CKCartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny
[singing] School Days, School Days, Teachers Golden Rule Da--
[Ike hops onscreen]
My god damn brother is trying to follow me to school again!
Cartman [to Kyle's brother, Ike]: Yeah, go home, you little dildo.
Dude! Don't call my brother a dildo!
Kenny [muffled]: It's a thing you put inside your undergarment.
Yeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is, alright.
[Cartman, Stan, and Kenny laugh. Kyle picks up Ike and hits Cartman]
[Cartman punches Kyle in the shoulder]
Ow! What the hell was that for?!
That's for your stupid mother! She made me miss Terrance & Phillip last night!
Yeah, what's the big idea having your mom call our moms last night?
Well, I didn't have her do it. She did it on her own.
Why does this happen every month? It seems like, right around the same time every month, Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something, and I always end up getting screwed by it!
Children! Children! A certain student's mother called me last night.
[Tauntingly.] Oh, gee, I wonder whose mother that could have been?
She informed me that some of you might be watching a naughty show called Terrance & Phillip.
HMr. Hat
Watching that show is bad, Mr. Garrison.
That's right, Mr. Hat. Shows like Terrance & Phillip are what we call 'toilet humor'. They don't expand your minds.
[silence]
You see, children, these kind of shows are senseless, vile trash.
[Kenny walks in]
Kenny, why are you late to class?
[Kenny hands Mr. Garrison a note. The note reads 'Please excuse me from being late, I have a case of explosive diarrhea, signed-K']
Oh, okay Kenny, be seated. [addressing the class] Now, as I was saying, the reason that parents of South Park are so upset is because...
[Kenny is waving his hand frantically]
Kenny(I have to go pee.)
I thought you just came from the bathroom.
Kenny
(I did, I gotta go again...)
[Kenny goes in the restroom]
Now, where was I. Oh, yeah. As I was saying, you all seem to enjoy this show, even though it isn't based in reality. There's much more to life than 2 young men farting on each other. And throughout history there have always been shows that have come and gone that have been very bad, and usually they get taken right off the air. You see, you should be spending your time enlightening your minds with more intelligent entertainment.
[throughout the lecture, sounds of some serious diarrhea come from the bathroom. The sounds get progressively worse as Kenny reenters the classroom at the end of the lecture]
Whoa, smells like you slaughtered a cow in there, Kenny!
KKid
I drove all the way from Montana to see Mr. Hankey.
That's nice, kid. I knew Mr. Hankey before he was even famous.
How the hell did Mr. Hankey get so popular? Look at all this Mr. Hankey stuff. [a display is seen of Mr. Hankey caps, T-shirts, cups, figurines, and posters]
EElvin
Mr. Hankey kicks ass!
And another thing: it says that Mr. Hankey is also appearing at the Crossroads Mall!
So, how can Mr. Hankey be here, and in another mall at the same time?
Dude, Mr. Hankey has magic powers. He can do whatever he wants. [Charlie Manson and Kenny stare at each other. The line moves up]
MManson
[to Kenny] How would you like to come with me to a more secluded part of the mall?
Kenny
(Okay) [they walk off]
Oh, it looks like you finished your Fudgecicle, Elvin.
[Elvin looks at his hands and actually realize that he finished his fudgesicle, then begins to cry, demanding another one]
Ah damnit, be quiet, Elvin!
[Elvin is still crying]
[grabs a stick from out of nowhere and hits him on the back of the head. Elvin is now catatonic, but manages a blink]
No, Elvin, BAD Elvin! [seeing that Elvin is not responding, he looks around]
[Tweek is worried about his family becoming poor]
You can always go on welfare. Just look at Kenny's family, they're perfectly happy being poor and they're on welfare. Right, Kenny?
Kenny
Fuck you!
Heh-heh, you suck, Kenny.
Good job, Cartman, you killed Kyle!
Kenny
[muffled] You bastard!
Well, he shouldn't have called me fat!
Why the hell not? That's like calling the sky blue!
Well, screw him, he's dead! Let's go look for crocodiles!
[to Kenny] Lenny, can I tell you something?
Kenny
Uh-huh?
Kenny
Really?
Yes, I think we communicate really well.
Kenny
Wow, that's great!
Kenny
That's not great?
Yes, I live on the opposite side of the country, and when this choir tour ends, we'll never see each other again, and I'm only going to get my heart broken! I just can't get feelings for you! I just can't, Lenny!
Kenny
[frustrated] Awwwww!
[crying] Oh, stop! I want to go home! I hate the rainforest!
Kenny
[stops and hugs her] Come on, it'll be all right.
Oh, Lenny, hold me. Oh no, I can't get attached to you. Oh, but I do like you. But I'm only going to get my heart broken.
Kenny
[angrily frustrated] Aw, FUCK YOU!
Okay, Lenny, in order to keep up our long-distance relationship, we have to call each other every other day.
Kenny
Okay. [lightning bolt strikes him]
Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
They're, they're bastards.
Well, don't just stand there, help him.
Argh! [pounds on Kenny's stomach] Breathe! [gives him CPR] Breathe! [pounds on his stomach some more] Breathe, you son of a bitch! [Kenny coughs]
I just want a nurection so I can give it to my mom.
Kenny
(muffled speech)
Oh, where are you gonna go, Kenny? You going to see your little girlfriend again?
Kenny [muffled]: Yeah, dude. She saved me.
Dude, you spend way too much time with that girl if you know...--
[Kenny's body spontaneously ignites and quickly turns to ashes, surprising Cartman, Stan, and Kyle]
Man, I can't believe all our parents lied to us about the tooth fairy.
What about Dan Rather? Do you think he's real?
No, man, that's just a TV show.
[rushs in] You guys! You guys! I figured it out!
What? That your parents lied to you, too?
Yeah, but, it's okay! We can still get our Sega Dreamcast!
Look, the tooth fairy is all made up, right?
All made up. Not real. Nothing's real.
So all we have to do is go to a really rich kid's house, put our tooth under his pillow, wait for his parents to leave him a whole buttload of money, and then sneak back in and take it!
Kenny
(Woohoo!)
The kid will never even know.
Oh, dude, that is tits! I mean, that is big fat Oprah tits right there!
Oh my God, what if I'm not real?
We can take the bus to the city. There's super-rich people down there!
Yeah. [leaves with Stan and Kenny]
I mean, what if I'm just part of my parents' reality?
[returns] Come on, Kyle! [grabs him and pulls him along]
What if this is all just somebody's dream?
[Stan and Kenny sit on the curb in front of "South Park Pianos"]
[despondent; voice breaking] There's nothing more I can do, Kenny. I've tried everything to save Kyle. Holistic medicine is gonna kill my friend!
Kenny
[muffled] You never seem to care when I die.
My friend is gonna die! He's gonna die and there's nothing I can do about it! [starts to break down] Oh God! He's my best friend... [breaks into tears]
Kenny
[stands up; muffled] WELL, NOW THAT DOES IT! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BULLSHIT! SCREW YOU, STAN, I'M GOING HOME! [walks away; above him, a man is hauling a piano, but realizes the ropes are tearing]
MMover
Look out! [the piano snaps from the ropes and crushes Kenny] Oops.
Awgh! I'll never see Kyle again! [continues sobbing]
Hey Cartman, what does "finger-bang" mean, anyway?
I heard it on HBO, it means, like, you know, when you pretend to use your finger like a gun or something.
Kenny
[laughs] That's not what it means.
Kenny says that's not what it means.
Okay, Kenny, what does "finger-bang" mean then?
Kenny
It's when you take your finger, and you stick it in a vagina and you stick it again and again.
...What? What?! Who the heck would do that?! Jesus Christ! Grow up, Kenny, would you?!
South Park · 1,569 quotes
