[with a bouquet of flowers] I can't. I have to wait for Rebecca to show up.
Oh, brother! [shows his displeasure to the others]
Don't you "Oh, brother" me! She's the woman of my dreams!
Stan You suck now, Kyle! [walks away with the other boys]
Principal Victoria [on stage] Boys and girls, can I have your attention, please? This year we have a very special guest performing the South Park Elementary Bay Of Pigs Memorial Dance. He was a musical force in the '70's and '80's. Please welcome Ronnie James Dio! [walks off as the curtains part. Dio appears with his band. The kids look back and say nothing]
DDio
Are you ready to rock, boys and girls?! [silence] I said, are you ready to rock?!
Butters Uh, uuh, sure uh, I guess.
DDio
Then let's hit it! [the band begins to play] I know you all remember this one. It's off my first solo album. The song that you all helped me make number 1. Holy Diver, you've been down too long in the midnight sea. Oh, what's-
["-becoming of me?"] Hey, there he is! There's the home-schooled kid! [Mark enters and stands next to Kyle] Come on! Let's go duct-tape him to the flagpole! ["Ride the tiger."]
Hey, isn't that the home-schooled kid's sister? ["You can see his stripes but you know he's clean."]
RRebecca
[dressed as a slut] Hi, guys. ["Oh, don't you see what I mean?" She walks up to Butters, kisses him, and walks away]
Woo-oh Holy Cow! [Kyle and Mark are quite surprised. "Gotta get away."]
RRebecca
[walks over to Tolkien] He-ey, baby. Come s-see me later, 'kay? [grabs his ass and walks off]
TolkienWhat the-? Damn, baby. [rubs his ass. Red looks angrily at Rebecca. Kyle is shocked, and Mark has left]
RRebecca
[walks over to Kyle] Hey, Kyle. Wanna go make out?
MMark
[returns] Rebecca, what the devil are you doing? [Pip walks by]
RRebecca
I'm... having... fun, Mark. [reels Pip back and kisses him]
Oh, my goodness! [hurries off]
MMark
You're out of control. [turns to Kyle] You did this to my sister!
Uh. All I did was show her how to-
MMark
You made my sister into a slut! I'll kill you! [leaps at him and slaps him around. The kids gather around to watch the fight, and Dio plays on. Mark throws Kyle into the air]
[landing on his back] Aaaah!
MMark
[pounces on again] You bitch! I'm gonna whip your bitch ass! [slaps him around some more]
Craig Oh my God!
Dude, he's kicking the crap out of Kyle!
Yeah. He's a badass! [smiles]
[entering] Alright, alright, that's enough, boys. [takes Kyle with him]
MMark
...I'm not through with you, bitch! [Stan walks up]
Hey, you're pretty cool, Mark. [Butters walks up]
Yeah, tha-that was real badass how you stood up for your sister. Uh-uh-I'd have kicked Kyle's bitch ass, too.
Do you wanna go have some cake with me, Mark? [Craig walks up]
[grabbing Mark's right hand] No! He's my friend!
[grabbing Mark's left hand] Eh, he said he'd hang out with me!
[approaching Tolkien, while playing football with Butters] Uh, hey, Token.
Tolkien
Oh, hey, Stan.
Uh, listen, I uh… How you doin'?
Tolkien
Fine.
Um… You think your family would wanna come over for dinner? Out at our farm?
Tolkien
It's kinda far, isn't it?
Yeah, but… Look, Token, I think maybe you and I should hang out more.
Tolkien
What are you talking about?
I mean, we never just hang out, you and me.
Hey, we never hang out just you and me either, Stan!
Shut up, Butters! Look, just will you please just see if your family will come over for dinner? It would mean a lot.
[Nighttime at Tegridy Farms; The Black family are sitting at the table with the Marshes as Randy sets up dinner]
Ok, there we go. This is a farm fresh hemp salad sourced locally here at Tegridy! All right, come on everybody, dig in.
[pleased] Thank you so much for having us over. This is really nice.
We've never been to a marijuana farm before.
Well, you know, with our boys starting to become so close, we thought we better get the families together! If they're friends, then we need to be friends! [pulls out his phone] Do you mind if I post this? Check out our friends!
Randy… I hope you didn't invite us here because we're black.
W-what are you talking about?
It's just that the past year or so a lot of people have been inviting us over to dinner and then taking pictures of us to show everyone on Instagram.
Oh, that's so lame. No, we really just wanted to get to know you guys better since Stan is friends with Token. You know… just out of curiosity– why did you guys name him that?
Well– I mean, it's just kind of an odd name, isn't it? Like, some people might think you guys naming your son that isn't very cool.
People have a problem with Tolkien's name?
Well, I mean other people just think it's a little… I mean, come on, I mean, I'm– I'm not calling you guys racist, but– why did you name your son that?
My husband has always been a huge fan of Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit.
I wanted to name my son after my favorite author. But she didn't want to name our son J.R.R., so we just named him Tolkien.
[shocked] His name is Tolkien?
Yes, you know his name is Tolkien.
[to Tolkien] I thought your name was "Token".
Tolkien
My name is "Tolkien".
Sorry, I don't think it's that weird. J.R.R. Tolkien is one of the most prolific, influential writers of our time.
Holy shit, that's what his name means?
What did you think his name meant?
Would you like to see how we grow and process our weed?
[answers his phone while playing computer games on his computer] Hey, Stan.
Dude… my head is reeling, you're not gonna believe this.
Token's name isn't Token. It's Tolkien.
Yeah, I know it's Tolkien.
No, no, no, no. He's named after the guy who wrote The Hobbit and stuff!
Yeah, I know. J.R.R. Tolkien. What did you think it was?
[horrified] You knew it was Tolkien like the writer.
Everyone knew it was Tolkien.
No, no, no! No, no, no, no! I distinctly remember Cartman wearing a shirt where he spelled it T-O-K-E-N.
Yeah, dude, 'cause Cartman's a fucking moron.
Wha-- hold on a second! [calls Cartman's number]
[answers his phone while eating chips and watching TV] What's up, dawg?
Dude, Cartman, did you know that Tolkien is named after J.R.R. Tolkien?
Well, yeah, I just figured.
Then why did you spell it "Token" without the "L" or the "I"?!
J.R.R. Tolkien has an "L" in it? That's gay. Who did you think Tolkien was named after?
Tolkien
[from outside the bathroom] Stan? You out here?
Uh, yeah, hang on a second Tolk-kien, just taking a shit.
Tolkien
Oh, okay, sorry.
Okay, wait, wait, cut. Hang on. Let's try it again. I think you forgot the words.
Tolkien
Yeah, sorry. I'm just tired. I didn't get the best sleep last night. Maybe I should do the mom part.
Nah, you do the kid part, it's funnier.
Tolkien
Okay, yeah. I guess you call the shots.
What's that supposed to mean?
Tolkien
Just means you're in charge.
Oh, I'm in charge. Like I control things? Huh, are you gonna start saying I run Hollywood now too?
Tolkien
I didn't say I run Hollywood. And honestly, I'm getting kind of sick of hearing it.
You're sick of hearing it?
Tolkien
Yeah, I'm sick of hearing it.
[as Cartman watches them argue from behind the bushes, smiling] Oh, my God, are you listening to yourself? You of all people should have some compassion.
Tolkien
Oh, really? Why me of all people, Kyle?
You seriously don't know why? You know that Jews have stood alongside Blacks since the Civil Rights movement began, right?
Tolkien
What does that have to do with anything?
I'm just saying I thought you'd be a better friend. 'Cause you're like…
Tolkien
'Cause I'm like what? Black?
Oh my God, this is so awesome.
Whatever, Tolkien. Now you're gonna act like I somehow did something wrong to you.
Tolkien
No, you didn't do it to me. It just seems to work out that way all the time for you people.
You people?! No, it works that way for you people!
Tolkien
You know what?! I don't wanna make TikToks with you anymore!
I don't wanna make TikToks with you anymore!
Tolkien
Good!
[They both angrily go their separate ways]
South Park · 1,569 quotes
