A character in South Park
Sharon Marsh
South Park · 1,569 quotes
7th most-quoted character in South Park: in 63 of its 1,569 quotes
Most scenes with: Randy Marsh (52), Stan Marsh (29), Shelley (9)
[sees Randy outside the window; irritated] GOD DAMN IT! [angrily exits the therapist's office and gets into Randy's face] Stop acting like there's something wrong with me! Something's wrong with you, all of you!! Try having some goddamn compassion!
[Stan's mother, Sharon, is speaking to Kyle's mother, Sheila, on the phone. In the background, Stan runs around screaming, wielding an ice pick]
Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick?
[screaming] No! I have to get it out!
Will he be okay out of the hospital?
Oh sure, sure. But we have to get him back soon. If he doesn't get his antibiotic shot today, he could die.
DIE!??
Yes, die. It won't be any easy death, either. The chickenpox will slowly move down his trachea into his lungs.
Okay, well well, let's go look—
As he chokes for breath, the pox will move through his inner ear, into his brain, making him think he's David Duchovny.
Oh God, no!!
I'm a-I'm sure he couldn't have gone far.
Now moving on all fours and wheezing uncontrollably, his cellular structure will regress into a gelatinous mass of—
What are you doing, sweetheart?
Getting a cookie. We're building a clubhouse and--
You men are all alike. First you get a cookie and then you criticize the way I dress, and then it's the way I cook. I suppose next you'll be telling me that you "need your space" and that I'm "sabotaging your creativity". Go ahead, Stanley, get your goddamned cookie!
[she leaves]
...Okay.
Now, young man, uh... ...school is a time for learning, not for immature skylarkings.
What's skylarkings?
You know, like tomfooleries.
Who?
[Someone knocks on Mr. Mackey's door and open Mr. Mackey's door]
Oh, your parents are here.
[Randy and Sharon enter]
Oh, no.
Thank you for coming on such short notice. I was just disciplining your son for his skylarkings.
Stanley, I... Skylarkings?
Yeahm'kay?
Stanley, I want you to explain to me why you were passing notes in school.
Randy, let me handle this. Now Stanley, I want you to explain to me why you were passing notes in school.
It wasn't my note, dude. It was some girl's.
Okay, Stanley, we're all here to get to the root of your behavior disorder.
You really should know better, Stanley.
You need to shape up, mister.
[To Randy.] Don't interrupt me! You always interrupt me when I talk! Can't you see that I?--
[A bit testily.] I don't interrupt you.
There, you did it again! [To Mr. Mackey.] He interrupted me again.
Okay, uh -- perhaps you should let your wife finish talking, Mr. Marsh. Now, Stan, I want you to be...
Okay, I'm sorry I interrupt. But she always takes over any conversation!
Sharon,
Yes Hun?
There's a policeman being held prisoner in our basement.
Yes, Hun, I had to restrain him so he wouldn't find the bodies in the back yard and take our baby away.
Why did you take his pants off?
Sharon doesn't reply
... Sh ... Sharon ... Why did you take his pants off?
[screams]
STANLEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?
I'm beating off the dog. Red rocket, Sparky, red rocket! :[everyone is shocked]
STANLEY, YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW!
My room? Why?
Go, Stanley! [Stan goes straight to his room; chuckles nervously] He gets very good grades. [Later, in Stan's room; sternly] Stanley, do you know why you're being grounded for ten months?
No.
Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company. [Sharon glares at him] Uh, I mean ever- beating off the dog is not appropriate ever.
[South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are filling their seats. Stan and Kyle enter the classroom]
Dude, it looks like Cartman and Kenny are ditching school again.
[he and Stan take their seats] Yeah, they're gonna get busted again.
[enters carrying a few books] Alright, class, let's take our seats. [seats the book down on her desk and turns to the class] Now, uh, before we get started, Stan and Kyle? Uh, the principal needs to see you in her office.
The principal? Aw, come on!
We don't know where Cartman is, Ms. Choksondik!
She needs to see you now. [points to the door. Stan and Kyle leave their seats, Kyle leading Stan]
Aw man, here we go again! Use the Jew as a scapegoat.
[Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Stan and Kyle are expecting the usual lecture, but are surprised to see their parents on either side of Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey]
Hello, boys.
Wait. What's going on here? [he and Kyle back up a bit. Their parents join them]
Alright, we don't know for sure why Cartman is ditching school, but it has something to do with abortion. That's all we know.
[Chef has joined the principal and Mr. Mackey] You didn't do anything wrong boys. We just need to talk to you. Have a seat. [the boys each take a chair and sit down] Boys, uh... your little friend Kenny went to the hospital last night, m'kay. [the boys look stunned] And well, he's pretty sick. [Sharon leans on Randy]
Kenny's sick?
Well, how sick?
Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with a... terminal disease.
[after a pause] ...But... the doctors are gonna make him better, right?
Oh dear. [buries her face in Randy's shoulder]
Mom, that's what hospitals are for. They, they can make him better.
Randy...
They don't think so, Stanley. Your friend is terminally ill, and that means.. Well son,... th- that means he's going to be going to heaven soon.
Wait. Kenny's going to die?
He might, Kyle.
[tearing up] ...But... he's out... fu... fufu- friend.
We know, and that's why he's going to need you boys to be strong for him, m'kay? He needs you now more than ever.
No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die! Kenny can't die!! [buries his face in Randy's arm and begins sobbing]
[When Stan locks himself in his room with Kyle, Cartman, and Kyle, and the calves after he refused to give Rancher Bob his calves...]
[pounds on the door, trying to open it] Stanley! Stanley, you open this door right now or you're gonna get it!
No!
Stan, you're behaving like a kid!
You're the ones who made me eat veal without telling me what it was! You're the ones who knew we were making little baby animals suffer!
Open this door, now!
Kiss my ass!
Oh Jeez, he said "ass" to his parents.
You're getting in pretty deep, dude.
So, kids, anything fun happen with your whole Sunday off?
Uh, Cartman shoved his lunch up his ass and crapped out his mouth.
Stanley!
What? He did!
No, it doesn't work that way, son.
Yeah, it does.
No, it doesn't.
Yeah, it does.
[Randy curiously looks at his food]
St. Peter's Basilica has collapsed after Father Maxi tore the Holy Document of Vatican Law up.
Gone...it's all gone.
Well, thanks a lot, Father Maxi; you've killed our religion.
No, I didn't! All that's dead are your stupid laws and rules.
Cut to a television set in the Marsh residence, where the family is watching. Maxi's speech is being broadcast live on television.
(continuing) You've forgotten what being a Catholic is all about: this book. You see, these are just stories. Stories that are meant to help guide people [cut back to Vatican] in the right direction. "Love your neighbor", "be a good person", [cut to the Williams family watching] that's it! And when you start [cut back to Vatican] turning the stories into literal translations of hierarchies and power, well...well you end up with this.
[cut to the Queen spider, then the Gilgameks]
People are losing faith because they don't see how what [cut to Marsh residence] you've turned the religion into applies to them. They've lost touch with any idea of any kind of religion, [cut to the Tweak residence] and when they have no mythology to try and live their lives by, well, they just start spewing a bunch of crap out of their mouths!
[cut to the Tweak family watching this, as Richard Tweak is just finishing defecating out his mouth into a waste basket]
(distracted) What was that last bit?
[cut back to the Vatican]
Look, I'm proud to be a Catholic, but I'm a Catholic in the real world - in today's world! It's time for you all to do that too. It is time...for change.
[cut back to the Marsh residence]
He's right, Sharon. We don't have to believe every word of the Bible, they're just stories to help us live by. We shouldn't toss away the lessons of the Bible just because some assholes in Italy screwed it up.
Oh, Randy, I don't wanna put food up my butt anymore.
Gang, I think maybe we owe God an apology.
Does this mean we have to go to church on Sundays again?
No, it means we get to, son. It means...we get to.
[A few seconds later, Randy defecates out of his mouth. Roll credits.]
Interior scene, Marsh residence. Stan, who has regressed to a primitive state, is gesturing with a stick to drawings he's made of breasts on the living room wall. Realizing he's starting to take interest in girls, Randy and Sharon decide to have a talk with him.
A-tah! Ah, a-tah!
Hey there, son.
(Turns around) Ohh! A-tah, a-tah!
Yes, a-tah. Let's have a talk, Stan.
Ah.
Stan, as you get older, boobs, these "a-tah", will start becoming a major part of your life.
A-tah?
But Stanley, you can't let them get in the way of your friends. There're a lot of boobs out there son, but they're just boobs. Your friends are forever.
Friends...a-tah.
I know you think this set of boobs is important now, but those boobs will be replaced by another set of boobs. Boobs will come and go, and then, some day, (puts an arm around a smiling Sharon) you'll meet a pair of boobs you want to marry - and those become the boobs that matter the most.
I love you.
If you can just understand that, Stanley, you'll see that boobs hold no real power at all.
And so, that's the situation. All the boys are out there somewhere with a... pornographic videotape.
Oh, God! This-this is horrible!
All right, calm down! Now, just how bad of a porno tape are we talking here? I mean, was it like... Crotch Capers 3?
I'm afraid it was... Backdoor Sluts 9.
BACKDOOR SLUTS 9!?!
It's that bad?
Backdoor Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!
I-It is the single most vile, twisted... dark piece of porn ever made.
[lightly slaps Gerald] How the hell do you know?!
I...uh... I-I-I read about it in People.
[to Randy and Sharon] Oh, this is just great! How could you two be so careless?!
We're sorry!
Well, Sheila, we can't shelter our boys forever from these things. Maybe it's okay for them to see an adult film.
Not without their parents to put it in a proper context! They won't understand what they're seeing!
I-It can't hurt 'em that much, can it?
[grasping the window outside] Precious!! Let me see my precious! Please!!
Well, Randy, that was some great advice you gave our son yesterday.
What?
Those kids showed up to serve Stan again, and he danced back.
Well, what happened?
It's on.
[as Stan returns home] Well, there he is. Where have you been all afternoon?
I was over at the new neighbors, the Jeffersons.
Oh, are they nice people?
Yeah, it's just the dad and his son.
Well, we're supposed to have the Broflovskis and the Stotches over for dinner tonight. Maybe I'll invite Mr. Jefferson too.
Eric CartmanTrey Parker · 536 quotes
Stan MarshTrey Parker · 383 quotes
Kyle BroflovskiMatt Stone · 344 quotes
RMRandy Marsh187 quotes
Butters StotchMatt Stone · 135 quotes
GMr. Garrison76 quotes
SSStephen Stotch60 quotes
Kenny McCormickMatt Stone · 47 quotes
MMr. Mackey42 quotes
GBGerald Broflovski38 quotes
SheilaMona Marshall · 35 quotes
WWendy30 quotes
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