Michael quotes from South Park

God intended Kenny to die! What are these people doing?

Basically, Kenny, you...are Keanu Reeves.

No! There is another. A Japanese boy did make it to level 59.

Are you stupid, Uriel? Japanese people don't have souls!

Yeah, Uriel!

Oh. Right, right. I'm sorry.

So lame. So lame.

You guys, I do not wanna be grouped in with douchey, little vampire kids.

Well... at least no one can refer to us as vampire kids now.

It went this way.

Yeah, it's over there by that fat girl, the big nosed kid, the midget and the kid with pock marks on his face.

So we're back to that, are we?

Shoot.

Let's get outta these freaking Gap clothes.

How about we send him to Transylvania?

Nah, he'd probably see it as something to brag about someday to his little vampire buddies.

If we're gonna send him somewhere it should be the most horrible, most miserable place on Earth.

Scottsdale.

[knocking on the door] Butters, we just got a call from Mrs. Cartman. Butters? [rattles the door handle and finds it locked] Unbelievable! He's locked the door!

[rattling the handle and pounds on the door] Butters, this is your father! Explain why you snuck into another boy's bedroom and gave him a hickey!

Here we go guys! Zipliniiin'! [goes into an open-leg stance, makes a fist with his left hand, holding out the thumb and pinkie]

[a woman, waiting by a van that has been out earlier in the day] Everyone just step on in the shuttle. [opens the van's sliding door. The zipliners head for it]

Stan

...Shuttle?

Kyle

How, how long do we have to take the shuttle?

It's about forty-five minutes.

It's a devastating blow. For Kyle, it's almost too much to bear. [a look at Kyle's brain] His brain is already lacking excitement, and now just the word "shuttle" makes Kyle's brain fire neurons [this is shown] that bring up memories of just how lame shuttles can be. [two images of overloaded shuttle buses appear, then footage of the Space Shuttle Challenger going up and exploding, and Kyle is scared]

Cartman

Well, come on, we don't have a choice. [leads the others to the shuttle van.]

Alright guys, should be about forty five minutes to the freshest nar nar. Why don't we go around the van and get to know each other a little bit?

Stan

Uh that's okay.

Well my name's Pete Nichols and this is my wife Donna, and uh... make a long story short, we came out here to see our relatives who live down in Moab. They uhhh been livin' there about twenty years now, and uh, long story short, they told us that as long as we were in the Rockies we should try ziplining, so, long story short, we looked around in the newspapers and on the Internet and... on billboooards, and... you know, make a long story short, we found this company and thought we'd give 'er a try, so then we called and, we made a reservation, and that's when, you know, long story short, we just thought- [Cartman begins to mutter angrily]

Alright, remember to keep your clear of the cable and just let your equipment do the work. [a shot of the tour group] Now, when you're about halfway down the zipline, the camera's gonna take your picture, so when I call out "Shockabra!", look up and give the camera a nice "shockabra" [two fists with thumbs and pinkies extended]. Alright, you ready?

Cartman

Yeah. [Michael shortens the strap between Cartman and the zipline, and holds him up]

Ready to do some ZIPPIN'?

Cartman

Yeah.

Alright, let's hear you say "Zipliiine!"

Cartman

Zipliiine. [Michael sends him on his way]

[voice-over] Shockabra! [Cartman holds out his fists as indicated above and the camera takes his picture]

Woohoo! Alright, nice zip!

Kyle

Well? How was it, Cartman?

Cartman

Totally fuckin' stupid, dude!

Stan

[as Kyle is prepped] Oh, really???

Cartman

Yeah dude, it's fuckin' boring as shit!

Alright Kyle, give me a "Zipliiine!"

Kyle

Zipline. [Michael sends him on his way]

Shockabra! [does the fists. Kyle does the firsts too and the camera takes his picture, but he's mad]

Kyle

[being interviewed] It was like having the life sucked out of you. That' all it is, sliding down a cable. Maybe without a tour group it'd be ...kind of fun. But, this was just... a complete disaster.

Goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time!

Death and sadness everywhere, loneliness and degradation!

Goin' down to South Park, gonna take my woes with me!

Nightmares every night, posers spouting "Let's go shopping!"

Heading out to South Park, cause I cannot unwind!

I like spiders, loss and rain, I'm only happy when I'm in pain!

So I'm goin' down to South Park... to die!

All right now, you say that you witnessed your friend being abused by her parents.

Yes. They called her an emo.

What's wrong with that?

Emos suck! Their vile, self-pitying, depressed assholes!

So, why do you think they called her that?

Because she's Goth, and some ignorant people don't know the difference!

What is the difference?

Oh my God! They're totally different!

Okay, different how?

They're, you know, one is good and an' emos are horrible! [flips hair] You're, you know... They're posers!

Emos suck my Goth balls.

Alright. alright, think of it this way: a goth believes that deep down the world is totally fucked up. But an emo thinks that deep down, they are totally fucked up.

That's not much of a difference.

That's a huge fucking difference!

Okay. okay, look, emos are more prone to suicide.

This fuckin' bitch, man.

But goths are more prone to be depressed that so many people commit suicide.

Goth's darkness is nihilistic whereas Emos is cynical.

Wait, I thought we were cynical. Whatever, it doesn't matter.

No, see, you're nihilistic.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

What if she comes back, and she's all preppy and conformist?

She's only been there two weeks. They can't have changed her that much. Can they have?

Oh, my, God.

Hey guys.

What the hell have they done to you?

What do you mean? They couldn't do anything. They can't fix me. They don't even understand me. [walks away]

Oh, my God, it's worse than we thought! They made her emo!

What did they do you you? At that camp?

What do you mean? Just the usual group therapy crap.

Don't take this the wrong way, but I think that place turned you into an emo.

That's ridiculous. I'm not anything. I don't fit in anywhere. I'm not emo, okay?

Then why are you listening to Sunny Day Real Estate? I was thinking, maybe they just made you confused at that place. Maybe they didn't know what they were doing. But then I started thinking, maybe that place... turned you emo on purpose. Like maybe they knew what they were doing.

You should probably stop digging for answers.

What?

There's no winning this for you. Soon the entire world will be emo. It is our time.

Nooo waaaaay.

Nobody understands us. And they won't understand until it is far too late.

Oh my god no waaaaaaaaay.

Do not fight it, Michael. Is being emo really all that different from being goth? [in an evil deep voice] JOIN US!

No waaay! No way no waaaaaay!

Death and despair! Death and despair! Death and despair! Death and desp-

[answers the phone] Hello?

It's worse than we thought.

What is? Everything?

No! I mean Henrietta. I confronted her and she was all like "I am emo! And emos are going to rule the world" and I was like "No waaay!" and she was like "Yeah, soon it will be too late." and I was all "No waaay!"

No way.

Yeah, so listen. Call up Firkle and meet me at Village Inn. I gotta run home but I'll be there in ten minutes. [makes it to his house in a flash, locks the front door, and starts to run upstairs]

Michael?! Michael!

[leaning over the rail] Can't now, Mom! I've got an emergency!

In the dining room now, Michael, let's go. [Michael enters the dining room with his parents sitting at the table, holding hands] Have a seat, son. [Michael takes an opposite seat] Your mom and I have decided you're gonna go away for a little while.

What?

[holds up the same brochure Harriet held up two weeks earlier] We've been put in touch with this camp for troubled kids like you and--

What the hell are you talking about?

This place gonna fix you, make you normal child!

No! You gotta listen to me! You don't know what you're doing! You fucking conformists! [His dad puts him in the truck and starts to back up, he looks across the street and sees Henrietta with her four emo friends; gasps in horror] They're EVIL!!!!

So, my friends. Have you made the transformation?

Uh, Henrietta, we have some bad news. The plants you think took over your body and made you emo? They're just plants. From Lowe's Home and Garden.

It was all a prank by some douchey network reality show.

No. There's an organic spore in my head that made me switch cliques so easily.

No, you just kind of did it on your own.

Oh my God. This is so... embarrassing.

Ah, hang on. What I meant to say was we just infiltrated the Emo lair and... we torched the plant leader.

Oh. Oh! I'm, I'm-I'm me again! Oh my God, I'm all better. Thanks you guys.

[enters] Henrietta, I have dinner ready.

Shut up, Mom! Leave me alone, you conformist bag of demon jizz!

...Fatty. [closes the door]