Towelie quotes from South Park

Don't forget to bring a towel... you wanna get high?

If you go to a motel, be sure to bring your own towel.

Oh, man, I'm so high right now. I have no idea what's going on.

That's my last J, asshole!

[high] Well, I really hope I win 'cause... Wait, what is this again? Oh, man, I have no idea what's going on.

Vape on this, bitch!

Cartman

Towelie, you are the worst character ever.

I know.

Cartman

You just have no long-term memory because you get high all the time.

Don't preach to me, fatso!

Cartman

I can preach to you all I want, 'cause you're stupid!

YOU'RE stupid!

Cartman

Oh, yeah, well you're a towel!

YOU'RE a towel!

[rather clearly baked out of his skull, mixing Chang sauce at his new PF Chang's job] How spicy would you like your Chang sauce?

Can you just place our order, please?

OH, man, I have no idea what's going on.

Everything okay here?

Fine, except this towel has been mixing Chang sauce for fifteen minutes. He's clueless!

Don't call me shoeless! YOU'RE shoeless!

Yeah, well you're a towel.

You're a towel.

Alright, that's it! Get out of here! You're fired!

[points at customer] Yeah!

Not him, you!

Aw.

Because they're people and you're a towel.

You're a towel!

No, I'm a big book publisher who's not the least bit interested in your stony memoirs. You're a towel.

Stupid government! How can they sit there and look a child in the face and say it's fine for people to grow their own weed?!

Oh, why does it matter?

Why does it-- Ugh. Am I the only person here who understands what this will do to us?!

Stan

Yeah, but Dad, you're gonna piss off everybody in South Park.

You know what? Fuck South Park!

Fuck South Park.

Yeah, I'm sick it! I'm just- I'm done! I don't give two shits about South Park! All that matters is Tegridy Farms now!

I don't know if you wanna say "Fuck South Park."

[enters the room; upset] Hey Randy, did you go make a deal with another weed company?

Yes, Towelie. I'm working on a merger with Med Men.

Med Men? But, those guys are posers.

We have a deal in the works to help each other put a stop to home-growers once and for all.

Jesus. You know, I knew a guy who thought weed should be for everybody. A guy who believed in integrity. I don't understand who you even are anymore.

That's because I'm the president of the company, and YOU are a TOWEL!

YOU'RE a towel!

What is wrong with trying to protect our business?

[walks towards the front door; stops and turns around] Because weed isn't supposed to be some money-grubbin' business model! It's a gift from God! And not something to exploited by some stupid towel! [opens the door and steps out]

I AM NOT A TOWEL!!

Yeah. Yeah, sure thing, Randy. You are not a towel.

Gerald, thanks for coming! You're not gonna believe this!

Believe what? Your text said that-

Come on come on come on! [pulls him into the kitchen with two burgers sitting on the table] I think I've perfected it, Gerald. I made a sustainable, healthy alternative to meat.want you to try it. [hands Gerald a burger]

It's a hamburger?

It's a Tegridy burger. Go ahead, try it. [Gerald takes a bite and chews it] Well?

This tastes like shit.

Yeah. It's plant-based. But keep eating it, though.

[through the chewing] I just- I just don't think it's very good.

Wait for it. Wait for it..

Oh. [starts to giggle, then Randy joins in]

Yeah ha ha?

Yeah, it's good.

Yeah, right?

[takes another bite and chews on it] Whoa. It's really fucking good, man! This is like the best burger I've ever had!

And you can eat a lot of them and not feel bloated. Towelie's had like 12.

[reclining against a cabinet eating a burger] Best burgers I ever had.

[angrily knocks on the door and Randy answers] What the hell are you doing?

Taking shit tons of Tegridy orders. Sales are going nuts right now.

No, why is my face on a billboard?!

Because we work together?

You said you just needed someone to help with accounting!

Yes, but then, you got promoted! I was gonna surprise you. Don't you see how lucrative this can be? I mean, we make a pretty damn good team in the weed business. I mean, we are Ben and Jerry– We're Ben and Jerry. You're Jerry, and I'm Ben.

I thought I was Jerry.

No, you're a towel.

Oh, that's even better.

I told you before that I'm not interested in the marijuana business. I don't believe in drinking or doing drugs.

Doing dru… Do you remember when Bilbo first set out with the dwarves to fight Smaug? What's the first thing they all did? They partied their asses off. [sings] ♫ Chip the glasses, click the plates / That's what Bilbo Baggins hates ♫ And then they certainly had an adventure together, didn't they? Filled with… [pulls out a wad of cash and puts it in Steve's pocket] Lucrative treasure.

You really think we could make a lot of money together?

Ben and Jerry, my man. Ben and fucking Jerry.