South Park Season 28 quotes

Butters

[walking up to Clyde, Kenny and Tolkien] Hey, fellas, fellas! You wanna know what time I woke up this morning?

What time?

Butters

[making a hand gesture] Around 6-7!

[all doing the same gesture] 6-7!

All right, everyone, listen up. I’ve got a lot of reports of disruptions in the classroom, and some satanic numerology shit going on. So I want to remind you, this is a power christian school, and I am a power christian principal, and we will be PC! So now I want you to hear from someone who is the authority on biblical prophecies. This person is an absolute expert on the end of days, and the coming of the Anti-Christ. Please welcome, Mr. Peter Thiel.

[entering PC Principal's office] PC Principal, do you have a minute?

Sure, Jesus, what do you need?

I'm starting to wonder if I really fit in here.

Of course you fit in. This school has been a zest-pool of heathen, left-wing little bitches, and only our faith is gonna set them right.

Could I ask… exactly what branch of Christianity are you?

The kind who loves his country and doesn't tolerate any fucking fags.

Yeah, see, I really think I don't belong here.

Look, I understand it's a tough transition. You know, the Vice Principal here had the same conflict as you. But she's really come around.

The Vice Principal? Your wife?

That's right. [talks to the speaker on his desk] Could you send in Strong Christian Woman please? She was saying the same thing that this wasn’t a place for her anymore but just this last weekend she converted to Christianity.

[knocks on the door] You wanted to see me?

Yeah, Strong Christian Woman, I was just telling Jesus about our faith.

Oh, yes, it's been such a blessing.

She converted on Saturday. What do you think, huh? You ever seen a more Christian chick in your fucking life?

N-n-never.

Look, I know it's a hard adjustment, but just stick with it, and you're gonna fit in here just fine, Jesus.

How was school today, bud?

Stan

It was fine.

Look, Stan, I know it's been hard for you the past month without us having a home (and having a roof over our heads).

Stan

Yeah, it sucks.

I've tried to find work but there's just not a lot out there. And with the Government shutdown, I can't get my job back with the U.S.G.S. Times are hard, and I know we all miss Tegridy.

Stan

I don't miss Tegridy, Dad. I just hate that our family is living in a Motel. It's really embarrassing.

Well, that's what I need to tell you, Stan. There's some good news: We're moving out of the motel.

Stan

Wait, really? We can live in a house again?!

Well, no, we can't afford to live in a house, so, we're moving in with your Grandpa.

Stan

Moving in with Grandpa?!

This is a bunch of bullcrap! First, you all stick me in this place, and then you all come along?!

Pretty nice, huh, guys? There's a TV, a microwave, and we have Bingo on Thursdays!

Stan

There has to be somewhere else we can live.

Come on, Stan, you have that place over there by Grandpa's shit pan.

Stan

You can't make me stay here, this is completely inhumane!

That's what I said. Didn't work.

[furious] That little shit! That little shit!

It's already all over the school. Butters is trying to humiliate you.

What the hell did I do to him?!

Bebe

Well, you did kind of use him.

I didn't use him! He wanted to buy me a Labubu.

You should go tell the principal, Red, they said if anyone made these kinds of videos of other students, they'd call the police.

[turns around] I don't need to tell the principal. There's gonna be a big assembly this afternoon. I'll get Butters back myself.

Sir! There's a Studio Ghibli here that wants to talk to the kid.

What's a Studio Ghibli?

Some Japanese guys say they represent Totoro.

[angrily; pushes Mitch] You! You fuck Totoro!

Totoro is Studio Ghibli I.P.!

Oh, so Totoro's already got some lawyers, huh?

It takes hundreds of artists, three years to make Totoro! And then two minutes, you spit out your shit, and fuck Totoro!

Studio Ghibli no sakuhin! (Studio Ghibli's artwork!)

What!?

Kenny

[muffling] But we didn't make that video!

Alright, I can't understand a word anyone here is sayin'!

You stop! This is a "Shi-shu and de-shisto"!

"Shi-shu and de-shisto"!

[to Mitch] Mitch! Get 'em outta here!

Shimatta! Totoro no meiyo ga kigasareta! (Damn it! Totoro's reputation has been tarnished!)

[to Butters and Kenny] You cannot just do whatever you want with someone else's I.P.!

You like that hot shit in your Jew mouth?

Stan

I mean, you got to admit it's pretty impressive. It looks really real.

Kyle

It's not impressive! It's fucked up! How is this even legal?!

Butters

Nothing's sacred, Kyle. All you can do is fight fire with fire.

Kyle

Well, then, let's see how Red likes it when we make one of her and Bluey!

Butters

[speaking out to the court] It wasn't their fault, all right? It's all my fault! This all started with me, because my heart was broken. I made the first videos using Sora 2. I saw the ones Eric Cartman made to get out of going to school and I thought I could make these about Red 'cause the bitch deserves it! But it was just me!

Wait, you're saying that the Eric Cartman videos are all being created by someone to distort the truth? [looks at Mitch] That's gotta be Totoro! Trace the IP address, and let's get the son of a bitch!

All right, people. It's almost Thanksgiving, and that means the annual Turkey Trot is nearly upon us. How is it that we haven't found one sponsor to help pay for this event?

South Park's just fallen on hard times, Mayor. Nobody's got the money.

Tegridy Farms used to be a sponsor of the Turkey Trot, but as you know, we've recently all lost Tegridy. So I'm afraid we just can't help.

What about the City Pop-up Store? Can't they help sponsor this year's race?

How shitty Asian pop-up pay for Turkey Trot? We gotta pay tariff! We're more fucked than anybody!

Let's just face it, Mayor. South Park businesses are dying and a lot of good people have lost their jobs.

[entering the room with janitor equipment] Trash? Anybody got trash?

[forming a ball with paper] Oh, yeah, here's some, bank shot! [throws it at him]

There has to be a solution, people. [gets up from her seat and walks over to a window, looking outside] The Turkey Trot is the one time of year this town comes together as a community. We all need it now more than ever.

Well, of course there is someone who'd be willing to give South Park a bunch'a money. I mean, they're giving money to everyone else, why not us?

[turns around] My God... [smiles] That's it!

The White House is demanding we release the prisoner, or they're going to send in Pete Hegseth!

Who's Pete Hegseth?

Alright, I sure don't wanna tango with you guys. How about you just press this secret button in the floor here, and the jail cell doors will all open.

[bending over, looking at the floor] The secret button?

Yeah, you see, it's right there! [kicks Hegseth in the ass, knocking him over] Now get your little bitch ass out of my town.

Oh, you-! I dare you to do that again!

Stan

[off-screen] The past few months have just been... really awful. There were these ICE raids and my dad's company went out of business. Then we lost our house and had to move into the old folks home with my grandpa. [cut to him in the counselor's office] It's like everything keeps changing and I really don't know how to cope with it.

[tuning an electric guitar; disinterested] Uh-huh. And how exactly do you feel like shit has changed, bro?

Stan

Well, Jesus, it just seems like people aren't really as kind and giving as they used to be, you know? Like, I just got some money from Saudi Arabia and I'm thinking of sharing it. 'Cause I feel like that's what everyone needs right now. Like, a big Christmas miracle?

Sounds like some socialist bullshit to me, bro.

Stan

Jesus, I don't wanna live in an old folks home anymore, okay?! Now, I don't know what's made you change like this, but we need some god damn Christmas magic!

Stan

[enters the restroom, reluctantly goes to the toilet, and looks down at the bowl] I don't know if you can hear me, but I've been kinda wishing for a Christmas miracle. If miracles can still even happen, please, make it happen now?

Yay!

Look, guys! It's Stanny!

Stanny!

Stan

[turns around; horrified] Oh, no!

Did you miss us, Stan?

Stan

OH, NO! [quickly runs out of the restroom]

Stan

[angrily] What do you guys want?!

Well, didn't you hear, Stan? Satan's gonna give birth to the Anti-Christ!

Yeah, he's gonna have a butt baby and there's gonna be a big crap out!

And nobody loves a crap out more than us!

Stan

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, this doesn't make any sense! You guys are just something that Cartman made up in his head!

[looking at each other] Uhh, are you really gonna over-analyze a crap out?

No way, crap outs have no rules!

Alright, y'all. Stan was just here to help the Prince of Darkness, so we gotta do what he says.

Stan

I didn't wish for that! I didn't know anything about Satan having a baby or crap outs!

But you asked for a Christmas miracle, Stan. And this crap out's gonna make everything better!

Stan

[thinking about it] It is? Are you sure?

Of course! Crap outs are the best!

Come on, let's get to it!

Stan

Okay, hold on a second. You said that Satan was in Washington, D.C.?

Yeah, he was! And now he's about to be here!

Stan

But how can you know that?

Oh, for Pete's sake, Stanny. Will you just get on board with the crap out already?

Don't worry, Stanny. Everything has been foretold and nothing can stop the antichrist from comin'!

Except, of course, for Peter Thiel.

P-P-P-Peter Thiel?

Stan

Wait, you mean the "6-7" guy?

You know Peter Thiel?

Stan

Yeah, he did a big dumb assembly at the school.

He's here?!

What are you gonna do, Stanny?

Are you gonna kill him and eat him?

Stan

Alright, look. If I'm gonna get on board with something, I need it to make a little bit of sense.

Well, okay, Susan Sontag. We'll make sure it all lines up perfectly for you.