Laura quotes from South Park

Have you ever seen pictures of naked women before 2005? It's not that weird.

It's okay, honey.

[standing in front of the doorway of the Tucker residence as Thomas answers] Hi, is Craig here, sir?

Why can't you quit him.

Thomas.

Five minutes. He's in the back.

Sheila

Laura, have my boys come to see Craig? They're hiding from me! [Laura looks at her and breaks down, crying; confused] What? What, what?!

[sobbing] The son of a bitch. He's such a bastard! When you marry someone and you think you know them...

Sheila

[not understanding] I don't know what you're talking about.

Troll Trace. [points to a laptop on the table] It's up and running. It can tell you anybody's Internet . I couldn't resist. I looked up my husband. The Web sites he's visited are just... disgusting!

Sheila

May I use this a moment?

Sure. Type in any name. It'll show you everything they've ever done online. Be careful. You might not like what you see.

Sheila

There's nothing here. Maybe Kyle was telling the truth. Oh, Laura! I think my boys were being honest with me!

About what?

Sheila

I accused Ike of-- I can't really say. But this thing says he's clean! I gotta find my boys, Laura. Thank you so much!

It's not our kids we have to worry about. My husband was on three married-but-dating websites! He looked at porn 4,000 times in one month! Aren't you curious what your husband does? Huh? Sure he doesn't have any girlfriends?

Sheila

No. I, I have to respect Gerald's privacy.

Sure, yeah, respect. Nice of you to give him that. Come on, you really think you can resist the urge to type in his name…just for a quick little look?

Thanks for coming, everybody. I'm sure you all heard there was yet another school shooting today. We have to figure out what we're going to do as parents, because this whole thing is out of control! We have to ask ourselves why this is happening and do something now!

Well, you know, Sharon, I think... it s a complex issue, you know. It's... it's not really as simple as just... [Randy perks up and begins signing to him furiously; It basically amounts to "Stop! Stop! It's Sharon! She's menstruating!"] What I'm saying is that, that with issues like this, sometimes you have to be kind of... [begins to see what Randy is doing: "she's touched in the head"] crazy?

What are you talking about? [Randy pulls out a red handkerchief and pretends it's a bloody tampon] Do you understand that our children are being murdered?

Red?

How much closer to home can this all hit? [Randy continues signing: "She's menstruating heavily and it's driving her crazy."] It was at our children's school!

[still not getting it] Crazy time. Crazy red time.

[stops in his tracks as Sharon notices] I agree with my wife.

Well, there certainly are things that need changing. Just yesterday, I was at the park with my son Craig and... have you seen the state of the playground equipment? Not only does it seem unsafe, but it's become quite an eyesore.

The whole park could use an upgrade, if you ask me. It's become a camp out for the homeless.

[now irked and enraged, screaming at the top of her lungs] ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING?! YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ONE SECOND TO COMPARE CHILD MURDER TO PARK UPGRADES?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYBODY?! YOU'VE ALL GONE CRAZY! [furiously goes upstairs]

Sheila

Girls, can I just say, you both look fantastic.

[chuckles] Oh, thanks, girlfriend. We've been working out and dieting, you know. Not cheating like that bitch Harriet.

Sheila

Well, it's great you guys are doing it the natural way and we don't have to deal with Harriet anymore.

[angrily barges in, having thrown up on herself] There you are, you goddamn bitch! I will take you to court, fat whore!

Sheila

Harriet, I do not like your tone.

You knew I was gonna steal your poo, and so you tainted it, didn't you?!

Sheila

What are you talking about?

I have been shitting and throwing up all day! It has to be from your feces!

Sheila

So you DID take my poo, huh, Harriet?

That's beside the point now!

Sheila

Oh, is it? 'Cause the girls told me you called me the C word the other day!

Oh, you're all backstabbing bitches now?!

Fuck you, Harriet!

Oho. Okay ladies, come on.

Just admit it! I can't stop puking and shitting because of what you did to me! [Laura begins to moan before she, too, starts throwing up and poops her skirt with projectile force; shocked] What the fuck?!

You thought you were such hot shit, Harriet. We took the leftover feces from your house and put it up our asses with a turkey baster! Oh- Oh God! [moves away from the table and projectile-vomits, then has to lean over on a chair as she is unable to hold in her diarrhea and squirts it out around other diners, also splashing her now-infected vomit on everyone in the diner, as all the girls in the group but Sheila are now vomiting and soiling themselves uncontrollably]

Oh, Sheila, I'm so sorry for stealing your feces.

And we're sorry for stealing it from you, Harriet.

Sheila

Girls, this was all my fault. I think I got a little carried away bragging about my fecal transplant.

I hope we can all be besties again.

You ladies are pretty lucky. If it hadn't been for these little turd burglars here, you'd be dead. And also responsible for the deaths of countless others.

Sheila

Kyle, how did you do it? I mean, how did you even know what was going on?

Kyle

I didn't know. My microbiome did. All along they were trying to tell me something. I really learned that I'm not just me. I'm also all the creatures inside of me. From now on, I'm gonna trust my gut a little more.

Well, I think we've all learned something. One for the ladies, is one too many for the ladies.

Sheila

Are you implying that Jews in America have some kind of obligation to do something about it?!

Whoa, whoa!

Sheila

You wanna vilify my faith, is that it?!

Sheila, it's okay.

Sheila

It's not Jews vs. Palestine, it's Israel vs. Palestine!

Here we go with the Palestinian stuff again.

Sheila

And maybe if you read books instead of everything Hollywood actors say, YOU'D KNOW THE DIFFERENCE! [walks away, leaving]