[Cartman punches Kyle in the shoulder]
Ow! What the hell was that for?!
That's for your stupid mother! She made me miss Terrance & Phillip last night!
CClyde
Yeah, what's the big idea having your mom call our moms last night?
Well, I didn't have her do it. She did it on her own.
Why does this happen every month? It seems like, right around the same time every month, Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something, and I always end up getting screwed by it!
Children! Children! A certain student's mother called me last night.
[Tauntingly.] Oh, gee, I wonder whose mother that could have been?
She informed me that some of you might be watching a naughty show called Terrance & Phillip.
HMr. Hat
Watching that show is bad, Mr. Garrison.
That's right, Mr. Hat. Shows like Terrance & Phillip are what we call 'toilet humor'. They don't expand your minds.
[silence]
You see, children, these kind of shows are senseless, vile trash.
[Kenny walks in]
Kenny, why are you late to class?
[Kenny hands Mr. Garrison a note. The note reads 'Please excuse me from being late, I have a case of explosive diarrhea, signed-K']
Oh, okay Kenny, be seated. [addressing the class] Now, as I was saying, the reason that parents of South Park are so upset is because...
[Kenny is waving his hand frantically]
I thought you just came from the bathroom.
(I did, I gotta go again...)
[Kenny goes in the restroom]
Now, where was I. Oh, yeah. As I was saying, you all seem to enjoy this show, even though it isn't based in reality. There's much more to life than 2 young men farting on each other. And throughout history there have always been shows that have come and gone that have been very bad, and usually they get taken right off the air. You see, you should be spending your time enlightening your minds with more intelligent entertainment.
[throughout the lecture, sounds of some serious diarrhea come from the bathroom. The sounds get progressively worse as Kenny reenters the classroom at the end of the lecture]
Whoa, smells like you slaughtered a cow in there, Kenny!
Dude, that new kid is such a douche.
Yeah, somebody needs to put him in his place.
He's a pecker-face, that's what he is.
CClyde
Yeah, go kick his ass.
[unsure] W-—maybe he won't fight.
Will he bleed? That's all we care about.
Come on, dude, somebody needs to wipe that buckskin smirk off his face.
Alright, I'm going to go kick his leg. [leaves to do so]
Yeah, go Stan! Go Stan! ...alright, I've got five bucks on the other kid, who wants in?
Hey, fellas, where's Cartman?
Cartman isn't our friend anymore.
Because he's a fat, racist, self-centered, intolerant, manipulating sociopath.
Hey I hate Cartman too; can I ignore him with you?
BOBradley and other boys off screen
Yeah / me too / yeah /screw him!
CClyde
I never realized ignoring him was an option.
Butters commits suicide because he's been Chawhee'd.
Ah, gentlemen, thank you for coming. We don't have a lot of time, so I'll cut to the chase. The girls at our school have been hiding something from us; hiding something huge.
What if I were to tell you that the girls have a device which allows them to see into the future?
The girls do not have a device that shows them the future, Cartman. That's retarded.
CClyde
[with a faux British accent] You, sir, mocked Cartman before. Yet you too sit here demanding answers. Now damn you, let him speak!
[pause]
[Somewhat shocked] Thank you, Clyde.
Why don't you tell the children a little about yourself, Marjorine?
MMarjorine
I'm just a typical little girl. I like dancing, and ponies, and getting my snootch pounded on Friday nights.
Now, Marjorine, that's not very ladylike. Us Colorado girls love to get pounded in the snizz just like any woman, but we keep it to ourselves.
If you had a chance right now to go back in time and stop Hitler, would you do it? I mean, I personally wouldn't stop him because I think he was awesome, but YOU would, right?
CClyde
I'm just going to stop playing.
When Hitler rose to power, there were a lot of people who just stopped playing. You know who those people were? The French. Are you French, Clyde?
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, Clyde?
CClyde
Okay, alright, I'll do it!
[Mr. Mackey interrogates Clyde in his office]
Why, Clyde? Why did you do it?
CClyde
I dunno. [looks away]
You got a whole school here, Clyde, m'kay? You got over three hundred people that need to use the boys' room, and you decide you're gonna be a comedian, m'kay, and pinch one off in the urinal, and leave it laying there for everyone to have to look at! [Clyde struggles to contain his laughter] M'kay, m'kay, you think it's funny, but nobody else does! They gotta walk in that bathroom and see your rancid dook propped up against the back of the urinal like a brown ragdoll! [Clyde bursts out laughing]
Mr. Mackey, Clyde's parents are here.
M'kay, that's good! [to Clyde] Let's see what your mom and dad have to say about your little poop-scapade! [Roger and Betsy appear and enter his office] Come on in, please. I'm just trying to get your son to explain why he would drop a dookie in the urinal!
[Nelly walks down the hall and hears Craig blowing a horn and gets kicked in the shin by Butters]
NNelly
Ow! What you did that for?! [Butters kicks her again] Hey, what's your problem, asshole?!
Bail! Bail! [back at his house in the basement] Okay, our mission failed, but we've learned a lot, primarily that girls do not have balls.
[in a sling and with a black eye, after being pulverized by Nelly] They sure don't.
Never mind, because we are going to Plan B, one that I call, "Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time." When Nelly leaves the cafeteria for recess, Kenny will jump in front of her and spit on the ground.
You think maybe girls keep their balls on the inside of their tummies?
Butters, we're done talking about girls balls right now. Pay attention. [The next day… he, along with Craig, Butters, and Kenny, holding the list, run by] We got it! We got it!
We got the list from the girls!
[Stan and the other boys follow them]
NNelly
[angrily catching up to them] Give that back, you dirty buttholes!
[The boys enter the restroom where Kyle is washing his hands]
Tape it to the wall, Kenny! Jason, watch the door!
[Kenny tapes the list to the wall and all the boys look over it]
It's listed in order from cutest to ugliest. Clyde's number one.
CClyde
Me? I'm the cutest?
And then Token. And then me.
Come on, let me see, let me see! [looks through the list and finds himself as number 11] Oh, boy! I'm number 11! Whoopie! Number 11!
[finds himself as number 12 where Cartman is number 15, under Timmy and Francis] Ah! Look at that! I'm hotter than you, fatso!
[Kenny joyfully finds himself as number 7]
Oh, so big deal, guys. You feel better now? Clyde's the best-looking kid in the class. And then Token and Stan. And last is Francis, Cartman, and… [finds himself on the bottom of the list as number 16, revealing he's been voted the ugliest; shocked] Me?
You're last, dude! [laughs]
Cartman, lay off. You're next-to-last.
So? I'm hotter than Kyle! [walks off, gloating] I'm better looking than Kyle! Yes! I'm hotter than Kyle! I'm hotter than Kyle!
CClyde
[noticing Kyle's depressed state of mind as he walks past] Hey, Kyle! Look man, it doesn't matter what people think, okay? Y'know Abraham Lincoln was super-ugly too, but look what he accomplished! [pats Kyle on the back] Chin up, cowboy! [approaches a girl] Hey, what's going on? [girl starts speaking in the background]
[to Kyle] Hey! Nice...nice ears Ha ha! Pizza face! [runs off laughing]
CClyde
[ending his conversation abruptly and speaking angrily] Butters! That's not cool, man! He can't help how he looks!
Little boy, are you sure you haven't taken it up the hoohoo just once or twice?
No! No, God damn it no! I'm telling you, you're wrong! There, there's no way I can have HIV! Unless maybe... [Kyle's eyes open wide at the realization that Cartman had deliberately infected him with the HIV virus] Oh my God. [his fear immediately turns into utter anger] THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!
[Kyle hops off the bed and rushes out the door, ready to kill Cartman]
[cut to Cartman playing with the other kids on the school playground]
Pass me the ball! Pass me the ball, Craig, you stupid asshole! [Kyle furiously shoves him to the ground] Kyle, what the F?!
[enraged] I'M GONNA KILL YOU, CARTMAN!!!
Oh, you have HIV, huh Kyle? Guess it isn't so funny now, is it?
Then WHY did Butters say he helped you sneak into my room last Friday night?!
Aw, nice going Butters, ya big tattle-tale!
TATTLE-TALE?! DO YOU KNOW HOW SERIOUS THIS IS?!
Well, Kyle, maybe I was just trying to prove a p--
[snaps] AAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!
[Kyle snaps, lets out a primal scream, and starts beating the everloving shit out of Cartman, while the other students cheer him on]
[Approaches the fight] Hey! Hey, that's enough! Break it up, m'kay?! [tries to separate Kyle & Cartman] Break it up! Hm'kay?! [struggles, but ends up hoisting them away together at each other's throats] M'kay!
Bitch, you wanna make some motherfucking money?
Bitch, you should be doing kisses around the playground, you can make $50 a day! Buy all the purses and shoes that you've ever wanted. I'll treat you right, bitch.
[Butters doing schoolwork then spots Wendy]
[Wendy looks at Butters]
Bitch, don't you wanna start making some real fucking money?
[annoyed] Leave me alone!
Why you were made for the playground, bitch. You should be out there workin'. Don't you want a new lunch box? Nice new coat? I can get all that for you, bitch.
You can't call my girlfriend a bitch!
Oh. Well all I'm sayin' the bitch should be out there workin' is all. [turns to Wendy] Whatcha doing bitch? Just giving kisses to Stan for free? Why you should be making some motherfucking money!
Butters, seriously. If you don't stop this, I'll kick your ass!
[turns to Clyde] Clyde, heres a $100. If Stan comes near me, punch him.
CClyde
Wowwee. [grabs the money from Butters]
[turns to Stan] Dude, we've created a monster.
Come on Wendy, you should be putting that mouth to work.
Butters, Butters do you have a problem?
All these bitches are kissin' fellers, and they haven't figured out that they can be making some serious fucking money!
Kyle, every boy pay for kisses, do you know what i am saying? if you've got a girl and she's kissing you, sooner or later, you are paying for it. you gotta take her out to lunch, take to a movie, and then spend time listening to all her stupid problems. look, look at there, he's got to sit there and listen to her stupid motherfucking problems because she kisses him. If you ask me, that's a lot more than the $5 dollars my company charges.
That's right, it's a toilet, Clyde! And where is the toilet seat? It's up! (And why?) Because you left it up, again! We've been through this countless times, Clyde!
CClyde
Okay, Mom, just not in front of my friends, okay?
No, not okay, because you are getting the message! What if I'd fallen in it?! START LISTENING TO ME! Put it down! PUT IT DOWN! [Clyde quickly puts the toilet seat down; walks out of the bathroom] Thank you. [walks away]
South Park · 1,569 quotes
