[Kyle's bedroom. Butters is at the computer reading the iTunes us agreement on the monitor. Gerald, Kenny and Stan are there too.]
"You agree that Apple may charge your credit card or Paypal account for any products purchased in the iTunes store."
Can somebody please explain to me what is going on? [Butters Scrolls down]
We're trying to find out exactly what Kyle agreed to. [Butters Scrolls down again]
There can't be anything in that agreement that allows a company to do what they're talking about to Kyle.
Oh Nope. Here it is right here: "by clicking Agree, you are also acknowledging that Apple may sew your mouth to the butthole of another iTunes user." [Gerald becomes worried]
"Apple and its subsidiaries may also, if necessary, sew yet another person's mouth onto your butthole, making you a being that shares one gastral tract." Hmmm, I'm gonna click on... "Decline".
[After Jimmy claims Germans have no sense of humor]
Dude, what the hell?! Did you see the news?!
We told you doing a comedy awards show was a bad idea! Now all of Germany is pissed off at us!
Don't worry, fellows, everything's going to be OK!
OK?! Jimmy, do you know what happened to the last people Germans were pissed off at?! Tell him, Kyle!
"Ah, here she comes! Yes, there she is! The about-to-be princess of Canada. Isn't she ravishing? So pure of heart, so strong in body, so hot in the face....She is indeed the living symbol of our greatly country. My God, she's beautiful."
(loud, booming voice) Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum! I smell Kraft Dinner.
CGCanadian General
You're a dick, Scott! You have always been a dick! And then you got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now you're a giant dick!
No! You all kept calling me a dick and that turned me into a dick! And THEN I got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now I'm a giant dick!
UBUgly Bob
Don't worry. If there's one thing Eskimos are good at, it's finding things.
Eskimos are good for nothing! I paid one to give me a blowjob once. All she did was rub her nose against my penis for forty five seconds and ask me to pay her! God darn polar gooks.
STOP BEING A DICK, SCOTT!
Hey, stop being mean to me!
[back in the studio, angrily] Mm mkay, in 15 minutes, you're all not gonna care about this anymore, so I'll just say what I need to say: That was the worst rehearsal we have ever had! We are two days away from opening, and you're all FUCKING AROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!
KIKid in Dental Floss costume
That's because tooth decay sucks. [the other kids agree with the dental floss kid.]
[ticked off] Oh, don't put this all on Tooth Decay! [to dental floss] Let me tell you something, Dental Floss. (angry yelling) You're not as good as you fucking think you are!!! You're already acting like you're a star, and we haven't even opened yet!!! (screaming furiously) OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES, DENTAL FLOSS!!!! YOU'RE ABOUT TO BLOW YOUR SHOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...and so then... And so then, it turns out that the Terminator secretly had a kid ten years ago, meaning Terminator could be his own father, and then Skeletor gets angry and wants to fight him.
No, dude, that's not the trailer for Terminator 5, that really happened.
No, dude, that's not Skeletor, that's Terminator's wife.
[enters the cafeteria in rage] GODDAMMIT!!! WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?!! THIS IS THE LAST FUCKING STRAW! I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL EVERYBODY!!!
[violently shakes the table] I AM SO SICK OF THIS GODDAMN FUCKING SCHOOL!!! [Butters gasps as the guys's drinks fall] THIS STUPID SCHOOL AND IT'S STUPID PRINCIPAL HAS GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME!!!!
You get in trouble again, Cartman?
NO, I DIDN'T DO A GODDAMN THING!!! Nothing! I told you, this school is a den of snakes! You're not gonna believe what they did this time, you guys.
Dude, we're just trying to eat.
Oh, you think I'm overreacting again, huh?! No! Not this time! [shakes the table again] The school has gone too far this time and it affects each and every one of you! You remember the school physical we all took last week?
Well, the school put the sizes of all our PENISES up on a big chart in the school hallway!
YEAH, THEY FUCKING DID, KYLE!!!
Dude, why would the school put up the sizes of our DICKS?
Because they don't fucking care! I've told you this! They don't give a shit about the students, and they live to make us miserable!
That doesn't make any sense.
[The school hallway, moments later. The boys gather in from of the chart that Cartman had mentioned.]
There, ya see!? Can ya fahking believe it!?!?
Is that really all our wiener sizes!?
Yeah, dude look at it! It says right there: "Eric Cartman, 1.2 in"! [turns around and faces the others] Why would they tell everybawdy that!?!? They wanna measure my wiener, FINE! BUT DON'T PUT ME ON BLAST!!!!
Craig Tucker, 2.4 inches. Yeah; that's about right.
Butters Stotch, 2.2 inches. Is that good?
How big do they say mine is? [several other boys walk up to the chart in curiosity as Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey watch from afar]
I told you the students would be interested in how much they grew since their last physical.
You right. They really seem into it, m'kay. [takes a sip of coffee and walks away.]
[looks at the chart in perplexation] Wait, it says that my penis is only 2.1 inches; that doesn't seem right.
[enraged] No schick, Sherlock! My penis isn't 1.2 inches eitha! IT ISN'T! This is anotha conspiracah by DA SCHOOL FACUALTAHH!!!
[curious and confused] A conspiracy?
CCassie
They're tryin' to stir up some big thing again, get all da girls all heated up- freakin' out- over which boy has da biggest schlong! THIS HAS TO BE DEALT WITH!!!!
Well, everyone's already seen it; there's nothing we can do about it now.
Oh, there's something we can do about it, alright! It they're gawna put us on blast, they're at least gawna get da numbahs right! We are going to REMEASHAA!!!!
Let me guess - I'm in trouble again!
Why did you measure all the boy students's penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?
[points at her] Why did YOU measure our penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?!
I don't care if Obama is president! You don't go around putting little boys on blast, telling the whole world the lengths of their DICKS!
Wait. Are you talking about the numbers we published Tuesday from the physicals?
You're damn right! 1.2 inches. I'll have you know that my penis is a respectable 1.4 inches! Maybe it's still the smallest in school, but it's .2 inches bigger than you said!
The numbers we put up were HEIGHT differentials!
We thought it would be fun to put up how much each student has grown in height since their physical last year. You grew 1.2 inches.
Those weren't our dick sizes?
WHY would we publish the lengths of our students's PRIVATE PARTS?
I don't know! Why would you?!
[gets off the chair] Aw, crap! You mean everyone knows my wiener is smaller than everyone else's... because of me?
THIS is exactly the kind of thing we are always talking about, Eric. You get angry about something, you don't think, and you cause bad things to happen! This time, you've done it to yourself!
Oh, God. Why couldn't I have just taken a minute to think about it?
Because you have an anger problem, Eric!
[points at her] FUCK YOU! NO, I DON'T!
WWorker
Sorry, doctor, your wife's on the phone; says it's an emergency.
TTherapist
Excuse me. [goes to his desk and answers phone] Carol, what..? Whoa, calm down, honey. What do you mean? Web chat with wha..? What 14-year-old girl? Carol, I would ne-- [Cartman stops texting and puts down his iPhone 4] No, I don't have a criminal record, who-- Who is Mitch Connor? There can't be an official police report, honey, there's not-- No-no, Carol, put down the gun, swe-sweetie, come on-- Put down the-- [a gunshot is audibly heard on the other end] Carol? Carol! [turns his head and stares at Cartman in shock]
[calmly, but with a visible look of anger] I'm not fat. I'm big boned.
