South Park quotes

Aw, damn it!

What?

My god damn brother is trying to follow me to school again!

Cartman [to Kyle's brother, Ike]: Yeah, go home, you little dildo.

Dude! Don't call my brother a dildo!

What's a dildo?

Kenny [muffled]: It's a thing you put inside your undergarment.

Yeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is, alright.

[Cartman, Stan, and Kenny laugh. Kyle picks up Ike and hits Cartman]

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[Cartman is sitting on his couch watching TV, when Mr. Kitty approaches him]

KMr. Kitty

Meow.

No, Kitty, this is my pot pie!

KMr. Kitty

Meow.

No, Kitty, s'bad Kitty!

KMr. Kitty

Meow.

NO, KITTY, S'MY POT PIE!

KMr. Kitty

[hisses at Cartman]

MOM! KITTY'S BEING A DILDO!

LLiane

Well, then I know a certain Kitty-Kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.

[beat]

What?

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Okay, that does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?! I'm sick of it! It's completely immature! [Cartman simultaneously farts fire and a satellite dish comes out of his bottom]

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Vi-visitors, this morning you took my brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away. But I've learned something today. That having a little brother... i-is a pretty special thing.

Yeah.

Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again.

That was beautiful, dude.

Did it work?

No, they're leaving.

[Absolutely livid] Hey, you scrawny-ass sh**heads, what the f**k is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of f***ing a**holes to be able to ignore a crying child!

Whoa, dude!

You know what you f**kers like?! You like to f**k! And s***! And F**k! And F**k! AND F**K!!

Hey, Wendy, what's a f**k? [She shrugs.]

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S1 E2Weight Gain 4000

TGTough Guy

Get some today, and say with me – Beefcake!

CCartman

Beefcake.

TGTough Guy

BEEFCAKE!!

CCartman

Beefcake!

TGTough Guy/Cartman

BEEEFFCAAAAAKE!!!

LDLegal disclaimer voice

May cause irreversible damage to the kidneys and liver.

CCartman

Mom, [he turns his head to the left] can you get me some Weight Gain 4000?

CMrs. Cartman

Okay, Eric, I'll get you some tomorrow.

CCartman

but mum I need it for tomorrow mum.

CMrs. Cartman

But tomorrow's grocery shopping, Eric.

CCartman

MOM...![he starts yelling gibberish, while throwing his Cheesy Poofs]

CMrs. Cartman

Okay, okay! Well, I guess I'll be going to the store now then.

[Eric stops screaming, and smiles happily]

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Whoa, Cartman! Talk about wide load!

Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely.

You're not "filling out nicely"! You're fatter than ever!

I'm not fat! I'm getting in shape!

Cartman, you're such a fat ass that when you walk down the street, people go, "GODdamn it, that's a big fat ass!"

No, they don't, you jealous weakling!

RMRandom man

Goddamn, that's a big fat ass!

Hey!

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S1 E3Volcano

My uncle Jimbo says that after this he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.

Wow. That'd be cool.

My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.

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My weenies won't cook.

Mmmm-this wood won't burn-mm.

Well, Ned, looks like we'll have to use the old Indian fire trick.

Mmmm-yepper. [pours gasoline onto the burning wood, then catches fire] AAAAAHH!

Huhahaha! Hey, stop, drop, and roll, Ned! Ah ha haha!

[Ned accidentally tips the gas can over, creating a fire trail that leads to Jimbo's van, blowing it up]

SKStan and Kyle

Whoa!

God dammit, Ned! I just got that van. How the hell are we s'posed to get home?

Mmm-oh, it hurts! It hurts! Owwww!

Cartman [roasting a hot dog over Ned's flaming body]: Hey, guys. This works pretty good right nyah.

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BBarbrady

Okay people, listen up. As we near the top of the mountain, the chances of our encountering some lava becomes great. Therefore, I have special ordered this training film to assist us in volcano safety. Mr. Garrison, if you would, please?

[Garrison turns on the movie projector to watch a 1952 training video called Lava and You.]

IInstructor

Harbingers of sorrow, natural disasters can be the cause of troubling and undesirable stress—and a volcano is no exception. But what should you do if a volcano erupts near you or your family? Here, we see the Stevens family enjoying on their picnic. But suddenly, daughter hears a noise: it's a volcano. Junior seems worried—but have no fear, Junior. Jane learned in school what to do when you hear a volcano erupt. [Jane uses a picnic blanket, covering her family] That's right, Jane—duck and cover. [lava passes through blanket, leaving family unharmed] So what will you do when you hear a volcano erupting? That's right, duck and cover. Looks like you got the idea. Duck and cover. Thank you and goodbye. [end of film]

BBarbrady

Okay, any questions?

CChef

(indignant) That has got to be the most ridiculous load of pig crap I have ever seen!

BBarbrady

That's enough out of you!

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S1 E4Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride

GMr. Garrison

Gay people? Gay people are evil, right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?

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Come on, Ned, and keep quiet.

Okay. [They climb over the fence and encounter...]

Hello, Enrique.

What are we doing here?

Well, Ned, we always kidnapped Middle Park's mascot. But this year we're going to booby-trap it instead. [puts bomb on Enrique's back] And when John Stamos's older brother hits that high F in "Loving You", boom! [Enrique gets wide-eyed] No more Middle Park players.

[Enrique starts to tremble. Jimbo and Ned laugh victoriously]

Goddamn, I love football.

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S1 E5An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig

Hey Stan, where'd you get that black eye?

Nothing, I mu-I mean, nowhere.

Your sister beat you up again, huh?

No!

[Laughs] Yep, your sister kicked your ass!

She's just pissed off 'cause she got headgear at the dentist. She's taking it out on me.

Yeah, but that sucks, to get your butt kicked by a girl, Stan.

I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried anything, I'd be like, "HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!"

My parents don't even believe that she beats me up. They think she's all innocent and sweet, but I know that she's an evil bitch!

Be a man, Stan. Just say, "Hey, woman, y-you shut your mouth and make babies."

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[Kyle's elephant and Cartman's pig get ready to make love]

CChef

Now children, gather around, and watch the wonders of life. The beauty of Mother Nature.

[The pig is heard squealing loudly]

Ah, sick!

Fluffy!

CChef

Hmm, now I know how all those white women must have felt.

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If a woman did that to me, I'd be all like, "Hey, why don't you stop...dressing me up like a mailman and making me dance for you, while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know on my dad's bed!"

Cartman, what the heck are you talking about?

I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.

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