Rick quotes from South Park

Counselor Rick

Hello, camper! My name is Rick. How are you doing?

Cartman

Well, I'm pissed off, Rick! How are you?

Alright boys, prepare yourselves. We're about to enter French Canada.

Kyle

French Canada?

[singing] There's no Canada like French Canada, its the best Canada in the land! The other Canada is hardly Canada; if you lived here for a day, you'd understand!

Oh, ha ha! Welcome to French Canada!

We have everything your heart could desire! Trapezes, trampolines, and lots and lots of cheese!

Would you like a mustache?

Just stay calm, boys. French Canadians are a little odd.

Stan

Uh, we're just passing through to see the new Prime Minister.

Well first, you must answer that phone. [miming a phone call] Ring ring, ring ring.

Kyle

We don't have time for this.

You cannot pass through French Canada unless you take that phone call! [miming a phone call] Ring ring, ring ring.

Kyle

[grudgingly playing along] Hello.

Hello! If you are going to see the new Prime Minister, then I want to go with you! He has passed a new law forbidding us French Canadians to drink wine!

How can the French not drink wine?! Travestie!

Kyle

Okay, you can come with us.

Ha ha, very good! Let us make haste!

[singing] There's no Canada like French Canada, its the best Canada in the land! And the other Canada--

--is a bull shoot Canada!

[singing] If you lived there for a day, you'd understand!

I think you'd understand. You understand.

Hey, what are you doing?!

Argh!

Oh no! It's Scott!

What are you two doing helping these Americans? Don't you know America thinks it owns Canada along with the rest of the world?!

You're a dick, Scott!

Kyle

Can we just get going please?

Yeah sure, there's just one problem.

Stan

What?

You folks are going the wrong way.

Stan

What?! But I thought there was only one road in Canada!

Yeah, and you all went the wrong direction on it.

Oh, that's right! Ottawa is that way!

Of course! Ottawa left, Newfoundland right!

It's okay, boys. The power is inside us to get to Ottawa! We can wish ourselves there!

Ah yes! Let's wish ourselves there!

Is it working?

Stan

What is that?

Cartman

It's Christmas. We officially missed it. It's Christmas day and...I'm in Canada.

Kyle

Well yeah, but I-I got my brother back!

Cartman

Yeah, you got your brother back, but I didn't get any presents! And what did I tell you, Kyle? [takes off his mittens] I told you if we didn't make it back in time for Christmas I was going to whoop your ass, didn't I? [takes off his coat, bunches it up, and throws it aside]

Kyle

Dude, come on.

Cartman

Well, now you're going to get it, motherfucker! That's right, you and me, right now; we're having it out! Let's go! Come on! Come on!

Cartman

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

Hey, come on boys! You can spend Christmas with us, Canada style!

Rick

Welcome to Burger King. Can I take your order?

Uh, hi, can I get, um, large onion rings... the big Coke Zero and, um... What's an Impossible Burger?

Rick

It's a plant-based burger, sir.

Plant-based? You mean, it's not like a cow?

Rick

No, sir. It's completely vegan, but it's engineered to replicate the taste and texture of beef.

Hoh. Okay, I'll try it. [hands his debit card to Rick as he turns it through and hands it back to him, hands him the receipt and the burger; takes a bite of it] Hey. This tastes like shit. You guys make money off of this?

Rick

They're very popular, sir. A lot of people care about the environment and sustainability.

Aw that, that's amazing. I mean, this seriously tastes like dog shit, and you get people to buy it? [gets an idea] Wait a minute... Plant-based... Plant... basd... Plant-based. Oh my God.

I'm standing now with Randy Marsh, the owner of Tegridy Burger, and Mr. Marsh, you must be pretty excited. [the crowd behind him across the street begins to cheer him on, and he looks over his shoulder at it]

Yeah-ha, you know, we're all just... we're all just bein' healthy and ethical out here.

Uh-huh. And Mr. Marsh, what about the STUDENT PROTEST COMING OUT AGAINST YOUR BURGER RIGHT NOW?!?

Huh?

Students are coming forward saying that Tegridy Farms is unethical and hypocritical!

Rick

[shows up dressed as a college student in a blond wig] That's right! Tegridy Burger is a fraud! We caught their farm on camera, just take a look!

We warn you, the following footage is graphic. [footage is now showing Randy and Towelie's cow-killing massacre, and after it ends, the crowd behind Randy starts booing at him] Mr. Marsh, what do you have to say about these images?

[being pelted by burgers from the crowd] Ohhh, hey. Fuck you! Oh they were- They were just- We didn't eat 'em.

Ugh. Ugh, God, I can't take it, Rick!

Rick

What's the matter?

Oh, it's just grading these stupid papers all the time! I have to read 'em all and comment on each one of them. Jesus Christ. Something's changed, and now a few of the kids are writing these really long, detailed essays. I don't know what's going on. I guess I've just taught them really well, maybe a bit too well.

[pounding on the door of Mr. Garrison's house as he and the angry mob show up] Come on out, you piece of shit! We're un-electing you! [kicks the door down and he and the mob enter, and find Mr. Garrison and Rick sitting on the sofa in the living room, watching White Lotus on the TV]

Rick

Excuse me, do you mind?

What the hell do you think you're doing, Garrison?!

I'm not doing anything.

Oh, so you haven't been looting the country and ruling by fear like some middle-eastern tinpot dictator?!

No, I've been sitting here watching White Lotus with Rick.

But you got re-elected.