Well, I'm sorry that I'm actually in control of my goddamn emotions, you baby! [beat] Oh, see? Now you made me lose control of my emotions. Goddamn it.
They're doing a memorial service with speeches and crying. What's that gonna solve?
HTHeidi Turner
It's not about problem solving, Eric. It's about people getting together and feeling what they need to feel. People need help sorting out their emotions sometimes. And the best thing isn't always quick answers but just being there, supporting each other and talking through those feelings.
[referring to himself and his wife] We were shocked to read that a young African-American boy is wearing Tupperware and defecating on girls while they sleep. What if those kids are hanging out with our kids?
Well, look, we all know there's a lot of mixing of truth and fiction that's been on Facebook lately, and children lack the cognitive ability to determine what's true and what isn't on Facebook. That's why we now have young kids dressing up in costumes, eating poop, and having sex with antelopes in our town.
Make me look a fool, will you? We'll just see about this! [he and his son enter Vladimir's office] Not so funny now, is it? Go on! Tell Mr. Putin what you told me!
Didn't break any rules! Good job teaching our children that's all that matters! Just because there's a way to (either) cause chaos in a town, or disrupt an entire country, doesn't mean you go and do it, does it?! If Mark Zuckerberg points a loaded cannon at someone's face, [points to Vladimir] are you innocent for just lighting the fuse?! Answer me!
No! You don't go around making things about people either, unless it's about Mark Zuckerberg 'cause he deserves it. [walks to the door] I hope you're both very satisfied with the damage you've caused, because you're both GROUNDED! [leaves the office, slamming the door behind him]
[Episode starts with some kids at a birthday party in the Preston family's backyard and celebrating Marcus' birthday]
MDMarcus' Dad
[on microphone] Okay, okay, can everyone hear me? Hello? Thanks, everyone, for helping us celebrate Marcus' birthday. As a special birthday surprise for you, Marcus, we got you your favorite entertainer. Everyone, please welcome Chuck E. Cheese.
[rather clearly appearing so strung out he can barely stand] I ah thanks... for'm celeb... Marcus's birthday....
MMMarcus' Mom
What's wrong with him?
MDMarcus' Dad
Can't you tell? He's high on painkillers!
CEChuck E. Cheese
[tries to remember what he's supposed to play] Hold on. Shit. Okay, let's.... Let's do this! [slams a riff on his guitar] ♫ Never meant to cause you any sor-♫[projectile vomits with enough force to spew out of the holes in his costume head, before he falls off the stage, dead, as Marcus can only scream in horror]
MDMarcus' Dad
All right, kids, uh, why don't we head back to the party and cut the cake?
I don't want cake! Who's gonna eat cake at a time like this?! (crying)
M1Man 1
Another drug overdose?
M2Man 2
Most likely. Percolate and Oxycontin found wrapped in his cheesecloth.
M1Man 1
Prescription drugs, but with no prescription
M2Man 2
You guys know where all these illegal meds are coming from?
M1Man 1
Most likely from the prisons. Whenever there's a drug epidemic you can usually trace it back to people who've been... thrown away by society and forgotten about.
Students, faculty, and staff, today we are facing an epidemic of catastrophic proportions. I know I am not alone in mourning the loss of one of our greatest entertainers, Chuck E. Cheese. Had we known the personal hell he was going through, perhaps we could've helped. But too many were more than eager to supply Chuck E. with the opioids that caused his untimely death. Chuck E. was not the first entertainer to die from this epidemic. Let us not forget Dinkie Dook the Clown, dead of a Roxanol overdose at Tommy Schneider's bar mitzvah last March. Shimmer and Shine, who both collapsed from massive amounts of oxycodone at Nelly Anderson's birthday party. Spider-Man, cut down in his prime by Demerol, and just recently, Swiper the Fox, dead of multiple opioids found in his crochet pillow. How many more entertainers must we lose before we take action?! It is time to declare war on opioids in our society!
Dude, did you hear everyone in school?! They're coming after you! You killed Swiper the Fox, and we were standing there with you! You gotta tell people we had no idea what was going on!
[enters the bathroom] Hey, fellas! Boy, that Marcus kid is on the warpath, huh? Well, he's really motivated. I mean, screw that kid, but I guess it's good somebody's finally doing something about these goddamn drug dealers. Well, see ya, fellas. [leaves the bathroom]
Oh, my God! Don't let anyone near Peppa Pig until I arrive! [arrives at the scenery] Move aside! Let me through! Aw, Peppa. Peppa, can you hear me? My name is Marcus Preston. Can you understand me? Where did you get the drugs, Peppa? Was it from Stan Marsh?
PPPeppa Pig
Yo, man, what you talkin' about? Get me a fuckin' ambulance!
Shh, Peppa, focus. Soon, you'll be in heaven jumping in all the muddy puddles you can imagine. But first, you must tell me, where do the Hummels go, Peppa?
You can put an end to this place, but you won't be stopping the problem. These people are victims too, Marcus. Victims of a way bigger game being played by way bigger people!
It's not for me, Marcus. Look, I know you loved Chuck E. Cheese. I know you'd do anything to bring down the people who took him from you. That's why you have to go further, Marcus. Take it to the people who profited from Chuck E.'s addiction.
[comes down the stairs, goes to the fridge, gets out a gallon of fruit punch, and drinks straight from it, sighing with satisfaction; then turns and notices Sharon crossing her arms] Oh. Hey, didn't see you there.
Your buddy, Chip Duncan? [holds up her phone, showing last night's news] Apparently, he flew around on a broom, blew things up, and kidnapped some children?
Randy a real witch is flying around in the sky snatching children! I don't think this is the best time for you to be wearing a witch costume and partying.
