South Park · Season 6
[beats dead horse with baseball bat] I tell my girlfriend I have aides and she leaves! I tell the world to get aides and they think I'm crazy! I offered to give aides to kids and everyone wants me dead!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH AIDES?! WHY DOESN'T EVERYONE WANT ME TO GIVE THEM AIDES?
I can't lose weight, Butters, because I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!
Damn it, Butters! Keep eating, or else I'll kick your butt till you're deader than Kenny!
Dude, that isn't cool. You shouldn't joke about Kenny being dead. Enough time hasn't passed.
How long do we have to wait before we can joke about it?
22.3 years. That's how long it takes for something tragic to become funny.
Wugh, that's a long time to wait.
Butters! Are you having liposuction surgery? Tell me the truth!
Yes, sir.
This is unbelievable! How many times have we told you never to have self-performed liposuction surgery in our house?!
Four times, Mom.
Well, I guess that wasn't enough! You get up to your room right now, mister!
Yes, sir....
[Butters collapses down on the floor, near-death. Stephen and Linda feel disgusted for a beat]
Oh-ho, don't you give us that look, young man! You're going to get it!
I'm just checking in on you, Butters. Do I hear the Television? We told you no television while you're grounded!
[impersonating Butters] Oh, gee whiz, I'm not watching Television, Dad. I'm just laying around jacking it.
Jacking it? Jacking what?
[impersonating Butters] Well, my hot, spicy boner, of course, Dad.
What?! Are you trying to get yourself in more trouble with that kind of language?
[impersonating Butters] Aw, loosen up, you bloody vaginal belch.
Oh! You are gonna get it, mister! You just wait till I get home!
[impersonating Butters] Bring it on, queer-bait. [hangs up] Ah, yeah.
Butters, your father called and said you made him very upset.
[impersonating Butters] Yeah, well, uh, Dad's being a little pussy, Mom.
[shocking] Butters, where did you get that kind of smart mouth?
[impersonating Butters] Uh, not from you dumb-asses, that's for sure.
Oh! You just wait till I get home, mister!
[impersonating Butters] Uh, I'll be waiting with bells on, you old horse-bangin' skank.
Guys, I can't eat no more. I just keep on puking it up.
Then eat your puke!
No!
C'mon, Japanese girls do it!
[Cartman sets his chair and is seated at the front of Butters's house, before Chris and Linda rushed all the way to enter the door]
[inside] Hi, Mom and Dad!
DON'T YOU 'HI, MOM AND DAD' US, YOU LITTLE PUNK!!! (THUNK!!)
Ow. Dad? [Cartman sits in his chair eating popcorn and slurps his slushee]
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE TROUBLE YOU'RE IN, MISTER!! (BAHK!!)
Ah! What did I do? What did I do??
YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH NOW? ANSWER ME!!!
(BASH!!) Dahh..!!
Aw, man, if I was older, I would totally start jacking off right now.
[motioning to Butters's "Hitler"] Hey, little dude, you got some crap right here.
[unaware he does have feces on his face] Why that's my face, sir.
We're going to take it slow, take it easy, make sure everybody has a good time. 'Cause what is skiing about? Having a good... [puts his left hand to his ear, hoping for an answer. The boys just look at him] Time, that's right. Now, just a few safety things to keep in mind: First of all, look straight ahead when you ski. You look down, you're going to fall, you're going to have a bad time. Also, be aware of skiers around you. You run into another skier, your skis are going to cross, going to have a bad time.
If you French fry when you should have Pizza's, you're going to have a bad time...
What's your name, hot shot?
Stan. Marsh.
Stan Marsh? [laughs] Stan Darsh is more like it.
Hey, you guys, Butters is asleep.
He's such a douchebag.
Have you seen this trick? When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when you put their hand in it...
And then what?
...and then you pee on them!
[Cartman starts peeing on Butters]
No, dude! You're supposed to put their hand in warm water to make them pee!
Oh, really? Oh, well.
[Cartman continues peeing on Butters]
Stan, you can't let that Tad guy get to you, screw him, dude.
Dude, I have to...he's got Heather!
[silence]
You don't even know Heather!
I know, I know, but I have to do this. I'm not going to die, I mean how bad could the K-13 be?
[An old man walks into the shot]
The K-13? You don't want to go down that run. That run's got a history. Thirty-five people have died going down it and some say you can still see their ghosts up there. I was on that very ski run and then a group of students were killed by a wolf-boy who escaped from the mental institution. You see, that ski run was once a burial ground to a tribe of vampire Wichita Indians who ate the flesh of children with no eyes... Yap, lot of history on that ski run.
[silence]
Thank you.
Yap.
This is terrible, dude. Maury Povich parades these poor people around on his show like carnival freaks and then gives them prizes at the end as if to justify it. What a dick!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
