Ike quotes from South Park

[singing] I have a Yankee Doodle sweetheart, she's my Yankee Doodle girl. 'Yankee Doodle came to London, just to ride the ponies! I am DA Yankee Doodle, I am DA Yankee Doodle, I am DA Yankee Doodle boy!

Make Billy Mays go away, Kyle!

[whispering] I...see...dead celebrities...

[upon seeing the motorcycle gang] FAGS!

Kyle

Mom? Dad? What's a sex-change operation?

[taken aback] What? Uh, n-nothing. I'll explain it to you when you're a little older.

Kyle

But our teacher, Mr. Garrison? He just had his penis made into a vagina. How come?

Penis!

Your teacher had a sex change? Oh my God!

Vagina!

Ike, let's get out of here. They'll never let us be together. I think we should go to Milan, like we talked about.

Yaaaaay, Mulan!

Sheila

I know this has to be very upsetting for you, Kyle.

Kyle

[enunciating] What am I, Mom?

Sheila

When I got pregnant with you, Kyle, your father and I were living with my parents in Newark. We knew we had to get out. Neither of us wanted our child to be from Jersey, so we moved. As far away as we could. But now I realize you can take the fetus out of Jersey, but you can't take Jersey out of the fetus.

Kyle

[getting scared] What are you saying?!

Sheila

I'm saying that for the first two months I carried you in my stomach, I lived in Newark. Technically, you are from Jersey.

Kyle

[looks at his new look] NO! I don't wanna look like this!

Sheila

It isn't so bad, Kyle. A lot of people think the Jersey look is nice.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [faints on his back]

Kyle

I can hide it! [hops off the bed] Nobody ever has to know! [puts his hat back on and walks out the bedroom door] I can't ever let anybody know!

Don't worry. If there's one thing Eskimos are good at, it's finding things.

Eskimos are good for nothing! I paid one to give me a blowjob once. All she did was rub her nose against my penis for forty five seconds and ask me to pay her! God darn polar gooks.

STOP BEING A DICK, SCOTT!

Hey, stop being mean to me!

Kyle

Hey Ike, how's it going?

Get out of my room, Kyle! I'm on my computer!

Kyle

I just wanted to see if maybe you want to do fingerpaints with me.

Do I look like I wanna do fuckin' fingerpaints?! Look at the fuckin' zits on my face!

Kyle

Ike, I just want us to be friends again.

Then stop harassing me, bro! You don't know what it's like to be a baby goin' through puberty! I don't know whether to watch Yo Gabba Gabba or go out and tame some strange!

Kyle

Yeah, let's watch Yo Gabba Gabba, like old times.

Kyle

Hey, Ike.

Get out of my room, Kyle! I'm playing trucks!

Kyle

Ike, I'm sorry, but I couldn't get us out of school Friday. I can't take you to Yo Gabba Gabba Live.

You promised!

Kyle

I couldn't get in to see the principal, Ike.

Well what am I supposed to do, go see it myself?! I'm a little baby! Who's gonna hold my fuckin' hand?! You don't give a shit about how I feel!

Kyle

Ike, I do! I just-

You just love pushing me around! Is that what you wanna do, Kyle?! Kick the baby?! Well alrighty bro! Come on, Kyle! Kick the baby! Come on bro! Kick the fuckin' baby! Let's see you try it, wuss!

Kyle

[enters the living room] Ike?

Kyle! It's Dora the Explorer!

Come on, let's climb the mountain.

Kyle

It sure is. Do you want me to watch it with you, Ike?

Yay!

We made it all the way to the top.

Oh man, I wouldn't mind hittin' that. I bet she's got that hot Pureto Rican strange.

Kyle

Yeah, I bet she does.

Kyle

"Officials have stated that all communication with Denmark has ended and that a military strike on the country is now imminent."

Yay!

Kyle

"The President stated that since the--"

Sheila

ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?! [Kyle and Ike scream and fall away from the computer] GET OFF THAT COMPUTER!!!

Kyle

Mom, we were just using it to look at the news.

Sheila

I DON'T CARE! I said, no computers! You kids are addicted to the Internet! You're sick, and you're addicted! It's changed your brother, and now it's turning you against me, Kyle!

Kyle

I'm not against you, Mom.

Sheila

You are! Your father goes away on business and all you do is defy me at every turn! The next time you defy me, it will be your last! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!

Yes, mom.

Sheila

And when your father gets home from Denmark, you two are both going in for counseling.

Denmark?

Kyle

What is Dad doing in Denmark?!

Sheila

The government sent him over there to do paralegal training. So it would have been nice if you could have shown a little support!

Kyle

Ike. It's time. I don't know if i'm strong enough to go through with this, but it's the only way now.

I know.

Kyle

Just remember... I always loved you, little brother.

I love you, too, big brother.

Kyle

Let's just get it over with.

Mommy?

Sheila

Yes?

Suck my balls. You're a fat bitch. [runs off]

Sheila

WHAAAAAAAAAT?! [gets out of her bed and chases after him downstairs to the kitchen] You get back here, you little monster! I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU! Don't you run away from me, Ike! Who do you think you are?! [to Kyle] Where is he?! Where is your brother?!

Kyle

He's in the pantry.

Sheila

Don't you try and hide from me now! [goes in the pantry] You are in big trouble, Ike! [Kyle shuts the door behind her and props a chair up under the door knob] Whaaat?! What, whaat?! Kyle! You open his door right now!! Open this door!!!

You are all dumb-ass... fuckwads. [as Sheila furiously twitches while entering his room after breaking out of the pantry] Lick my asshole, you Mexican... bitch.

Sheila

[incredibly enraged] IKE!!! [Ike screams] YOU DARE LOCK ME IN THE PANTRY SO YOU CAN PLAY ON YOUR COMPUTER?! [runs for his computer, picks up the monitor, and smashes it to the floor]

Mommy!

Sheila

YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE!

[screams as he runs out of his room and down the hallway into Gerald's study] Kyle!

Sheila

IKE!

Kyle

Shit! [gets off the computer]

Mommy got out!

Sheila

YOU! You helped make your brother this way!

Kyle

Mom, there's been a mistake. Ike isn't the school troll. We're trying to help the--

Sheila

[interrupting] SHUT UP! Not another word from either of you! You're both grounded from the computer… FOREVER!