Hillary Rodham Clinton quotes from South Park

What is going on, Brian?

Ms. Clinton, it appears that terrorists have suck a snuke up your sniz.

[fanning face] Oh my.

What can we do? Can we disable the timer?

It won't have a timer. Snukes are detonated remotely. Whoever our terrorist is has the detonator with him.

But then that means--

Yes. If we don't find that detonator, everyone in the town of South Park is going to die. Forever.

Tom, what is up with this Muhammad thing? It doesn't make sense.

Yeah, you said we were just suing South Park.

No, I said we're going to use South Park to make sure we never got ripped on again! Look, people, all of us... get ridiculed, but who is the one person on this earth that is completely free from slander?

You want Muhammad because he can't be ridiculed?

Muhammad has a power that makes him impervious to being made fun of. What if we…could harness that power. [walks up to Jimmy Buffett] Jimmy Buffett, how would you like it if nobody could call your music drunken fratboy monkey garbage?

I'd-I'd love it.

By taking what Muhammad has, we would all be safe from ridicule. Like Tim Burton here. Imagine it, Tim -- nobody could rip on you for all the rehashed movies you've made lately. There'd never be a TV show that pointed out you haven't had an original thought since "Beetlejuice." And you put Johnny Depp and the same crappy music in every film. And if you're that in love with Johnny Depp you should just have sex with him already. A TV show could never say that!

Gee, that'd be swell.

Well it can be a reality. Once we have Muhammad, we can take his power from him!

Cartman

Excuse me, [everyone turns to look at him] This is the home of Tom Cruise, right?

Hey, it's one of the kids from South Park that slandered me!

Cartman

I didn't come for myself. I'm just an escort for another celebrity who wants to get in on your lawsuit.

Who?

[pulls off her little cap] Allo! [the other celebrities smile at her]

Jennifer Lopez!

Yes, I am Jennifer Lopez! And I like tacos, and burritos.

You're gonna give Muhammad to gingers instead of us, just because they are threatening you with violence?!

Well yeah.

Oh, we could play that game too! You wanna see violence, you got it! [throws the phone down, destroying it] Goddamned stupid assholes! They wanna play rough?! Okay! Spielberg, go and get some automatic rifles! [walks up to a couch on which Oprah is seated and starts jumping up and down on it quite aggressively] We'll go in there and we're gonna take Muhammad by force! And we're gonna show 'em that-

Tom, Tom! We can't be seen getting violent!

Yeah, that would kill all our careers.

[still jumping on the couch] But the only way we're gonna get Muhammad now is by getting just as violent with South Park as the gingers!

Fine, then let's have her do it!

[stops jumping] Her who?

You know. [softly] Her.

[softly] Oh, right. Her.