That's right, you did it.
It's over. I didn't feel anything. You were right, Mom.
I'm so proud of you, Eric.
All right, so where's my ice cream?
Oh. Here's the doctor now. Hi, doctor.
You were right, doctor. Everything is okay.
DDoctor
No, it's not. Eric, I'm afraid that we've accidentally infected you with the AIDS virus.
What's that supposed to mean?
DDoctor
During the tonsil surgery, we had to supply you with donor blood, a mistake was made and you were given blood contaminated with HIV. It was a one in a billion fluke.
DDoctor
Not yet, but we confirmed that you now have the virus that causes AIDS. We are very sorry.
Sorry?! You gave me AIDS and you're sorry?!
Did Elton John sing a song for you?
No, as a matter of fact, Jimmy Buffet came instead. (Kyle starts laughing) OH YEAH, IT'S REAL FUCKING FUNNY, KYLE!
(manages to stop laughing) I'm sorry. I'm-I'm really...Cartman, I-I feel really bad for you. Honestly.
I do. (smiles and keeps from laughing)
If you REALLY felt bad, you'd wipe that fucking smirk off your face! (Kyle tries to keep from laughing) WELL, ANY GODDAMN SECOND, KYLE!
I'm sorry, I gotta go home. (walks away while still laughing)
Little boy, are you sure you haven't taken it up the hoohoo just once or twice?
No! No, God damn it no! I'm telling you, you're wrong! There, there's no way I can have HIV! Unless maybe... [Kyle's eyes open wide at the realization that Cartman had deliberately infected him with the HIV virus] Oh my God. [his fear immediately turns into utter anger] THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!
[Kyle hops off the bed and rushes out the door, ready to kill Cartman]
[cut to Cartman playing with the other kids on the school playground]
Pass me the ball! Pass me the ball, Craig, you stupid asshole! [Kyle furiously shoves him to the ground] Kyle, what the F?!
[enraged] I'M GONNA KILL YOU, CARTMAN!!!
Oh, you have HIV, huh Kyle? Guess it isn't so funny now, is it?
Then WHY did Butters say he helped you sneak into my room last Friday night?!
Aw, nice going Butters, ya big tattle-tale!
TATTLE-TALE?! DO YOU KNOW HOW SERIOUS THIS IS?!
Well, Kyle, maybe I was just trying to prove a p--
[snaps] AAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!
[Kyle snaps, lets out a primal scream, and starts beating the everloving shit out of Cartman, while the other students cheer him on]
[Approaches the fight] Hey! Hey, that's enough! Break it up, m'kay?! [tries to separate Kyle & Cartman] Break it up! Hm'kay?! [struggles, but ends up hoisting them away together at each other's throats] M'kay!
Well he was being a total dick! And he's a big tattle-tale and going around and talking crap about me!
Did you infect Kyle with the HIV virus, yes or no?
Eric, that is not appropriate behavior. M'kay. You cannot purposely infect other kids with your disease.
That's right, I think you owe Kyle an apology.
You're sorry for what, Eric?
I'm sorry for giving you AIDS, Kyle.
That's better. And now, Kyle, you should also admit you were wrong for tattling.
Kyle, the thing about tattling is, eh, tattling's bad. M'kay, because nobody likes a tattle-tale, m'kay?
A tattle-tale?! HE INFECTED ME WITH AIDS!
[While Kyle is breaking all of Cartman's belongings in his room] What the fuck are you doing?! Kyle, stop it! Goddamn it, don't! [Kyle approaches Clyde Frog and attempts to rip his head off] No! Kyle, not Clyde Frog! Leave Clyde Frog alone! [Kyle successfully rips Clyde Frog's head off] NO!! Aah! Clyde Frog! [Kyle approaches Cartman's Xbox 360] Clyde Frog you--No! NO!! Not the Xbox, Kyle! Not the X--wait! Just WAIT A SECOND! [Kyle disconnects Cartman's Xbox 360 from his TV and is just about to smash it on the ground until Cartman desperately runs in front of him] I'M SORRY I GAVE YOU HIV, ALRIGHT?!?! Just give me a chance, and I can cure you!
[still infuriated] There is no cure, you asshole!
No, no! Listen, Kyle! I'm onto something. There really is hope.
Break my Xbox, and you'll never know.
NO! No! Al-alright, Kyle! Magic Johnson, Kyle! The key is Magic Johnson.
He was a basketball player.
So he got HIV like 50 years ago! And he's still totally fine! Magic Johnson has some kind of resistance to the virus, Kyle. I've been researching it since I got infected. If we can track him down and isolate his genetic prototype, we have a chance of beating this thing, buddy. [Cartman puts his arm around Kyle] You and me, Kyle. We can overcome our illness. I swear it to you!
[Somewhat convinced, while looking down on Cartman's Xbox 360] You better. Because if you don't find a cure for HIV, I will break your Xbox.
Thank you for seeing us, Mr. Johnson. We were hoping that maybe you have some kind of key that can help us with our disease.
MMagic
You boys both have the virus? Are you sure?
We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive.
Will you stop it with that?! What part of this is funny to you?
Kyle, we need to try and find a--
What part of being infected with a deadly disease do you find funny?
I don't think it's funny, Kyle.
Then stop you're not just sure, you're HIV-positive! This isn't funny! AIDS isn't funny, dying isn't funny, so shut the fuck up!
Well, excuse me, Kyle, for trying to keep some optimism, you know? I mean, sometimes when things seem their darkest you just need to try and stay..... HIV-positive, but if you wanna be so HIV-negative all the time, I--
Knock it off! Right now! This isn't funny! At all!
[longer pause] Are you HIV-positive?
Excuse us. We're trying to take a picture of Britney Spears.
M2Man #2
Yeah. All you amateur photographers are making this tougher on the professionals.
We're professionals, too, you fucking butt hole. [Kyle, Cartman, Stan, and Butters walk to the stairs]
PPolice Officer
Uh-uh. No one goes upstairs.
We, uh, we have special permission.
Don't you recognize us? We're Britney Spears' kids.
[in squirrel costume] Not me; I'm a squirrel!
SAStephen Abootman
[On a ice flow with his aides] Eh? What do you think you're doing!?
We're sending you adrift, idiot.
Maybe you can go live with the Danish!
SAStephen Abootman
You'll regret this day, friend!
I'm not your friend, buddih!
SAStephen Abootman
I'm not your buddih, guy!
He's not your guy, friend!
SAStephen Abootman
I'm not your friend, buddih!
TPTerrance and Phillip
We're not your buddih, guy!
SAStephen Abootman
I'm not your guy, friend!
[talking about middle-grade school students] Dude, you know what they're going to do to a middle-class white boy like you? They're going to end you. You only have one shot or your ass is on the line, good luck on that.
[Kyle, Stan and Kenny walk away]
Maybe he's right. I'd better be careful, however. [later, Cartman is in the bathroom cutting his hair, then we cut to some scenes of a high school]
MMrs. Miller
Students, quiet. Quiet, please. [someone throws a spitball at her] Give me your attention.
HSHigh School Student
I'll give you my attention, all night long, Mrs. Miller. [everyone laughs, except Mrs. Miller]
