Townsman quotes from South Park

[shaking Gerald, violently] YOUR INTERNET'S NOT WORKING, GERALD! FACE IT!

Kyle

I have to get online before school.

Stan

What about Starbucks? They have free Internet.

Right, Starbucks!

Everyone, get your stuff. We can take my car.

Hey, is your guys' Internet working?

No! Nobody's is!

[exiting his house, holding up his laptop] WHAT'S HAPPENING?!

Jesus, everyone's gotta go to Starbucks now!

Everyone, in the car. We have to beat them there!

[filming] Here's Sharon and Shelley on the roof of Best Buy. We… We ran up here to get off the streets. We found the Stotch family hiding up here also. [pans the camera to the Stotches] There's Chris and Linda, and their son, Butters.

Butters

[waves to the camera] Hello. [chuckles]

What is that? Chris, what is that?

Oh, that's a--that's a new sound.

[points to something up in the sky] Oh, God, look!

Those aren't guinea pigs!

Get off the roof!

[following them as they get off the roof and run down the stairs] Go! Go, go, go, go, go! Oh, God. Going down the stairs now. Okay, getting down the stairs!

And we are now getting word of giant bees. The giant bees have been seen in the U.S. and Europe.

Get away! There's bees everywhere! There's another one right there!

[pans the camera to a giant guinea bee] OH, MY GOD!!!

[on the ground, with a stinger stabbed in his chest] It stung me! IT STUNG ME!

You did everything you could, Mr. Marsh. If your wife can't realize the truth and appreciate you, maybe she never will.

Realize what?! What have you been telling everybody, Randy?!

Randy was just trying to make you feel loved while you're going through menopause.

Menopause?! I'm not going through fucking menopause!

How do you know?

I just got my period this morning!

You... you got your period?

YES!

You just got your period this morning?

YES!

So, the past few days, maybe you have been just a little-

NO! NO NOTHING! Don't you guys see what's happened here?! I want you to be angry! Every day we hear about another school shooting! It used to be a big deal! I want it to be a big deal again. I mean Harriet, you came to my house and said there was a school shooting to trick me into going with you!

I was just trying to be a part of the big surprise, Sharon.

That's what I'm talking about! That's crazy, Harriet! I want you all to be shocked! I want you all to be sad!

You want everyone to be sad?

Well. Sharon, if you wanted to make me sad, congratulations. [voice cracks a little] You did a great job. [sadly walks away]

Yeah, let's go somewhere without so much negativity.

I didn't wanna come back and be in the school, but I had to because it was part of a lawsuit and the agreement with Paramount.

The president's suing you?

The guy can do whatever he wants now that someone backed down, OK? Eat the bread. Eat the bread. You guys saw what happened to CBS? Yeah, well, guess who owns CBS? Paramount! Do you really wanna end up like Colbert? You guys gotta stop being stupid.

We can't understand you.

Just shut up or we're going to get cancelled, you idiots!

Kenny

[to Kyle & Stan; muffled] What the hell is he saying?

Tom, they're calling it the Sermon on the Mount. Hundreds of South Park faithful are flocking to the area where Jesus Christ continues to speak his words of wisdom.

If someone has the power of the Presidency and also has the power to sue and take bribes, then he can do anything to anyone! It's the fucking President, dude! All of you shut the fuck up, or South Park is over! It's fucking over! Just stop and shut the fuck up!