A character in South Park
In 14 of the 1,569 quotes from South Park
Most scenes with: Kyle Broflovski (5), Stan Marsh (4), Eric Cartman (2)
[Jesus hands up, is talking to two Iraqis]
Yea, look upon me and know me. My children, you should know something. [a knife comes out of his sleeve] I'm packing!
[Jesus stabs one Iraqi with the knife with one hand and kills the other with a silenced handgun]
Poo pants.
What?
Poo pants.
Poo pants?
I pooped my pants.
Y-you pooped your pants?
I pooped my pants.
Oh. Uh, nurse? Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants.
Again? Now Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?
[taken aback] That's God?
Yea, it's my Father, the Creator. He is the Alpha and the Omega.
[A snake's tongue lashes out from God's mouth]
The Beginning and the End.
Well, yeah, but that?
What did you expect me to look like, my son?
[thinks for a moment] Well not like that!
[In a Vatican Holding Cell]
We have no choice, Kyle, You're going to have to kill me.
What?!
Stab me with this. [shows Kyle the nail file] If I die, I can resurrect outside the bars.
No way! Do it yourself.
Suicide is blasphemy. There's no choice here, Kyle.
Dude, you don't understand. I'm a Jew. I have a few hang-ups about killing Jesus.
Just make it quick, through the neck. I'll rise again immediately.
Don't make me do this.
My son, there is no time. Do it.
Eric Cartman can never know about this.
I understand. And Kyle...Happy Easter.
Happy Easter, Jesus. [stabs Jesus in neck]
[Jesus makes dying noises and runs around cell bleeding to death]
Jesus?
I'll get you, Tom Cruise! [hops on him and wrestles him]
Hey look! Tom Cruise has Seaman on his back.
[everyone stops and gasps. The "CENSORED" bar disappears and Tom is shown again]
What did you say?!
Oh yeah. Tom Cruise does have Seaman on his back.
I guess maybe Tom Cruise likes Seaman.
[everyone chuckles.]
[straightens up] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [Sea-Man gets off his back] You're not supposed to be able to make fun of me anymore! What the hell's going on?!
[on the rafters with a jet pack on his back] I'll be back, Super Best Friends! [tales off through an open door on the roof.]
Who's the creepy ginger kid?
Reiner, you said the goo machine would work! But I got made fun of!
That's because there is no goo, Mr. Cruise. You see, I learned something today. Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things that we weren't allowed to show, but it wasn't because of some magic goo. It was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence. That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorizing people works.
That's right. Don't you see, gingers, if you don't want to be made fun of anymore, all you need are guns and bombs to get people to stop.
That's right, friends. All you need to do is instill fear and be willing to hurt people and you can get whatever you want. The only true power is violence.
I didn't wanna come back and be in the school, but I had to because it was part of a lawsuit and the agreement with Paramount.
The president's suing you?
The guy can do whatever he wants now that someone backed down, OK? Eat the bread. Eat the bread. You guys saw what happened to CBS? Yeah, well, guess who owns CBS? Paramount! Do you really wanna end up like Colbert? You guys gotta stop being stupid.
We can't understand you.
Just shut up or we're going to get cancelled, you idiots!
[to Kyle & Stan; muffled] What the hell is he saying?
Tom, they're calling it the Sermon on the Mount. Hundreds of South Park faithful are flocking to the area where Jesus Christ continues to speak his words of wisdom.
If someone has the power of the Presidency and also has the power to sue and take bribes, then he can do anything to anyone! It's the fucking President, dude! All of you shut the fuck up, or South Park is over! It's fucking over! Just stop and shut the fuck up!
[intervening Betsy and Nelly's fight] Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, break it up, break it up! [pushes them away from each other]
She's rubbing everyone's noses in her Labubus!
Both of you to the counselor's office, NOW!
[Cut to the girls in the counselor's office]
She totally started it!
Oh, my God, shut up, I did not!
[points to Nelly] She came up to me at my locker with her Labubu and started talking shit!
[points back at Betsy] You talk shit about my Labubus everyday, whore!
[breathes in; perplexed] Yeah, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you.
Tell her to stop saying my Labubus are knock offs!
I'm sorry, what is a Labubu?
It's a little monster accessory.
They come in blind boxes so you never know which one you're gonna get.
Like, you could just luck out and get a Time To Chill Out Pajama Gold Labubu.
[uplifting] Oh my god, that one's so cute!
It's so cute, right?
Uh, all right, ladies, why don't you just, give me the dolls until the end of the school day?
That's not fair!
[takes their Labubus] Go on out to recess, and you can pick up your Labubus after school.
[Nelly and Betsy hop down from the seats and head to the door, leaving the office]
Wow. What kind of counseling was that?
I don't know. Jesus sucks, dude.
The older counselor was so much better.
Well, I hope you guys learned a valuable lesson. If you mess around and you aren't safe, it can have really big consequences.
Yeah, I'm not having sex for a long time.
And I'm done with Labubus.
Well, that's good, because as your counselor, I'm banning Labubus from school. And TikTok. And cell phones. Now get back to class. You both have detention for two weeks.
Oh, man!
[Red and Butters leave the office, talking to each other]
Wow, new counselor's kind of a dick.
Yeah, but he's better than the last guy.
I don't know, guys, I'm like 60% sure that was a fսcking dude.
Nah, I'm definitely betting it's a chick. What are the odds at?
[takes out his phone] Looks like about 40 kids betting now, 55% saying the Webelo is a dude.
So I'd only win, like, five bucks on a $2 bet? [also takes out his phone]
What are you guys talking about?
Prediction market app, dude. You know, online peer-to-peer betting.
Yeah, it's social platform betting. People can make any bet they want, and then other users take them up on it.
Really?
Yeah, it's pretty sweet, dude. People bet on anything, even stuff here at the school. See? Will the girls' soccer team win on Friday? Will there be a snow day this month? Will Kyle's mom strike Gaza and destroy a Palestinian hospital? Will school lunch have tater tots next week?
Wait, what was that?!
Will school lunch have tater tots next week?
No, the one about my mom!
Oh. Uh... Will Kyle's mom strike Gaza and destroy a Palestinian hospital?
Why the hell would my mom destroy a Palestinian hospital?!
'Cause she's a Jew?
[to Stan and Cartman as he approaches them] Boys, put 'em away. You know the rules... no cell phones during school time.
[put their phones away] Sorry, Jesus.
[blows his whistle and walks away] No phones, guys!
[Stan and Cartman take out their phones again]
Take that bet down right now, fatass!
I didn't put it up, Kyle. I'm not even betting on it. It's 9:1 odds your mom won't do it, those are terrible odds.
This is such bullshit! I'm gonna find out who started this and I'm gonna fսcking rip 'em a new asshоlе! [storms off]
Man, you just bring up Gaza to a Jew and they flip out. Maybe these are pretty good odds.
[to all the students; enraged] What is wrong with you people?! Do you even know what Gaza is?! You seriously just care about making a couple bucks?! You know what my mom would do if she found out this?! SHE WOULD ABSOLUTELY LOSE HER SHIT! There's been a conflict in Israel for thousands of years, and Jews and Palestinians are not football teams that you bet on!
Guys, phones (away).
Sorry, Jesus.
[scrolling through the market app on her phone, as well as Red, and sees the bet of Sheila bombing Gaza officially removed] What the hell?
They took it down! We were all gonna win, and they took down our bets!
How can the app company do that?
I got in at nine-to-one odds! This is b-b-bullshit!
Yeah, these apps are totally corrupt.
[blowing his whistle as he appears] Guys! For the love of God!
[The students all put away their phones; Kyle and Cartman are then seen sitting on the steps]
Well, Cartman, I just wanna say thanks. You know, it's crazy, but nobody else here gave a crap about how I was feeling except for you.
Oh, that's all right, Kyle. I'm just happy the bet got taken down. Now none of these sickos can profit off of what your mom does.
Yeah, well, those people would have all lost the bet anyway.
What do you mean they would have all lost the bet?
Well, I know the reason my mom went Israel.
It wasn't to bomb a Palestinian hospital?
No, when my mom left the house, she said she was gonna find the person responsible for all this and give them a piece of her mind.
[entering PC Principal's office] PC Principal, do you have a minute?
Sure, Jesus, what do you need?
I'm starting to wonder if I really fit in here.
Of course you fit in. This school has been a zest-pool of heathen, left-wing little bitches, and only our faith is gonna set them right.
Could I ask… exactly what branch of Christianity are you?
The kind who loves his country and doesn't tolerate any fucking fags.
Yeah, see, I really think I don't belong here.
Look, I understand it's a tough transition. You know, the Vice Principal here had the same conflict as you. But she's really come around.
The Vice Principal? Your wife?
That's right. [talks to the speaker on his desk] Could you send in Strong Christian Woman please? She was saying the same thing that this wasn’t a place for her anymore but just this last weekend she converted to Christianity.
[knocks on the door] You wanted to see me?
Yeah, Strong Christian Woman, I was just telling Jesus about our faith.
Oh, yes, it's been such a blessing.
She converted on Saturday. What do you think, huh? You ever seen a more Christian chick in your fucking life?
N-n-never.
Look, I know it's a hard adjustment, but just stick with it, and you're gonna fit in here just fine, Jesus.
[off-screen] The past few months have just been... really awful. There were these ICE raids and my dad's company went out of business. Then we lost our house and had to move into the old folks home with my grandpa. [cut to him in the counselor's office] It's like everything keeps changing and I really don't know how to cope with it.
[tuning an electric guitar; disinterested] Uh-huh. And how exactly do you feel like shit has changed, bro?
Well, Jesus, it just seems like people aren't really as kind and giving as they used to be, you know? Like, I just got some money from Saudi Arabia and I'm thinking of sharing it. 'Cause I feel like that's what everyone needs right now. Like, a big Christmas miracle?
Sounds like some socialist bullshit to me, bro.
Jesus, I don't wanna live in an old folks home anymore, okay?! Now, I don't know what's made you change like this, but we need some god damn Christmas magic!
[giving out Christmas letters to all the elders] Christmas letters from home. Here you go. Some Christmas joy from your loved ones. There you go. [approaches Stan] Hey, there's one for you today. [gives him a letter]
[Stan sees that his letter is from Jesus, opens the envelope, and reads it]
[voice-over] "Dear Stan, I'm writing this because I owe you an apology and a thank you. You asked for a Christmas miracle, and I didn't listen. So now, go to this address."
No way! [exits the retirement home and walks down the streets; he arrives at his old residence being decorated with Christmas lights saying: "Merry Christmas Stan", and notices the letter came with a key; runs into the house, seeing the old interior and his old bedroom, smiling with joy; then exits the house and gazes up at the night sky] Thank you. Thank you!
[in a constellation appearance] I'll be here Stan, watching over everybody. Be good, and remember, never give up on the things that you commit to.
[in a constellation appearance] He's so great, isn't he? Merry Christmas everyone! Let's all have the happiest holidays! [singing] A Christian woman knows her place So go ahead and punch me in the face! 'Cause I deserve it, I was wrong! That's why I wrote this holiday song With my big fake tits And my Botox lips Saying Merry Christmas, Jesus Christ Come on, seniors, sing along~
Eric CartmanTrey Parker · 536 quotes
Stan MarshTrey Parker · 383 quotes
Kyle BroflovskiMatt Stone · 344 quotes
RMRandy Marsh187 quotes
Butters StotchMatt Stone · 135 quotes
GMr. Garrison76 quotes
SMSharon Marsh63 quotes
SSStephen Stotch60 quotes
Kenny McCormickMatt Stone · 47 quotes
MMr. Mackey42 quotes
GBGerald Broflovski38 quotes
SheilaMona Marshall · 35 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
South Park · 1,569 quotes
