South Park Season 17 quotes

Kyle

[infuriated] I am so sick of that stupid bitch! Blabbin' pussy little stank! Why do people talk on their phone like that?! I can't even get a minute of piece before that bitch walks in, holding the cell phone out like this, and talking on speaker phone! Nobody wants to hear your goddamned conversations, you little bitch! You're not that important!

Cartman

[talking to a friend on the phone, via speaker] Yeah, I know dude. I'm tellng you, it was the worst pain in my entire life.

How many hours were you guys playing?

Cartman

Like six hours, dude. And my friends were all like "Dude, Cartman, we need you to keep playing defense!"

Kyle

AAAARGH!

You were playing football?

Cartman

Yeah, but I was like "I can't you guys. I twisted my ankle." In the end though, they really needed me to play, so I just played through the pain, you know what I'm sayin'?

Kyle

That is not what happened! You totally started crying and quit the game!

Cartman

[covering the phone] Kyle, this is a private conversation.

Kyle

Then take that shit speaker phone off!

Is that that same kid?

Cartman

Yeah, it's that kid Kyle again. He's a total boner, always listening in on my calls.

Kyle

How do we have a choice?!

Cartman

Stop listening to my conversation, Kyle! What are you, the NSA?! Lawrence, remember how I was tellin' you the NSA listens to everyone's phone calls and reads all our e-mails?

Yeah, yeah, you said that.

My dad says the government keeps a database on everyone.

Cartman

Who is that? Is that Toby?

Yeah.

Cartman

Dude, Toby, are you over at Lawrence's?

Yeah, we're ditching school.

Cartman

You're what? What, you say?

Me and Toby are ditching school!

Cartman

I've done it. I've infiltrated the NSA, and gained their trust. So far, I've not ascertained how they were able to keep track of everyone in the country, but I'm close. Very close. I just hope that I'm not found out as a whistleblower before I'm able to expose their entire operation.

What is that voice?

Some little faggot in my head.

Stan

[wakes up as his phone rings and answers it] 'Sup, dude?

Cartman

Dude, do you know Aaron Hagen?

Stan

Uh, yeah, the first grader?

Cartman

You should come down to his house. His dad just killed his mom.

Stan

What?!

[naked and at Stan's door after finding out a parental lock has been put on the TV] Stan. Stan! How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?

Stan

[barely awake in bed] What?

What is Minecraft and how do you tame a horse in it?

Stan

You guys don't need to be watching that stuff.

Oh! Come on! You can't block your parents from watching informative murder porn! What? Ya-you think if we watch shows about married people killing each other all the time we're gonna go out and do it? That's stupid! I'm not going to go out and kill your mom just because I watch Investigative Discovery, Stan. I'd be impossible to clear away all the DNA evidence anyway! Even if I hired someone else to kill her, I'd have to kill that person, too, because 96% of the time that person eventually tells the truth! I thought this through a lot! Stan? You're a lousy kid! I WISH JADEN SMITH WAS MY SON!

Who do our children think they are, blocking our TV content?!

How are they able to do this with their smartphones?

It's all right. Our kids think they outsmarted us, but we're the ones who pay the cable company.

Nice one, Stotch! Your castle fucking sucks!

Ah, go to hell, you griefer!

Goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time!

Death and sadness everywhere, loneliness and degradation!

Goin' down to South Park, gonna take my woes with me!

Nightmares every night, posers spouting "Let's go shopping!"

Heading out to South Park, cause I cannot unwind!

I like spiders, loss and rain, I'm only happy when I'm in pain!

So I'm goin' down to South Park... to die!

Henrietta, sweetie.

Shut up, Mom! Go away!

Ohh, but remember, Daddy wanted to talk to you in the living room, my dark little princess.

Stop calling me a princess. I'm not a beauty queen in a Disney movie!

We'll be waiting in the living room.

God, she just never stops!

Have a seat, Henrietta.

Ooh, a little family chitchat.

Shut up, Mom.

Henrietta, as you know, your mother and I have been concerned about your behavior for some time.

Are we really doing this again?

We've had a hard time coping with the dark things you're into, but we've finally had some counseling, and apparently we're not the only parents who have a child that is... emo.

What??

But Daddy and I love our little muffin, even if she's emo or not.

I'm not a fucking emo! Don't you even know the fucking diff?!

Do you know how your foul language breaks your mother's heart?

Like calling Mommy, "Demon Jizz."

So listen, sweetie, we've found a camp.

No.

A camp which is for troubled kids like you, and you get to work outside and learn about responsibility.

I'm not going to any fucking camp!

It's for two weeks, and when you come back we can talk about earning back some of your privileges.

I won't come back because I'll be fucking dead. I'll walk out of that camp and I'll walk the streets until I probably get picked up and gang-banged by criminals until I'm bleeding out my fucking eyes!!

They have a horseshoe pit where you can challenge the other kids to horseshoes.

All right now, you say that you witnessed your friend being abused by her parents.

Yes. They called her an emo.

What's wrong with that?

Emos suck! Their vile, self-pitying, depressed assholes!

So, why do you think they called her that?

Because she's Goth, and some ignorant people don't know the difference!

What is the difference?

Oh my God! They're totally different!

Okay, different how?

They're, you know, one is good and an' emos are horrible! [flips hair] You're, you know... They're posers!

Emos suck my Goth balls.

Alright. alright, think of it this way: a goth believes that deep down the world is totally fucked up. But an emo thinks that deep down, they are totally fucked up.

That's not much of a difference.

That's a huge fucking difference!

Okay. okay, look, emos are more prone to suicide.

This fuckin' bitch, man.

But goths are more prone to be depressed that so many people commit suicide.

Goth's darkness is nihilistic whereas Emos is cynical.

Wait, I thought we were cynical. Whatever, it doesn't matter.

No, see, you're nihilistic.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

What if she comes back, and she's all preppy and conformist?

She's only been there two weeks. They can't have changed her that much. Can they have?

Oh, my, God.

Hey guys.

What the hell have they done to you?

What do you mean? They couldn't do anything. They can't fix me. They don't even understand me. [walks away]

Oh, my God, it's worse than we thought! They made her emo!

What did they do you you? At that camp?

What do you mean? Just the usual group therapy crap.

Don't take this the wrong way, but I think that place turned you into an emo.

That's ridiculous. I'm not anything. I don't fit in anywhere. I'm not emo, okay?

Then why are you listening to Sunny Day Real Estate? I was thinking, maybe they just made you confused at that place. Maybe they didn't know what they were doing. But then I started thinking, maybe that place... turned you emo on purpose. Like maybe they knew what they were doing.

You should probably stop digging for answers.

What?

There's no winning this for you. Soon the entire world will be emo. It is our time.

Nooo waaaaay.

Nobody understands us. And they won't understand until it is far too late.

Oh my god no waaaaaaaaay.

Do not fight it, Michael. Is being emo really all that different from being goth? [in an evil deep voice] JOIN US!

No waaay! No way no waaaaaay!

Death and despair! Death and despair! Death and despair! Death and desp-

[answers the phone] Hello?

It's worse than we thought.

What is? Everything?

No! I mean Henrietta. I confronted her and she was all like "I am emo! And emos are going to rule the world" and I was like "No waaay!" and she was like "Yeah, soon it will be too late." and I was all "No waaay!"

No way.

Yeah, so listen. Call up Firkle and meet me at Village Inn. I gotta run home but I'll be there in ten minutes. [makes it to his house in a flash, locks the front door, and starts to run upstairs]

Michael?! Michael!

[leaning over the rail] Can't now, Mom! I've got an emergency!

In the dining room now, Michael, let's go. [Michael enters the dining room with his parents sitting at the table, holding hands] Have a seat, son. [Michael takes an opposite seat] Your mom and I have decided you're gonna go away for a little while.

What?

[holds up the same brochure Harriet held up two weeks earlier] We've been put in touch with this camp for troubled kids like you and--

What the hell are you talking about?

This place gonna fix you, make you normal child!

No! You gotta listen to me! You don't know what you're doing! You fucking conformists! [His dad puts him in the truck and starts to back up, he looks across the street and sees Henrietta with her four emo friends; gasps in horror] They're EVIL!!!!

[cutting herself on her arm] Are you guys getting into that Fall Out Boy concert?

[cutting herself on her arm as well] I can't. I'm too depressed. I keep cutting myself.

Yeah. I'm cutting myself to hurt this worthless body that I'm in.

[knocks on the door and opens it; holding a plate of cookies] Henrietta, I baked cookies for your new little Emo friends.

Not now, Mom! Can't you see I'm hurting?! I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment! Sorry I'm not the pretty cheerleader you always wanted!

Does she still seem better?

Oh, much better! She didn't call me a bitch, and she actually apologized to me.

Well, that's more like it.

Alright, listen up. Once we find our friend, we've gotta torch the place and get out.

[coughs] Dude, Edgar, can you not smoke in the car?

It is your name, isn't it?

That's the name my stupid parents gave me! I like to be called by my Goth name: Night Pain.

Oh, God.

What? You guys are posers!

Hey, just so you all know, if one of you ain't who you say they is, and we get inside that base and you reveal you're actually one of them Emo motherfuckers in disguise, I WILL go crazy on yo' ass!

If one of us is a traitor, it's probably your wannabe vampire leader.

Oh, fuck off, NightPain.

Make me, poser.

So, my friends. Have you made the transformation?

Uh, Henrietta, we have some bad news. The plants you think took over your body and made you emo? They're just plants. From Lowe's Home and Garden.

It was all a prank by some douchey network reality show.

No. There's an organic spore in my head that made me switch cliques so easily.

No, you just kind of did it on your own.

Oh my God. This is so... embarrassing.

Ah, hang on. What I meant to say was we just infiltrated the Emo lair and... we torched the plant leader.

Oh. Oh! I'm, I'm-I'm me again! Oh my God, I'm all better. Thanks you guys.

[enters] Henrietta, I have dinner ready.

Shut up, Mom! Leave me alone, you conformist bag of demon jizz!

...Fatty. [closes the door]