Dr. Gauche quotes from South Park

Your vice principal gave birth to all five babies with no epidural. I must say, she's a very strong woman.

That she is.

The quintuplets are all healthy and resting away. There are her babies right there.

Oh, dude. Bro.

Yes, cute, little buggers, aren't they? Three boys and two girls.

I think it's wrong to force gender specification upon them at this young age.

Funny. That's exactly what their mother said. The quints are all Caucasian, blue-eyed, and something kind of weird.

What's that?

Well, the babies are all extremely PC, the likes of which I have never seen.

Cartman

No shots! No shots!

Eric, you have to be a big boy.

Big boys get a toy from the toy chest.

Cartman

No, no, no, no, no! [screeches]

Eric, it's just a little prick.

Cartman

[laughs, and the doctor gets even closer] No! No! No! Noooooo!

Good boy, Eric!

Hello, boys. Your mommy has a bacterial infection called, C. diff. It's very contagious.

Kyle

A bacterial infection? In her stomach?

All of us have trillions of microorganisms that grow on and inside our bodies. Just like your mom. There's tiny creatures that live in your mom's skin, on her eyelashes, in her vagina. But the good bacteria in mommy's tummy is being overrun by bad bacteria. We can't use antibiotics, because that will kill all the good bacteria too.

Kyle

So what can you do for her?

We need to take a healthy person's microbiome and start to grow it inside your mother. We do this with a fecal transplant. We'll get a donor's feces, mix it with water, and put it up your mom's anus.

[disgusted] Eeewww!

Your mom is tough, kids. We're gonna do the very best we can, kids. Try not to worry.

Kyle

Ike, if Mom lives, we can't let anyone ever know about this.

We have a major epidemic here, Detective. C. diff has spread to half the town. We don't have enough staff or enough to supplies to keep up with it.

How did this happen?

Apparently, the outbreak started at a restaurant when some women got sick on everybody. The women contracted C. diff. by giving themselves DIY fecal transplants.

So they got sick from another woman's feces?

No, they got sick from using this, [holds up a turkey baster] a common household turkey baster. It's a thing most people use just once a year, around Thanksgiving. The rest of the year it just sits in a drawer collecting bacteria, and then the ladies went and stuck it up their asses.

Oh, those ladies!

It gets worse. We're completely out of healthy donor feces. Even if we found a donor at this point, it wouldn't be enough to give everyone transplants.

So what happens next?

With how contagious C. diff is and how deadly, half of South Park is going to die.

Jesus... what have those rascally ladies done? [walks off]

Oh, Sheila, I'm so sorry for stealing your feces.

And we're sorry for stealing it from you, Harriet.

Sheila

Girls, this was all my fault. I think I got a little carried away bragging about my fecal transplant.

I hope we can all be besties again.

You ladies are pretty lucky. If it hadn't been for these little turd burglars here, you'd be dead. And also responsible for the deaths of countless others.

Sheila

Kyle, how did you do it? I mean, how did you even know what was going on?

Kyle

I didn't know. My microbiome did. All along they were trying to tell me something. I really learned that I'm not just me. I'm also all the creatures inside of me. From now on, I'm gonna trust my gut a little more.

Well, I think we've all learned something. One for the ladies, is one too many for the ladies.

They stole it! They stole my idea!

Who did?

Those dickheads across the street! They took everything I learned about using black culture to make a bigger profit and they're doing it themselves! Get this little prick outta my house! [drags Tolkien outside]

Stan

DAD!

Get him outta here, he's a spy! Hey, fuck face! I don't want your kid over at my house, you got that?!

Hey, man, what's your problem?

You want a war?! Well, you got one! Game on, asshole!

Game on, motherfucker.

Everyone back in the house. Come on, let's go.

Stan

But, Dad…

Shut up!

The story of young Stan Marsh might seem incredible, but the fact is many people suffer from unconscious biases. If you or someone you know might have also thought the name Tolkien didn't come from J.R.R. Tolkien, then please call… 1-800-I AM A GIANT PIECE OF SHIT. Because you are the fucking problem.