Heidi quotes from South Park

Heidi

Shut up, Kyle. You sound like your mom.

Is it just me, or are things around here getting worse and worse?

It's definitely not just you. I think everyone's in shock that Heidi went back to Cartman.

What keeps driving her back to him? It's so weird.

She's so… mean and angry these days.

People change. They say you become more and more like the person you're with, and I guess it's true with Heidi.

Heidi

[joining them at the table] Hey, guys. What's up?

[fearfully] Hey, Heidi.

Heidi

What are you guys talkin' about?

Nothing.

Heidi

Bullcrap, you're all talkin' about me again. 'Cause you're judgmental bitches. [belches] Ehh…

Heidi, are you okay? It's just… you look…

Heidi

I look what?

You know, y-you just look…

Heidi

What? I look fat? Is that what you wanna say, Wendy? Fuck you, bitch!

She's just concerned, Heidi.

Heidi

[mimicking Theresa] "Mehmehmehmehmehhh, Heidi." I'm just trying to enjoy my lunch here! Can I do it without you guys shitting on all over me?

Heidi

[enters Mr. Mackey's office] You wanted to see me, Mr. Mackey?

Oh, yes, Heidi. Uh, we just wanted to see if you have transportation to the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend, or if you wanted us to set something up for you.

Heidi

What?

…Uh, Saturday is the science fair, and, you're the judge for the competition?

Heidi

Judge a special needs science fair? Ahem, no thanks.

Well, Heidi, is there a problem with you being the judge this weekend?

Heidi

Uhh, yeah? It's Saturday, and I don't wanna be at school?

But, you're always the judge of the Special Ed Science Fair because you're our best science student.

Heidi

So, now I'm gonna be punished by being force to judge a bunch of handicapped kids?!

But… Okay, you see, the problem is that you volunteered last month, Heidi. You said you wanted to do it, m'kay?

Heidi

Well, how can you expect students to commit to things a month in advance?! I don't even know what I want for dinner tonight.

Look, the kids have worked really hard and have done some amazing projects.

Heidi

You're gonna force me to come to school on a Saturday?!

Heidi, eh… is everything all right?

Heidi

Oh, what? Are you gonna call me fat now too?! It just so happens I'm a vegan, which means it'd difficult for me to get enough protein, so my body doesn't burn fat, it burns muscle, which makes it look like I'm fat, but I'm actually WAY healthier than any of YOU!

Heidi, you're judging the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend.

Heidi

Oh, Goddammit!

Heidi

[frustrated] This is bullcrap! How can they force me to be the Science Fair judge?! Now I know how it feels to be a slave!

It's…not exactly like being a slave, Heidi.

Heidi

Yes, it is! Am I being paid to judge the Science Fair?! No! Do I have a choice?! No! Ooh, yes, massa! Let me judge that Science Fair for you, sir!

God, will you stop?!

Heidi

Theresa, don't get all aggro on me because you're pissed off your family lives in a trailer.

My family doesn't live in a trailer. We live in a tiny home. My parents downsized to make a smaller footprint on the environment.

Heidi

That's what I said. Your family lives in a trailer.

There's lots of progressive people living in tiny homes. There's five others on my block.

Heidi

Right. That's called a trailer park.

[embarrassed] I don't live in a trailer park!

Just don't even respond to her. Just ignore her.

Heidi

I'll try, but she's such a bitch.

She wasn't talking to you, Heidi.

Heidi

Oh, looks like Isla has something to say, you guys. Hold on, I'm sure this is going to be really profound. Go ahead, Isla, knock us out with you wit and satire. This should be good, you guys.

Cartman

[walks up to Heidi] Hey, Heidi, what's up?

Heidi

[uninterested] Oh, hey, babe, what's going on?

Cartman

What are you up to?

Heidi

Nothing, just talking to my girlfriends about tiny homes.

Heidi

Butters!

Butters

[turns around, startled] Oh! Hey!

Heidi

How would you like to be the judge for the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend?

Butters

Uh, I can't. I'm going to a birthday party.

Cartman

Butters, don't be a dick!

Heidi

Yeah, don't make up excuses because judging handicapped students sounds terrible.

Cartman

Yeah, Butters. God.

He's not making it up. It's my birthday party.

Cartman

Well, then could you invite Heidi, please? She needs an excuse not to have to go to the special needs science fair.

Stan

What's wrong with supporting them? They're our friends.

Heidi

Because nobody wants to be trapped in a gym with Special Ed science.

Kyle

Actually, some other projects are pretty cool.

Shut up, Kyle! Samesies! [both kiss]

Heidi

Look, it's all just a complete waste of time. It's not like a Special Ed Science Fair is actually gonna contribute to society.

Heidi

[pacing around Cartman, upset] What the hell is going on?! Everywhere I turn, people are being given handouts while I'm forced to work my ass off! It's total bullshit!

Cartman

Yeah… uh… Babe, uh I understand that you're pissed off, but, um, you know, it is recess. Maybe we should relax and have some fun?

Heidi

[stops pacing] Relax?! How can I relax?! I get straight A's! I ace every test! And who gets all the support?! The Special Ed Department!

Heidi

[standing on the podium] Fellow students, I have asked to speak today because of the hypocrisy and bullying that is coming from the administration at this so-called school. It is an outrage that our principal and counselor demand our participation in privileged programs that are outrageously overfunded. Why is it that the school allows funding that only goes to special-needs students? Are the rest of us not special? If we are continually asked to work for no money and ask our parents to pay for our programs, then soon we will all be poor, and forced to live in a trailer park, like Theresa.

It's not a trailer!

Heidi

Theresa, get over it. You live in a trailer park. It's not a big deal.

Cartman

Uh, okay, honey. You're kind of getting off topic, sweetie.

Heidi

What did you say?!

Cartman

I just… I just want you to stay on point so we can get this over with.

Heidi

"GET THIS OVER WITH?!" You're supposed to be supporting me!

Cartman

I am supporting you, sweetheart!

Heidi

Being supportive doesn't mean you criticize me, asshole! Just forget it! My point is, if the school administration doesn't cancel the science fair, I will see to it that they are all fired for discrimination!

[to PC Principal] She's kind of like Cartman, but with the ability to follow through.

Oh, dude. Bro.

Little girl, stop! It doesn't have to end this way.

Cartman

[coming through] Move aside! Move aside! [panting to catch his breath] Heidi, seriously, you need to listen to me!

Heidi

[also panting to catch her breath] I don't… have to listen… to anybody!

Cartman

Yes, yes you do! You need to listen!

Heidi

Fuck you!

Cartman

No, fuck you!

Little girl, please! What you have in your hand is very special.

Heidi

Well, I'm sick of everyone treating me like shit!

Think about the NFL. How much joy it brings to everyone!

Don't listen to them. Give the water bears to me. I deserve all the fame and bitches.

Cartman

Heidi, you've gotta stop being so angry.

Look, if you- if you don't do it for the NFL, what about humanity? Those creatures are showing the first signs of sentience. Think about what they could mean for science. For medicine. Making people better.

Cartman

Come on, babe. We all want the old Heidi back.

Heidi

[looks up at the balcony, noticing Wendy, Theresa, and Isla looking down upon her, looks down at the water bears, then looks up again] Screw all you guys! [chugs down the whole fish bowl, killing the water bears]

[shocked with horror] NO!!!!

[comforting Tweek] There there, Tweek. Everything is going to be okay.

I saw what I saw, Craig! You have to believe me!

Stan

What's going on?

Tweek's having a panic attack.

It was real! He tried to get me!

Kyle

Who did?

The President!

It's just your imagination, Tweek.

Stan

It's not his imagination. I saw him too.

Kyle

You saw the President?

Stan

Out by the quarry. But I didn't believe it. I said, "How could this be?"

Heidi

"The President?" I saw him too. He had a blue suit and an orange face. He kept asking me "How are my ap-"

Token

"How are my approval ratings?" I saw him too.

Stan

Dude, isn't this all really familiar? I saw something just like this on that show called Stranger-

Stranger Things. Stranger Things is the show. I saw it too.

But wait, isn't Stranger Things just like that movie-?

Cartman

Just like that movie IT.

You saw IT too?

Cartman

Yeah, I saw IT in the theater.

Token

I saw Stranger Things and IT.

Jesus, I don't think anyone's imagining anything. I think the President IS here. You kids get inside somewhere. I have to warn the town! [gets on his bike and rides off, only to fall on his face] Aw!

Heidi

[takes the gun out of Robert's hand and aims it at Cartman; enraged] You piece of shit! This was all your fault! You controlled me, and manipulated me, and turned me into this!

Cartman

[with his hands up] Baby, put down the gun, sweetheart, okay?

Heidi

I used to be kind! I used to be caring! But then you... you... [realizes] No. Not you. Me. I did this. I let being a victim become a way of life. If you always make yourself the victim, you can justify being awful. Eric... I'm sorry. I'm breaking up with you.

Cartman

Honey, don't be ridiculous.

Heidi

I've been ridiculous. I have to learn to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Cartman

Heidi, you are not breaking up with me.

Heidi

Yes, I am. It's over.

Cartman

I'm afraid I can't let you do that, sweetheart! [takes the gun out of her hands and points it to his head, threatening to kill himself] Step back! I'll do it, I swear to God!

Heidi

It's not gonna work this time, Eric.

Cartman

You break up with me, I will kill myself! The choice is yours, Heidi! Come on everybody! "Eric, we don't want you to die."

Heidi

I'm sorry. You can be the victim. I can't.