TV show quotes
I would never kill somebody. Unless they pissed me off.
Oh, is that a fact? Well, let me tell ya something, Porky. Your mom was over here earlier, and I humped her like a little bitch!
Cartman (shocked): What?
That's right!
Grampa!
And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton, and had my way with her too.
Hey!
Choice piece of it, your great-grandma.
You piece of crap! I'll kill you!
That's the spirit, Tubby!
[Cartman punches Kyle in the shoulder]
Ow! What the hell was that for?!
That's for your stupid mother! She made me miss Terrance & Phillip last night!
Yeah, what's the big idea having your mom call our moms last night?
Well, I didn't have her do it. She did it on her own.
Why does this happen every month? It seems like, right around the same time every month, Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something, and I always end up getting screwed by it!
Children! Children! A certain student's mother called me last night.
[Tauntingly.] Oh, gee, I wonder whose mother that could have been?
She informed me that some of you might be watching a naughty show called Terrance & Phillip.
Yeah! Woo-hoo!
Watching that show is bad, Mr. Garrison.
That's right, Mr. Hat. Shows like Terrance & Phillip are what we call 'toilet humor'. They don't expand your minds.
[silence]
You see, children, these kind of shows are senseless, vile trash.
[Kenny walks in]
Kenny, why are you late to class?
[Kenny hands Mr. Garrison a note. The note reads 'Please excuse me from being late, I have a case of explosive diarrhea, signed-K']
Oh, okay Kenny, be seated. [addressing the class] Now, as I was saying, the reason that parents of South Park are so upset is because...
[Kenny is waving his hand frantically]
Yes Kenny, what is it?
(I have to go pee.)
I thought you just came from the bathroom.
(I did, I gotta go again...)
Okay okay, go ahead.
[Kenny goes in the restroom]
Now, where was I. Oh, yeah. As I was saying, you all seem to enjoy this show, even though it isn't based in reality. There's much more to life than 2 young men farting on each other. And throughout history there have always been shows that have come and gone that have been very bad, and usually they get taken right off the air. You see, you should be spending your time enlightening your minds with more intelligent entertainment.
[throughout the lecture, sounds of some serious diarrhea come from the bathroom. The sounds get progressively worse as Kenny reenters the classroom at the end of the lecture]
Whoa, smells like you slaughtered a cow in there, Kenny!
Pay attention, children!
Aw man, I feel like a total choad.
Aw, come on, Stan. Maybe that's because you look like a total choad.
Hello there, Children!
Hey, Chef!
[after looking at Cartman who's dressed like a Klansman] Aah!
Whoa, Chef's really scared of ghosts, huh?
You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
Actually-
Well, I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese mafia.
Not a thingy-dingy.
[Kyle saws the zombified Kenny in half]
Oh my God! I killed Kenny! [to himself] YOU BASTARD!
Hey, Cartman? How come the birthday invitation you gave me says "Green Mega Man"?
Yeah. Mine says "Red Mega Man".
Right. That's what you're supposed to get for my birthday.
Dude, you're not supposed to tell people what to get you for your birthday.
Yeah, that's weak!
Look, it's very simple, guys. Green Mega Man goes with Red Mega Man and Yellow Mega Man to make the Ultra-Mega Mega Man. You have to have all three, or it doesn't work, see?
Up yours, Cartman. I'll get you whatever the hell I want!
[Stan crumples up the invitation and throws it away.]
Oooh! So maybe you don't want to have any of my mom's cake, pie, and ice cream, then.
Oh, "Gre-green Mega Man" it is.
Man, recess sucks without any slides or nothing.
(Damien approaches) Oh, here comes the unholy butthole now. Hey! Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch!
I apologize for ruining your playground and turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus. I was doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice.
[Cartman farts beside him.]
Oh! Excuse me, new kid! I didn't mean to fart on you - I didn't have a choice!
[Damien looks angry enough to burst a blood vessel, but he does nothing.]
Phew! You stink, new kid! You smell like a fart!
Yeah, we're gonna call you Fart-boy from now on.
[Damien walks away from them.]
Bye bye, Fart-boy!
See you!
Good day, how are you, Damien?
Those guys farted on me, and then called me...
Fart-boy? Oh, good! Perhaps they won't call me that anymore.
[Cartman opens his birthday presents]
Oh, look what Kyle got me. It's a Red Mega- [Opens the gift revealing a game called "Ants in the Pants"] Ants in the Pants? Ants in the P- ANTS IN THE PANTS?!
It's a game, dude. It's really fun.
You son of a bitch! [Tackles Kyle] You were supposed to get me the Red Mega Man! Now I can't make Ultra-Mega Mega Man! You dirty cheap-ass piece of crap!
They were all out of them, dude!
I HATE YOU! I WANT YOU TO DIE! DIEEEE! That's it! Party is over! Everybody go home!
[Cartman walks over to a large switch and flips it, literally shutting the party down. Everyone begins to clear out.]
GET THE HELL OUT, I SAID! AND PARTY'S OVER! GET OUT, GODDAMMIT!
Whoa, dude, you need to mellow out.
Take your stupid Ants in the Pants with you! [Throws Ants in the Pants at Kyle]
[A moment later, after everyone has left the party]
Wow, that kid has some real emotional problems.
Ah, he does this all the time.
Mr. Garrison, why do poor people smell like sour milk?
I don't know, Eric, they just do.
[Kyle sniffs Kenny in disgust]
You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people, but they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials but people on TV are as real as you or I.
That means that MacGyver is a real person, too!
Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?
How about the dreidel song, boobie?
I can sing the Mr. Hankey song.
The Mr. Hankey song, how does that go?
[singing] Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, he loves me, and I love...
Christmas poo?
What the hell is Christmas poo?!
Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, haven't you guys ever heard of it?
Kyle, that is enough!
See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a Pagan.
Now that does it! I am going straight to the Mayor about you, Mr. Garrison!
Oh, wait, wait, I'm sorry, was it the Pagan remark?
The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with Jesus or Santa Claus.
Thanks to Kyle's mother.
Shut up, Cartman!
So does anybody know any non-Santa or non-Jesus, Christmas songs?
[Cartman raises his hand]
Yes, Eric?
How about we sing Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch in D minor?
I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
I feel kinda nauseous.
Yes, that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage, all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart. [makes disgusting noises of bone and blood]
Arrgh!
By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact?
[throws up] Stop! That movie was terrible!
I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest and I'll check on you a little later.
Sat through that entire movie to see the alien, and it was her goddamn father!
Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?
Of course, Wendy.
I couldn't help but notice you've taken a liking to my boyfriend, Stan.
Well, I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young, and cute, and full of life...
Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?
Of course, Wendy.
Don't fuck with me!
What?!
You heard me! Stay away from my man, Bitch, or I'll whoop your sorry ho-ass back to last year! [sweetly] Bye, Ms. Ellen!
The boys are waiting in line at the cafeteria
[to Stan] Dude, I aced that test! I'm gonna win that dinner with Ms. Ellen!
No, you're not; I don't think I missed any!
Wendy and Bebe walk up to the boys
Hi, Stan.
[not paying attention to Wendy] I bet I scored a hundred!
HI, STAN!
Oh, hey, Wendy.
I was just in the bathroom, and Ms. Ellen was in there taking the biggest dump I've ever seen!
No, she wasn't!
Yes, she was!
That's impossible!
Well, she did! And she has horrible, horrible gas, too! She says she can't control it!
Nuh-uh!
It smelled like a dead calf rotting in the hot sun!
Oh, cool!
Wendy, seriously, you need to stop with this whole jealousy thing.
Yeah, you're acting like a freak, Wendy.
NO I'M NOT ACTING LIKE A FREEEAAAAK!
The entire cafeteria goes silent and everyone is astonished. After a short while, a mortified Wendy quietly walks away with Bebe in tow.
Hey, man, somebody's gotta pull that monkey out of Wendy's ass.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
