South Park Season 14 quotes

Okay, kids, lets take our seats. There has been a change in school policy, and so I'm assigning you all a book to read.

Cartman

Aw, a book? God, I hate those.

Now kids, this book is very controversial, and has just been taken off the banned books list.

Cartman

Oh, really? Sweet.

It's called "Catcher in the Rye", and it has some very risque parts...

Stan

[excited] All right!

And strong vulgar language...

Kenny

[muffled] Awesome, dude!

And in fact many schools across the country still ban this book, because it's thought to be so inappropriate.

Cartman

[starts reading excitedly] Oh, man, I can't wait!

Tonight I want you to read chapters 1 through 5, and tomorrow we'll discuss the...

Cartman

No, no, come on let's read it now!

Kyle

Mr. Garrison, didn't the guy who shot John Lennon say it was because of this book?

[irritated] Yes, apparently John Lennon's killer said he was inspired by "Catcher in the Rye", but he was just a kook

Cartman

Whoa! You're telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate AND made a guy shoot the King of Hippies? Can we PLEASE read this, RIGHT NOW?

[angry] You will read it at home, and you will all be mature about it's adult themes and language!

Stan

[runs in, panicking] Guys, guys! We are totally fucked! The book is gone from my dresser drawer; my parents must have found it!

Cartman

So why are we all fucked? They'll think you wrote it all!

Stan

[angrily] Hey, I'm not taking the heat for this alone! We all wrote it; if I'm going down, someone has to go down with me!

Kyle

Well, if I'm going down, you're going down!

Cartman

And if I'm going down, you are definitely going down!

Stan

Well dude, SOMEBODY has got to go down.

Cartman

Butters, what the fuck do you think you're doing?

Butters

Just enjoying myself. Why, Eric?

Kyle

Butters, you know goddamn well you didn't write that book!

Butters

[a little angrily] But, you told me I did.

Stan

Yeah, but that's when we thought we were going to get in trouble, Million Dollar Abie.

Hey, hey, you leave Butters alone! He's a very fragile artist.

[fondly] He's so brooding and full of angst.

Butters

[smugly] Yeah, I'm brooding.

Cartman

Butters doesn't deserve any credit for Scrotie McBoogerballs! We deserve all the credit.

Oh, God, you guys are pathetic!

Yeah, get a life and stop mooching off Butters's success for once!

Stan

[frustrated] God damn it!

Kyle

Butters, do you really think it's fair to lie like this?! Let me tell you, if you don't have--!

Butters

[snaps] No! Let me tell you something, fellas!! You ALWAYS take advantage of me. And after reading Catcher in the Rye, I've learned you're nothing but phonies! [the boys look shocked at this sudden explosion] I'm not letting you trick me this time. So the four of you can just suck on my wiener. [Leaves]

Cartman

[After a pause; in a shocked voice] What an inconsiderate jerk!

[commenting on The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs] The book is full of disgusting words and acts, including Sarah Jessica Parker, who is mentioned 465 times. Matthew Broderick, are you upset your wife is made fun of so much in the book?

Well, obviously. I just think it's wrong to make fun of anybody's physical appearance. My wife is a beautiful woman, and I know that most people agree with me.

Uh-huh. And Matthew? How come a transvestite donkey witch is standing next to you, and why is it wearing a dress? [Parker simply blinks at the camera, but Broderick gets a stunned look on his face]

[After Butters' book influences a lunatic to murder the Kardashians] Our nation is still reeling from the tragic deaths of the Kardashians. The shooter claims he was driven to commit the slaughter immediately after reading "The Poop that took a Pee" by Leopold "Butters" Stotch. It's all over; the Kardashians wiped out in the blink of an eye, all because one little PRICK had to go and write a book! [Butters is at his desk with his face buried in his arms, The news report is airing on the TV in the background] Leopold Stotch… I hope they BURY you! YOU EVIL FUCK!

Cartman

Dude, people are pissed off at you, Butters.

Butters

I know.

Stan

They're saying they're gonna ban both your books now, completely. You're not making any more money!

Butters

[lifts his head up, crying] You think I care about that?! My writing got the most beautiful woman in the world killed! I loved her! And if she died it was because of me!

Kyle

Ah... Oh Butters, [steps forward] it'll be all right. Listen, we've all learned that people look for meaning in books. And sometimes, even if it isn't there, they'll try and invent their own meaning.

Stan

Yeah, dude, eh, that's why we all need to avoid books and stick to television.

Butters

Thang, thanks, fellas. I'll definitely never write again. I think I can get over this.

Cartman

That's good, Butters, because, we need to tell you something.

Butters

What?

Cartman

[sighs heavily] You were sleepwalking again, and dressed Sarah Jessica Parker up in a moose suit. You left her in the forest and she got shot by a hunter.

Butters

[shocked] What?! Oh no!

Cartman

Yep, sorry. You're gonna have to come down and admit it was you. [walks out of the room with the other boys]

Butters

Aw. Aw I got her killed too?? Aw uh, oh well, at least she was ugly. [leaves his desk and follows the other boys downstairs]

Oh, that is nice. That is NICE.

[running up] Randy! Jesus, Randy! Your balls!

I know. Smoking pot right in front of a cop. Pretty sweet, huh?

No! I mean your actual BALLS!

Do you want to do it?

Cartman

Do I want to do it? Does the pope help pedophiles get away with their crimes?

Excellent.

Cartman

Is that something I'd want to do? Is the Pope Catholic, and making the world safe for pedophiles?

Cartman

I told your mom you got an F on that social studies test.

You wouldn't do that.

Cartman

Does a bear crap in the woods? And does the pope crap on the broken lives and dreams of 200 deaf boys?

There's not going to be a next time, you fucking dumb cocksucker!

Cartman

Hey, take it easy, Colonel.

I told you a long time ago, you fucking little monkey, not to fuck me!

Kyle

Dude, screw this, I don't wanna see anymore!

Cartman

Kyle, this is the way the world works! You wanna find some quality friends, you have to wade through all the dicks first.

Butters

Hey, Stan! Isn't that Tom Cruise?

Stan

Huh? Oh, wow, it is. Hey, guys, check it out! Tom Cruise is a fudge packer!

What did you call me?

Eric Cartman

Hey, that is Tom Cruise! [snaps a picture of him]

Butters

How come you're packing fudge, Mr. Cruise?

I'm glad you asked, I'm not a fudge packer!

Stan

Dude, you don't have to be ashamed or anything.

But, I'm not a fudge packer! [packs a block of fudge into a box]

Stan

Then why are you packing fudge?

I'm not! I'm glad you asked, I'm a very busy actor! I'm just here trying to get away for a week and do some fly fishing! [pushes more fudge into boxes]

Stan

Dude, you are in a fudge factory packing fudge.

Oh, that does it! I will [slams his fist on the belt] SUE you!

Stan

For what?!

You can't just call somebody a fudge packer and get away with it!

[walks up with the students; notices Tom] Hey, is that fudge packer Tom Cruise?

[takes off and throws his hat on the ground] THAT'S IT! I'm suing this entire intolerant town! [starts leaving the factory]

Stan

But dude--

No buts! You wanna accuse somebody of being a fudge packer, you're gonna pay the consequences!

Guys, I wanna really thank you all for coming. Shockingly, I've just been slandered once again in the town of South Park, something I know you all can relate to.

That town just seems to be a hotbed of hatred and lies!

I'm fed up with it! That town suggested I was made of sh*t!

Yeah well I was just over there doing some fly-fishing, and this little boy walks up and calls me a fudge packer!

That is wrong! Hohhot, that is crazy!

I know, right? And then other kids in the town and their teacher started joining in.

[eating chocolate cake] South Park, Colorado, is the most insensitive racist and bigoted place in this country!

That town thinks they can say whatever they want about people and get away with it!

If anybody has a gripe against that sh*thole, it's me! [spits something into a tissue, then rubs that tissue into John Travolta's crotch]

Yeah, well I say enough. All of us together can put a stop to the slander coming from that town once and for all! No longer will they make snide remarks about whoever they want.

Yeah!!

Hey, Tom, I ate too much Subway. Where is your bathroom?

Oh just the door down the hall there, Jared. [Jared goes to the first door and opens it] No, no, that's a that's a closet. Go down more. [Jared moves on to the next door and opens that one] No, that's a closet too. [Jared moves on to the next door across the hall and opens that one] No, Jared, that one's a closet. [Jared moves on to the next door and opens that one] No. That's a cl- [Jared moves on to the next door and opens that one] closet. [Jared moves on to the next door and opens that one] No that's a that's a closet.