Tom Cruise quotes from South Park

[to Stan] I'll sue you in England!

I feel kinda nauseous.

Yes, that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage, all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart. [makes disgusting noises of bone and blood]

Arrgh!

By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact?

[throws up] Stop! That movie was terrible!

I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest and I'll check on you a little later.

Sat through that entire movie to see the alien, and it was her goddamn father!

Hey Tom, you got any pudding?

You know I'm all out of pudding, silly.

Well, what should we do now?

Well, how about we explore our sexuality? [they start to make out]

Cartman

What the hell makes you think "Cartman rides a bull?"

Kyle

[throttling Cartman by his neck, through gritted-in-fury teeth] Because you spent all of our money on those stupid rides, fatass! Now, either you're getting on a bull or I'm gonna BREAK YOUR FUCKING HEAD OPEN!!!!

Cartman

O-kay, I'll get on a bull.

Kyle

All right! Now, come on! We have to practice!

Stan

[To Cartman.] He really wants those dolls.

Cartman

I guess, damn!

That ride wasn't very good.

Now, Mary, you promised me we'd try to have a good time.

You're right. I'm sorry, honey, I'll try and have a good time.

Stan

Dad, Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!

What?!

Stan

Tom Cruise locked himself in my closet and he won't come out.

[knocks on closet door] Mr. Cruise? Mr. Cruise, come out of the closet.

No!

Come on, Mr. Cruise, this is ridiculous.

I'm never coming out!

[to Stan] What did you say to him?

Stan

I just told him I thought the Napoleon Dynamite guy is a better actor than he is.

Oh boy.

Tom? Don't you think this has gone on long enough? It's time for you to come out of the closet.

But I'm...I'm not in the closet.

Yes, you are, Tom, and you need to just end this and come out.

Butters

Hey, Stan! Isn't that Tom Cruise?

Stan

Huh? Oh, wow, it is. Hey, guys, check it out! Tom Cruise is a fudge packer!

What did you call me?

Eric Cartman

Hey, that is Tom Cruise! [snaps a picture of him]

Butters

How come you're packing fudge, Mr. Cruise?

I'm glad you asked, I'm not a fudge packer!

Stan

Dude, you don't have to be ashamed or anything.

But, I'm not a fudge packer! [packs a block of fudge into a box]

Stan

Then why are you packing fudge?

I'm not! I'm glad you asked, I'm a very busy actor! I'm just here trying to get away for a week and do some fly fishing! [pushes more fudge into boxes]

Stan

Dude, you are in a fudge factory packing fudge.

Oh, that does it! I will [slams his fist on the belt] SUE you!

Stan

For what?!

You can't just call somebody a fudge packer and get away with it!

[walks up with the students; notices Tom] Hey, is that fudge packer Tom Cruise?

[takes off and throws his hat on the ground] THAT'S IT! I'm suing this entire intolerant town! [starts leaving the factory]

Stan

But dude--

No buts! You wanna accuse somebody of being a fudge packer, you're gonna pay the consequences!

Guys, I wanna really thank you all for coming. Shockingly, I've just been slandered once again in the town of South Park, something I know you all can relate to.

That town just seems to be a hotbed of hatred and lies!

I'm fed up with it! That town suggested I was made of sh*t!

Yeah well I was just over there doing some fly-fishing, and this little boy walks up and calls me a fudge packer!

That is wrong! Hohhot, that is crazy!

I know, right? And then other kids in the town and their teacher started joining in.

[eating chocolate cake] South Park, Colorado, is the most insensitive racist and bigoted place in this country!

That town thinks they can say whatever they want about people and get away with it!

If anybody has a gripe against that sh*thole, it's me! [spits something into a tissue, then rubs that tissue into John Travolta's crotch]

Yeah, well I say enough. All of us together can put a stop to the slander coming from that town once and for all! No longer will they make snide remarks about whoever they want.

Yeah!!

Hey, Tom, I ate too much Subway. Where is your bathroom?

Oh just the door down the hall there, Jared. [Jared goes to the first door and opens it] No, no, that's a that's a closet. Go down more. [Jared moves on to the next door and opens that one] No, that's a closet too. [Jared moves on to the next door across the hall and opens that one] No, Jared, that one's a closet. [Jared moves on to the next door and opens that one] No. That's a cl- [Jared moves on to the next door and opens that one] closet. [Jared moves on to the next door and opens that one] No that's a that's a closet.

You just had to push it, didn't you Stan? You just had to make fun of Tom Cruise again.

Did you call him a fudge packer?

Stan

Aww, he was packing fudge!

Little boy, you don't understand how serious this is. Tom Cruise has put together a class-action lawsuit along with 200 other celebrities!

They're going to sue the bajeezus out of this entire town, m'kay?

Stan

It wasn't just me. Other kids called him a fudge packer. Even Mr. Garrison.

But you started it. Mr. Broflovski, tell him what you told us.

Stan, a class-action lawsuit means the end of this town. We can't possibly go up against their lawyers.

Dammit, Marsh, why couldn't you've just kept your stupid ugly kid in line?

Hey, don't start blaming me for his looks!

Mr. Cruise, my son is so, so sorry. And he would do anything to take back his hurtful comment.

That's nice. I'm still suing you all! Nobody calls me a fudge packer!

Yes, it was a terrible mistake. But, maybe you could see how -- since you do, take fudge and, pack it into a box...

What?

I'm just saying, you are employed currently, as a person who, packages...

I'm an actor. I do not pack fudge!

Right, my son just got confused. Because you have a little uniform, and a hat that says "Fred's Fudge & Candies." And you are... look it doesn't matter just... please withdraw the class-action lawsuit. Nobody in our town will ever call you a fudge packer again.

[takes a short break and sighs] There is... one thing that your town could do to... maybe make me forget about this lawsuit.

Anything! Anything you want, Mr. Cruise.

It's just that there's somebody I've always wanted to meet. Face to face. If you could get him to show up in your town...

Sure, who is it? We can get anybody for you.

Muhammad. The prophet of the Muslim faith.

Stan

Ooooo...

That's tricky.

Well then you can just get sued!

Mr. Cruise, if there's anybody else we could try to bring to town, we could-

NO! Just him! You get Muhammad to appear in South Park, or your little town is done!

Tom, what is up with this Muhammad thing? It doesn't make sense.

Yeah, you said we were just suing South Park.

No, I said we're going to use South Park to make sure we never got ripped on again! Look, people, all of us... get ridiculed, but who is the one person on this earth that is completely free from slander?

You want Muhammad because he can't be ridiculed?

Muhammad has a power that makes him impervious to being made fun of. What if we…could harness that power. [walks up to Jimmy Buffett] Jimmy Buffett, how would you like it if nobody could call your music drunken fratboy monkey garbage?

I'd-I'd love it.

By taking what Muhammad has, we would all be safe from ridicule. Like Tim Burton here. Imagine it, Tim -- nobody could rip on you for all the rehashed movies you've made lately. There'd never be a TV show that pointed out you haven't had an original thought since "Beetlejuice." And you put Johnny Depp and the same crappy music in every film. And if you're that in love with Johnny Depp you should just have sex with him already. A TV show could never say that!

Gee, that'd be swell.

Well it can be a reality. Once we have Muhammad, we can take his power from him!

Cartman

Excuse me, [everyone turns to look at him] This is the home of Tom Cruise, right?

Hey, it's one of the kids from South Park that slandered me!

Cartman

I didn't come for myself. I'm just an escort for another celebrity who wants to get in on your lawsuit.

Who?

[pulls off her little cap] Allo! [the other celebrities smile at her]

Jennifer Lopez!

Yes, I am Jennifer Lopez! And I like tacos, and burritos.

[takes his guests to a lab, which has a machine, a duplicator of sorts] Here it is, friends. Once we have Muhammad, this machine will give us his power to not be made fun of.

Tom, Tom, you're talking crazy, mate. Only Muhammad has that ability. How could we ever get it from him?

We take his goo. [eating a burger] It's as simple as that, people.

Rob Reiner has been telling me about the goo which is inside every person on Earth.

Any goo can be harvested from a person's body, and easily placed into another.

Cartman

Wait, you mean, we aren't gonna sue and get a bunch of money?

No, Jen. We've all got enough money.

Yes, who needs more money? We need to get Muhammad's goo! Yes, yes! Arriba arriba!

You're gonna give Muhammad to gingers instead of us, just because they are threatening you with violence?!

Well yeah.

Oh, we could play that game too! You wanna see violence, you got it! [throws the phone down, destroying it] Goddamned stupid assholes! They wanna play rough?! Okay! Spielberg, go and get some automatic rifles! [walks up to a couch on which Oprah is seated and starts jumping up and down on it quite aggressively] We'll go in there and we're gonna take Muhammad by force! And we're gonna show 'em that-

Tom, Tom! We can't be seen getting violent!

Yeah, that would kill all our careers.

[still jumping on the couch] But the only way we're gonna get Muhammad now is by getting just as violent with South Park as the gingers!

Fine, then let's have her do it!

[stops jumping] Her who?

You know. [softly] Her.

[softly] Oh, right. Her.

[frightened] My God, she's even more terrifying than I remember.

Tom, Barbra Streisand hasn't been active for a long time. Are we sure we want to do this?

Mrs. Streisand was blown apart in the town of South Park. She's probably more angry at that town than any of us.

Power her up! Release the kiken!

Hey Barbra. It's me, Rob Reiner. [she breathes hot air on the crowd, and they try to block the air] Listen, Babs, we're takin' on the town of South Park and we really need your help.

We figured you're pissed off at South Park too, right Ms. Streisand? [she reacts fiercely, running her saw into the holding structure behind her] Oh, she's pissed alright.

Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom, which is Tom Cruise's house.

(on the phone) How do you like that?! Celebrities can get violent too!

[on the community center roof with other townsfolk] Mr. Cruise, please call Barbra Streisand off! [everyone cringes as Mecha-Streisand walks around] She's destroying everything!

We will call her off when you give us Muhammad!

We don't have Muhammad. We we aren't sure where he is.

That's your problem! Get him back or Barbs will kill you all!

Oh boy!

I'll get you, Tom Cruise! [hops on him and wrestles him]

Stan

Hey look! Tom Cruise has Seaman on his back.

What did you say?!

Kyle

Oh yeah. Tom Cruise does have Seaman on his back.

I guess maybe Tom Cruise likes Seaman.

[straightens up] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [Sea-Man gets off his back] You're not supposed to be able to make fun of me anymore! What the hell's going on?!

[on the rafters with a jet pack on his back] I'll be back, Super Best Friends! [tales off through an open door on the roof.]

Who's the creepy ginger kid?

Reiner, you said the goo machine would work! But I got made fun of!

Kyle

That's because there is no goo, Mr. Cruise. You see, I learned something today. Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things that we weren't allowed to show, but it wasn't because of some magic goo. It was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence. That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorizing people works.

That's right. Don't you see, gingers, if you don't want to be made fun of anymore, all you need are guns and bombs to get people to stop.

That's right, friends. All you need to do is instill fear and be willing to hurt people and you can get whatever you want. The only true power is violence.