Mrs. Garrison quotes from South Park

Well I think we have all learned an important lesson, haven't we, class: if you don't make the right choices in life, you can end up being a big loser like Stan's dad.

Drinking and driving is for idiots. Nobody wants to end up like Stan's dad, do they?

I want you all to take a good look at Stan's dad, and say: "Is that who I want to be in 30 years? Getting tickets and having to go to elementary-school classrooms and talk about how pathetic I am?" Thank you, Mr. Marsh, I think you have made your point.

I saw the way you were looking at me. Scissoring me with your eyes.

Hey, boys. It's me, your teacher, Mrs. Garrison.

Cartman

[whispers] You guys, Mr. Garrison has titties!

Just between us gals, nothing gets my vag wetter than a black man singing!

Mr. Garrison, for the love of God!

All right, students, let's take our seats. Apparently we have a little problem here at the school which we need to talk about.

Cartman

Ah, yes. [points to Kyle] You mean the Jew problem. Good, good. I'm glad we're going to finally do something about it.

Would you allow straight people in? Men?!

Well, we would allow whoever--

Choose your next words carefully, Persian!

Look, pal, we don't have to offer you anything, so...I don't know why you're being so difficult. This is crazy!

No. This isn't crazy. This...is..."Les Bos"!

How dare you!

Mayor, this is an outrage! We are being discriminated against as lesbians!

You're a lesbian now?

That's right. A proud lesbian. And our home is being taken away!

The bar has been sold to Persian club owners, I don't know what you want me to do about it.

Forbid the transaction! This is happening all over the country, Mayor.

Children, I have to tell you something that you might find shocking. [sighs] I'm gay.

Stan

Again?

I know you're actually a woman.

How...? How did you find that out?

I hired Mexicans to spy on you! They saw you working out at Curves.

You don't understand. Women can't be the boss in Persian culture. Nobody can know about this.

[writing on blackboard] Okay, so what do we get when we multiply a negative number--

Cartman

Dick tits!

[pauses] ...when we multiply a negative number by another negative--

Cartman

Shoot! Asshole! [Stan and Kyle glance back at him. Mrs. Garrison sighs; Cartman smiles] Excuse me.

And if we apply what we've just learned, we see that all negatives can--

Cartman

Splodge! Balls! Bloody vaginal belch!

Cartman

[in a sing-song voice] You guys, don't laugh. It makes me feel insecure about my illness.

All right, kids, let's just try to focus on learning, okay? Now all you need to remember here is that negative numbers--

Cartman

Tampons! Tampon dick shit!

Kyle

Will you knock it off already?!

Cartman

Kyle, don't you think I wish I could? I'd give anything to be normal like you. Kike.

Kyle

Don't push me, asshole!

Kyle! Watch your language! [Cartman begins laughing maniacally]

If I could yell "tampon dick shoot" in the classroom, I'd be so happy.

Someone somewhere is loving me tonight. Looking at the same moon and seeing it so bright.

Someone somewhere is feeling my despair

Feeling my despair

And this same moon is

making them think of that-.

There it is!