CChef
He's a doctor who specializes in your asshole, children.
You mean, at one point in this guy's life, he decided he wanted to work up people's butt holes?
CChef
That's right.
What a dick.
S7 E1Cancelled
[an alien satellite dish has fully expanded from within Cartman's ass]
Are you okay?
Dude.... You know that feeling when you take a huge dump? Awesome.
CChef
Well, doctor?
PProctologist
I've never quite seen this before. Perhaps he just needs some hemorrhoid cream....
[the dish immediately re-enters Cartman at high speed]
You alright?
You know that feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up your ass? NO, I'M NOT ALRIGHT!
NNajix
Well, you don't think the whole universe works the way Earth does, do you? No! One species, one planet! There's a planet of deer, a planet of Asians, and so on! We put them all together on Earth and the whole universe tunes in to watch the fun!
J2Joozian 2
You've made it to a hundred episodes. You should be proud!
J1Joozian 1
Yeah, a show should never go past a hundred episodes, or else it starts to get stale with ridiculously stupid plot lines and settings.
Dude, I have no idea what we're seeing right now, but I have a feeling it's really, really wrong.
J1Joozian 1
Oh man, I can't believe I sucked your jaggon.
J2Joozian 2
Oh God, we did suck each others's jaggons!
S7 E2Krazy Kripples
Look! My gang, which I can't talk about because it's super secret, is the most important thing to me now! And if you two don't like it, you can just pass the blunt to the nigga on your left.
TRTV reporter
...if irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.
S7 E3Toilet Paper
GCGrocery Clerk
You know, son, I remember you coming in last week and buying this much toilet paper.
Oh yeah, that's right.
GCGrocery Clerk
Toilet paper, toilet paper...
You TP'd a house last week, Cartman?
No, last Thursday night was Fajitas night.
Oh...ewww!
[after luring Kyle onto a boat with him and rowing them to the middle of a pond, Cartman sneaks up behind Kyle and hits him in the head with a Wiffle bat. It bounces off his hat]
Ow! What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
I'm killing you. Unfortunately, I could only afford a Wiffle bat so this may take a while. [hits him again]
Cartman!
Don't fight it, Kyle, it'll only take longer. Just slip into sweet unconsciousness. [Hits Kyle two more times]
You want to kill me, fine! [Turns around] I can't live like this anymore! Go ahead! [Cartman initially hesitates] What are you waiting for?! Do it!
[Hits Kyle several more times] Won't be long now, Kyle. [Keeps hitting Kyle. Stan and Kenny come up in a paddle boat]
Cartman, what're you doing?
I'm getting rid of our problem. Kyle will be dead in a matter of hours.
JJosh
Tell me something first. When you went to the academy you had something to prove--you wanted to protect and serve but mostly you just wanted to protect yourself. Who were you protecting yourself from, Officer Barbrady?
Alright! Alright! My uncle Charles used to hit me with a belt!
GGuard
Josh, were you doing the silly voice for the policeman again?
JJosh
[in a normal, high-pitched voice] No sir.
JJosh
Your uncle who hit you with a belt, was he a large man?
I don't have time for this, kid.
JJosh
Did he stink like beer when he came home from work, all tired from playing down at the pool house?
All right, all right! My dad dressed me up like a little girl on poker nights and made me sit on all my uncles' laps! [breaks down into sobs]
JJosh
[in a normal voice, but disturbed] ...Whoa. Er...oh. Thank you.
[annoyed] Well, well, well, I had to see it to believe it.
Hi, Dad.
Don't you "Hi, Dad" me! Look at you! Standing behind prison bars, again!
Yeah.
What fibs have you been telling this policeman, Butters? You know damn well you didn't toilet paper that house.
Huh?
Butters was with us all night, Officer Barbrady.
Butters, what have we told you about confessing to crimes you didn't commit? We have had it, mister!
Well, he kept accusing me for hours, and then he shot me up with Sodium Pentothal.
And that's your excuse?
Looks like I made a mistake. I guess I'd better let you out now. [lets Butters out of the cell]
Just wait till we get you home, you little fibber!
Will you people stop barging into my office, please?
JJosh
What's the matter, Principal Victoria? Was your mother abusive? Did she spank your thighs with cold cuts and stick umbrellas up your ass?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.