Steve the Newfoundlander quotes from South Park

Of course, we could always take me boat, aye.

Oh, God. One of them is a war veteran. [more knocking] We're gonna have to give him some change.

Ooooohhhhh, fuuuuuuck yooouuuuu!

No, no, no, no, no, no, do not fuck me because I am you and then we will be just fucking ourselves!

Kyle

God dammit, we need to get to the new Prime Minister, now!

Oh yeah, the new Prime Minister, eh? He sure has screwed up things for Newfoundland. Life just hasn't been the same since he made sodomy illegal.

Kyle

Can we just get going please?

Yeah sure, there's just one problem.

Stan

What?

You folks are going the wrong way.

Stan

What?! But I thought there was only one road in Canada!

Yeah, and you all went the wrong direction on it.

Oh, that's right! Ottawa is that way!

Of course! Ottawa left, Newfoundland right!

Thanks for coming, everyone. I know you are all concerned as Sarah and I are about what's happening to our children.

I just... can't believe that children in our town are dressing up in hero costumes and peeing in each other's mouths.

And who are these kids? Does anyone know? They're wearing capes and forcing objects into their own rectal cavities? Why?

[referring to himself and his wife] We were shocked to read that a young African-American boy is wearing Tupperware and defecating on girls while they sleep. What if those kids are hanging out with our kids?

You know what I think the problem is? Facebook.

Facebook? How so?

Well, look, we all know there's a lot of mixing of truth and fiction that's been on Facebook lately, and children lack the cognitive ability to determine what's true and what isn't on Facebook. That's why we now have young kids dressing up in costumes, eating poop, and having sex with antelopes in our town.

Maybe we need to get our kids off of Facebook.

That'll never happen. You know what I say we do? Let's invite Mark Zuckerberg to come and talk to us all about our concerns in this community.

Do you really think he'd come?

Why not give it a try? Let's invite Mark Zuckerberg here and see what he has to say? I'm sure he's a reasonable person. [sips his coffee]

Stan

[approaching Tolkien, while playing football with Butters] Uh, hey, Token.

Tolkien

Oh, hey, Stan.

Stan

Uh, listen, I uh… How you doin'?

Tolkien

Fine.

Stan

Um… You think your family would wanna come over for dinner? Out at our farm?

Tolkien

It's kinda far, isn't it?

Stan

Yeah, but… Look, Token, I think maybe you and I should hang out more.

Tolkien

What are you talking about?

Stan

I mean, we never just hang out, you and me.

Butters

Hey, we never hang out just you and me either, Stan!

Stan

Shut up, Butters! Look, just will you please just see if your family will come over for dinner? It would mean a lot.

Ok, there we go. This is a farm fresh hemp salad sourced locally here at Tegridy! All right, come on everybody, dig in.

[pleased] Thank you so much for having us over. This is really nice.

We've never been to a marijuana farm before.

Well, you know, with our boys starting to become so close, we thought we better get the families together! If they're friends, then we need to be friends! [pulls out his phone] Do you mind if I post this? Check out our friends!

Randy… I hope you didn't invite us here because we're black.

W-what are you talking about?

It's just that the past year or so a lot of people have been inviting us over to dinner and then taking pictures of us to show everyone on Instagram.

Oh, that's so lame. No, we really just wanted to get to know you guys better since Stan is friends with Token. You know… just out of curiosity– why did you guys name him that?

What do you mean?

Well– I mean, it's just kind of an odd name, isn't it? Like, some people might think you guys naming your son that isn't very cool.

People have a problem with Tolkien's name?

Well, I mean other people just think it's a little… I mean, come on, I mean, I'm– I'm not calling you guys racist, but– why did you name your son that?

My husband has always been a huge fan of Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit.

I wanted to name my son after my favorite author. But she didn't want to name our son J.R.R., so we just named him Tolkien.

[shocked] His name is Tolkien?

Yes, you know his name is Tolkien.

Stan

[to Tolkien] I thought your name was "Token".

Tolkien

My name is "Tolkien".

Sorry, I don't think it's that weird. J.R.R. Tolkien is one of the most prolific, influential writers of our time.

Holy shit, that's what his name means?

What did you think his name meant?

Would you like to see how we grow and process our weed?

[angrily knocks on the door and Randy answers] What the hell are you doing?

Taking shit tons of Tegridy orders. Sales are going nuts right now.

No, why is my face on a billboard?!

Because we work together?

You said you just needed someone to help with accounting!

Yes, but then, you got promoted! I was gonna surprise you. Don't you see how lucrative this can be? I mean, we make a pretty damn good team in the weed business. I mean, we are Ben and Jerry– We're Ben and Jerry. You're Jerry, and I'm Ben.

I thought I was Jerry.

No, you're a towel.

Oh, that's even better.

I told you before that I'm not interested in the marijuana business. I don't believe in drinking or doing drugs.

Doing dru… Do you remember when Bilbo first set out with the dwarves to fight Smaug? What's the first thing they all did? They partied their asses off. [sings] ♫ Chip the glasses, click the plates / That's what Bilbo Baggins hates ♫ And then they certainly had an adventure together, didn't they? Filled with… [pulls out a wad of cash and puts it in Steve's pocket] Lucrative treasure.

You really think we could make a lot of money together?

Ben and Jerry, my man. Ben and fucking Jerry.

They stole it! They stole my idea!

Who did?

Those dickheads across the street! They took everything I learned about using black culture to make a bigger profit and they're doing it themselves! Get this little prick outta my house! [drags Tolkien outside]

Stan

DAD!

Get him outta here, he's a spy! Hey, fuck face! I don't want your kid over at my house, you got that?!

Hey, man, what's your problem?

You want a war?! Well, you got one! Game on, asshole!

Game on, motherfucker.

Everyone back in the house. Come on, let's go.

Stan

But, Dad…

Shut up!

The story of young Stan Marsh might seem incredible, but the fact is many people suffer from unconscious biases. If you or someone you know might have also thought the name Tolkien didn't come from J.R.R. Tolkien, then please call… 1-800-I AM A GIANT PIECE OF SHIT. Because you are the fucking problem.