Stephen Stotch quotes from South Park

[pushes Butters outside the house, forcing him to go outside and play] Butters, play! Start playing right now, young man!

[grabs the bullhorn from the officer] Butters? Butters, whatever is troubling you, this isn't the answer. Just come down, son, and... we promise we won't ground you for more than a couple of weeks.

You're demon-spawn now, son.

[sees his son, Butters, running home from school and running upstairs to his room, screaming] Butters?

Please do not adjust your televisions! My name is Stephen Willis Stotch. The drone that took the video of Craig's mom… was my drone. I didn't want to believe it, but they do things without us knowing. At this point, I have completely lost all enthusiasm for the hobby. All of you with drones, please listen to me. Three days ago my drone recorded a video that something uploaded to the Internet. We all were told to respectfully not watch the video. But on the page, [holds up a printout of the YouTube page] it has over 300 million views, so if none of us watched it, who did? We have to find a way to get rid of them! Before they get rid of us!

Well, this looks like a lovely meal. Too bad Butters won't be enjoying it. [shouting to upstairs] You hear that, mister?! No dinner for you! While you're grounded, you can just go to bed hungry! [a thump is heard from upstairs; shouting again] And no bouncing a racquetball, either!

[reads school paper in bed] Wow. Wow, this is so great. Have you ever read the elementary school newspaper, Linda? There's no ads, no sponsored content, no links to click on. Just news stories about what's happening. Did you know that the police in ShiTpaTown beat up homeless to clear them out? Do you know long it's been since I was able to just sit back and read the news? I got so used to getting news off the Internet. But I feel like I'm always trying to chase the news somehow. [sets paper down] It's like... I'm in a black void, trying to reach the news story. [sees himself running in a void of content] But then the next thing I know I'm reading an ad for Gieco. So I click out of that and try to read the news story but it's not a news story, it's a slideshow! And I'm looking at the "Worst Celebrity Plastic Surgery Jobs Ever". So of course I want to see the next line of plastic surgery gone wrong, so I hit the arrow, but then the arrow wasn't the arrow for the next slide, it was to take me to an ad for face cream. Haugh! I wanted to get a news story, but I'm reading about face cream and I try to click out of it, but the ad is following me, it's-it's following me all over the screen!! Nooo! So I click on the close button, but it wasn't a close button, it was another slideshow, and I just want to know what's happening in the Middle East, but instead, I'm looking at the "Top 10 Scariest Movies of All Time", and that's not the arrow for the next slide, it's another ad! Aaagh!! [comes back to reality] But this... this is just news. And I don't get lost in all the bull shoot. [sees Linda focusing on her smartphone] Linda? LINDA!!

[dancing happily] Adults are all vaccinated! Adults are all vaccinated!

Butters! Are you having liposuction surgery? Tell me the truth!

Butters

Yes, sir.

This is unbelievable! How many times have we told you never to have self-performed liposuction surgery in our house?!

Butters

Four times, Mom.

Well, I guess that wasn't enough! You get up to your room right now, mister!

Butters

Yes, sir....

Oh-ho, don't you give us that look, young man! You're going to get it!

I'm just checking in on you, Butters. Do I hear the Television? We told you no television while you're grounded!

Cartman

[impersonating Butters] Oh, gee whiz, I'm not watching Television, Dad. I'm just laying around jacking it.

Jacking it? Jacking what?

Cartman

[impersonating Butters] Well, my hot, spicy boner, of course, Dad.

What?! Are you trying to get yourself in more trouble with that kind of language?

Cartman

[impersonating Butters] Aw, loosen up, you bloody vaginal belch.

Oh! You are gonna get it, mister! You just wait till I get home!

Cartman

[impersonating Butters] Bring it on, queer-bait. [hangs up] Ah, yeah.

Butters

[inside] Hi, Mom and Dad!

DON'T YOU 'HI, MOM AND DAD' US, YOU LITTLE PUNK!!! (THUNK!!)

Butters

Ow. Dad? [Cartman sits in his chair eating popcorn and slurps his slushee]

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE TROUBLE YOU'RE IN, MISTER!! (BAHK!!)

Butters

Ah! What did I do? What did I do??

YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH NOW? ANSWER ME!!!

Butters

(BASH!!) Dahh..!!

Cartman

Aw, man, if I was older, I would totally start jacking off right now.

Just what did you think you were doing, Butters? Not only did you lie to us and say you were on a camping trip with Kyle's family, you made a fool of yourself AND us on national television!

Butters

[still wearing his balls, looking hurt] Oh I'm sorry, mom.

Well, sorry isn't gonna make it this time, mister! You know, your grandmother saw the show and had a mild stroke!

Butters

Aw jeez, ah I didn't mean to almost kill Grandma. I promise I'll never go on TV with balls on my chin again.

Ugh! You'd better believe you won't, buster!

Your father and I have to leave now to visit Grandma in the hospital, but you can just take those balls off your chin and march right up to your room!

Butters

[with voice trembling, turns around] Yes ma'am. [removes his balls]

Butters

Serves me right! Putting balls on my chin and lying about it. Why I, I should be grounded for a month! Why do I do these things? Why can't I behave myself? [his phone rings. Butters goes for the receiver]

Stan

[on the other end] Hey Butters, those other freak people from the show were just over here looking for you?

Butters

Oh Jesus! They were??

Stan

Yeah, they wanted to find you bad.

Butters

Well Oh, God! W-whatdya tell him?

Stan

I- told them where to find you.

Butters

What?? W-why the heck would you do that. Wuh they wanna kill me for not being a real freak!

Stan

Oh. Well, serves you right for screwing us over. [hangs up. Butters looks helpless, then walks to the window to see if the freaks are coming. They are indeed]

He's very lucky you got him here when you did. He was in a very advanced state of vaginitis.

Vaginitis?

It occurs when a person stops eating meat. Those sores on his skin were actually small vaginas. If we hadn't stopped it in time, Stan would have eventually just become one great big giant pussy.

Kyle

Whoa, dude.

We've got an IV of pure beef blood pumping into Stan's veins and the... sores are fading.

Cartman

Thank God we stopped it in time.

Stan

Well, I guess we learned something today: it's wrong to eat veal because the animals are so horribly mistreated, but if you don't eat meat at all you break out in vaginas.

Butters

Hear hear.

Sheila

All right boys, it's time to go home. You've got some serious grounding time to start.

I'll say!

Butters

Aw, we're still grounded?

Kyle

But, but we, we learned things, and took up a cause.

Yes Kyle, but you still defied your parents. And you need to learn that terrorism is never the answer.

That's right, let's get these terrorists to their rooms. [Sternly] But first, [softens] maybe we can grab some burgers.

All right!

[annoyed] Well, well, well, I had to see it to believe it.

Butters

Hi, Dad.

Don't you "Hi, Dad" me! Look at you! Standing behind prison bars, again!

Butters

Yeah.

What fibs have you been telling this policeman, Butters? You know damn well you didn't toilet paper that house.

Huh?

Butters was with us all night, Officer Barbrady.

Butters, what have we told you about confessing to crimes you didn't commit? We have had it, mister!

Butters

Well, he kept accusing me for hours, and then he shot me up with Sodium Pentothal.

And that's your excuse?

Looks like I made a mistake. I guess I'd better let you out now. [lets Butters out of the cell]

Just wait till we get you home, you little fibber!

What happened to him, Doctor?

From the test results, it would appear your child was tortured by a bully. He received a massive snuggie; his underwear pulled up so high, it nearly killed him. He also received two Indian sunburns on his forearms, a charlie horse on the thigh, and a second-degree titty-twister. And from the damage to his head area, it appears he was also given a swirly-- a colossal one. It also looks like he received a noogie, and a Polish bike ride.