Linda Stotch quotes from South Park

[After Butters jumps off the building and dies] OHHHH MY GOD!!

Hello, what's your name... What-what do you want?

We wanna play...

Mark, I'm scared.

Don't be scared, they're just kids. Where are your parents?

We already played with our parents.

Now we want to play with you!

Okay, I'm scared now, too. That freaked me out.

We wanna play with you!

Butters! Are you having liposuction surgery? Tell me the truth!

Butters

Yes, sir.

This is unbelievable! How many times have we told you never to have self-performed liposuction surgery in our house?!

Butters

Four times, Mom.

Well, I guess that wasn't enough! You get up to your room right now, mister!

Butters

Yes, sir....

Oh-ho, don't you give us that look, young man! You're going to get it!

Butters, your father called and said you made him very upset.

Cartman

[impersonating Butters] Yeah, well, uh, Dad's being a little pussy, Mom.

[shocking] Butters, where did you get that kind of smart mouth?

Cartman

[impersonating Butters] Uh, not from you dumb-asses, that's for sure.

Oh! You just wait till I get home, mister!

Cartman

[impersonating Butters] Uh, I'll be waiting with bells on, you old horse-bangin' skank.

Butters

[inside] Hi, Mom and Dad!

DON'T YOU 'HI, MOM AND DAD' US, YOU LITTLE PUNK!!! (THUNK!!)

Butters

Ow. Dad? [Cartman sits in his chair eating popcorn and slurps his slushee]

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE TROUBLE YOU'RE IN, MISTER!! (BAHK!!)

Butters

Ah! What did I do? What did I do??

YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH NOW? ANSWER ME!!!

Butters

(BASH!!) Dahh..!!

Cartman

Aw, man, if I was older, I would totally start jacking off right now.

Just what did you think you were doing, Butters? Not only did you lie to us and say you were on a camping trip with Kyle's family, you made a fool of yourself AND us on national television!

Butters

[still wearing his balls, looking hurt] Oh I'm sorry, mom.

Well, sorry isn't gonna make it this time, mister! You know, your grandmother saw the show and had a mild stroke!

Butters

Aw jeez, ah I didn't mean to almost kill Grandma. I promise I'll never go on TV with balls on my chin again.

Ugh! You'd better believe you won't, buster!

Your father and I have to leave now to visit Grandma in the hospital, but you can just take those balls off your chin and march right up to your room!

Butters

[with voice trembling, turns around] Yes ma'am. [removes his balls]

Butters

Serves me right! Putting balls on my chin and lying about it. Why I, I should be grounded for a month! Why do I do these things? Why can't I behave myself? [his phone rings. Butters goes for the receiver]

Stan

[on the other end] Hey Butters, those other freak people from the show were just over here looking for you?

Butters

Oh Jesus! They were??

Stan

Yeah, they wanted to find you bad.

Butters

Well Oh, God! W-whatdya tell him?

Stan

I- told them where to find you.

Butters

What?? W-why the heck would you do that. Wuh they wanna kill me for not being a real freak!

Stan

Oh. Well, serves you right for screwing us over. [hangs up. Butters looks helpless, then walks to the window to see if the freaks are coming. They are indeed]

And so, that's the situation. All the boys are out there somewhere with a... pornographic videotape.

Sheila

Oh, God! This-this is horrible!

All right, calm down! Now, just how bad of a porno tape are we talking here? I mean, was it like... Crotch Capers 3?

I'm afraid it was... Backdoor Sluts 9.

BACKDOOR SLUTS 9!?!

It's that bad?

Backdoor Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!

I-It is the single most vile, twisted... dark piece of porn ever made.

Sheila

[lightly slaps Gerald] How the hell do you know?!

I...uh... I-I-I read about it in People.

Sheila

[to Randy and Sharon] Oh, this is just great! How could you two be so careless?!

We're sorry!

Well, Sheila, we can't shelter our boys forever from these things. Maybe it's okay for them to see an adult film.

Sheila

Not without their parents to put it in a proper context! They won't understand what they're seeing!

I-It can't hurt 'em that much, can it?

Butters

[grasping the window outside] Precious!! Let me see my precious! Please!!

[annoyed] Well, well, well, I had to see it to believe it.

Butters

Hi, Dad.

Don't you "Hi, Dad" me! Look at you! Standing behind prison bars, again!

Butters

Yeah.

What fibs have you been telling this policeman, Butters? You know damn well you didn't toilet paper that house.

Huh?

Butters was with us all night, Officer Barbrady.

Butters, what have we told you about confessing to crimes you didn't commit? We have had it, mister!

Butters

Well, he kept accusing me for hours, and then he shot me up with Sodium Pentothal.

And that's your excuse?

Looks like I made a mistake. I guess I'd better let you out now. [lets Butters out of the cell]

Just wait till we get you home, you little fibber!

Mr.and Mrs. Stotch?

Yes? What is it, officer?

You'd better come quick.

Your son is at the Bowery Building, threatening to kill himself.

What?!

Butters

[singing] Loo loo loo, I've got some apples, loo loo loo, you've got some too. Loo loo loo...

Cartman

Butters.

Butters

Whoa, hey, Eric.

Cartman

Butters, guess what? I have a surprise for you.

Butters

A surprise? What is it?

Cartman

It's so buckskin awesome. You're gonna be so stoked. It's the best surprise ever!

Butters

Oh, boy!

Cartman

You ready?

Butters

Y-yeah!

Cartman

Okay! Just open your mouth and close your eyes and--and get on your knees!

Butters

Oh, okay!

Cartman

Hang on a second here. [makes sure the blindfold is on snugly]

Butters

How come, uh, I can't see?

Cartman

'Cause then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? [rushes off to get the toy box]

Butters

Oh, uh, ho, yeah.

Cartman

[under his breath] All right, that's good. [undoes his pants] Okay, open your mouth, Butters. [lowers them] That's good, just like that.

Butters

[warily] Hey. Hey wait a minute. This ain't a trick, is it? You're not gonna, eh, stick something yucky in my mouth, are ya?

Cartman

I swear on my mother's life, Butters, I am not going to stick anything yucky in your mouth. [lifts up his shirt to show his massive gut]

Butters

Okay!

Cartman

All right, you ready? [grabs Butters's head and draws it closer to his penis] All right just--okay, open, uh, okay, okay, here it comes. Just sit very still, okay? Here we go.

Butters!

Cartman

Uh! [dresses quickly]

Butters

Whoa! Hey, Dad!

Butters! What are you doing?!

Butters

I'm getting a surprise! [points to his mouth]

Oh my God! My, my only son, reduced to this! [takes the blindfold off of Butters]

Butters

[looks around] Hey. Where did Eric go?

[quite concerned, on ended knee] Butters, how long have you been doing stuff like this?

Butters

Like what?

Don't lie to me, Butters! I know your secret now! No, wait, wait. It's okay. It's okay, Butters. This isn't a serious problem. You're just bi-curious.

Butters

What's...bi-curious?

You are. Just harmless curiosity, and it doesn't mean anything. We just need to get you some help, Butters.

What's going on, you two?

Butters

Nothing, Mom, I'm just a little bi-curious. [smiles]

Stan

[answers phone] Hello?

Kyle

Dude, did you finish your math homework? I kind of lost track of time last night.

Stan

No, no, I hardly got any sleep. I had this whole messed up dream about some gay mayor guy taking us to Imaginationland where all these imaginary characters lived.

Kyle

[beat] ..And then it got attacked by terrorists?

Stan

Yeah, how'd you know?!

Kyle

Dude, I had the same dream! We jumped on the dragon's back and Butters got left behind!

[enters with teary Linda and Stephen] Stan, Stanley. You haven't seen your little friend Butters, have you?

Stan

Why?

Our darling Butters never came home last night!

Kyle

What did they say?!

We don't want to jump to conclusions, but... we're worried that maybe somebody kidnapped Butters, sodomized him over and over again and then fed his genitals to wild animals. [Linda starts crying] There, there, darling.

Kyle

..Dude...

[as Butters wakes up when he and Linda enter his room] Come on, Butters, time to get up.

Butters

Oh, Dad! I had the craziest dream! I saved all of Imaginationland from running wild after a terrorist attack!

You were in Imaginationland, Butters. We read all about it in the paper. The question is, what were you doing in Imaginationland when you were supposed to be helping your mother clean up the basement?

You are grounded, mister.

Butters

[disappointed] Oh. [realizes] Wait, I'm not grounded.

Oh, yes, you are.

Butters

Oh, yeah? [tries to use his imagination powers to end the grounding]

That only works in imagination land. You're grounded.

[filming] Here's Sharon and Shelley on the roof of Best Buy. We… We ran up here to get off the streets. We found the Stotch family hiding up here also. [pans the camera to the Stotches] There's Chris and Linda, and their son, Butters.

Butters

[waves to the camera] Hello. [chuckles]

What is that? Chris, what is that?

Oh, that's a--that's a new sound.

[points to something up in the sky] Oh, God, look!

Those aren't guinea pigs!

Get off the roof!

[following them as they get off the roof and run down the stairs] Go! Go, go, go, go, go! Oh, God. Going down the stairs now. Okay, getting down the stairs!

And we are now getting word of giant bees. The giant bees have been seen in the U.S. and Europe.

Get away! There's bees everywhere! There's another one right there!

[pans the camera to a giant guinea bee] OH, MY GOD!!!

[on the ground, with a stinger stabbed in his chest] It stung me! IT STUNG ME!

Butters

[panicking as he enters the house] Mom! Mom, I gotta tell you something! You're not gonna believe it!

[knitting] Not now, Butters. Your father wants to have a talk with you in the kitchen. He is not happy.

Butters

Oh, no. What I'd do this time?

You just march on in there.

Butters

Oh, jeez. [marches into the kitchen and enters]

You see this, Butters? It's a glass of milk that I poured for myself. And you see this? It's Hamburger Helper. Now would you mind telling me what Hamburger Helper is doing in this glass of milk?! Why is Hamburger Helper in a glass of milk, Butters?!

Butters

[nervously] I have no idea, sir.

I'll tell you why! [opens the pantry] Our pantry is always kept organized alphabetically. But somebody put the Hamburger Helper where the Nestle Quik is supposed to go!

Butters

I'm sorry, Dad. It's just I've been really preoccupied lately.

How about we send him to Transylvania?

Nah, he'd probably see it as something to brag about someday to his little vampire buddies.

If we're gonna send him somewhere it should be the most horrible, most miserable place on Earth.

Scottsdale.

[knocking on the door] Butters, we just got a call from Mrs. Cartman. Butters? [rattles the door handle and finds it locked] Unbelievable! He's locked the door!

[rattling the handle and pounds on the door] Butters, this is your father! Explain why you snuck into another boy's bedroom and gave him a hickey!