Officer Barbrady quotes from South Park

Now there's two of those things!

Okay people, listen up. As we near the top of the mountain, the chances of our encountering some lava becomes great. Therefore, I have special ordered this training film to assist us in volcano safety. Mr. Garrison, if you would, please?

Harbingers of sorrow, natural disasters can be the cause of troubling and undesirable stress—and a volcano is no exception. But what should you do if a volcano erupts near you or your family? Here, we see the Stevens family enjoying on their picnic. But suddenly, daughter hears a noise: it's a volcano. Junior seems worried—but have no fear, Junior. Jane learned in school what to do when you hear a volcano erupt. [Jane uses a picnic blanket, covering her family] That's right, Jane—duck and cover. [lava passes through blanket, leaving family unharmed] So what will you do when you hear a volcano erupting? That's right, duck and cover. Looks like you got the idea. Duck and cover. Thank you and goodbye. [end of film]

Okay, any questions?

(indignant) That has got to be the most ridiculous load of pig crap I have ever seen!

That's enough out of you!

You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.

Actually-

Well, I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese mafia.

Not a thingy-dingy.

You know who I am?

Well, you aren't Fiona Apple, and if you aren't Fiona Apple, I don't give a rat's ass!

[screams in anger]

Whoa, what a bitch!

Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it Chief Running Water? Or is it Chef? Is it Mephesto? Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison?

Nope. He's gay.

You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!

Is it Jimbo?

Daaagh!

Or is it Officer Barbrady?

Huh?! Where?!

Or could it be Ned?

Could be.

Or Mr. Broflovski?

Kyle

Dad, how could you?!

Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park, in just four weeks.

Cartman

What?! Son of a bitch!

It's over! We're free!

Yes, but at what cost, Mr. Garrison? At what cost?

Listen, everybody! We did what we had to in there.

But how will we live with ourselves now?

One day at a time, Mayor. One day at a time.

Well, I'm bringing home some Eric Roberts in a doggy bag. Does anybody else want some?

The Chickenfucker struck again last night.

Kyle

Oh, no!

Oh Mayor, please, when we're around children we prefer to call him the "Chicken Lover."

This time, he made love to Carla Weathers' prize chicken. She's catatonic.

Who? Carla Weathers or the chicken?

Young man, you can't just go declaring Shenanigans on innocent people. That's how wars get started.

Stan

Sorry, Officer Buttbaby.

Barbrady.

Stan

Oh, I'm sorry. What did I say?

You said "Buttbaby".

Cartman

Officer Barbrady!

Ooh, a T... T..is for turtle. [walks away]

You're supposed to lose, you idiot!

Where am I?

Whoo, Niners! Go, Niners!

Uh we're rooting for the Broncos here, Jakov.

[pause] Whooooo, Niners!

All these men wanted was to love a young boy! There is nothing wrong with love!

I did not want love from a young boy! I like men my own age. Ah! I mean, I like women! Ah! What did I just say?! Oh God, I like titties!

You haven't heard the last of us, officer! Together we are strong. Come on, men! [leads the NAMBLA crowd away]

[sits down and plops his feet up] Wow, they've got activists for everything these days.

Tell me something first. When you went to the academy you had something to prove--you wanted to protect and serve but mostly you just wanted to protect yourself. Who were you protecting yourself from, Officer Barbrady?

Alright! Alright! My uncle Charles used to hit me with a belt!

Your uncle who hit you with a belt, was he a large man?

I don't have time for this, kid.

Did he stink like beer when he came home from work, all tired from playing down at the pool house?

All right, all right! My dad dressed me up like a little girl on poker nights and made me sit on all my uncles' laps! [breaks down into sobs]

[in a normal voice, but disturbed] ...Whoa. Er...oh. Thank you.

[annoyed] Well, well, well, I had to see it to believe it.

Butters

Hi, Dad.

Don't you "Hi, Dad" me! Look at you! Standing behind prison bars, again!

Butters

Yeah.

What fibs have you been telling this policeman, Butters? You know damn well you didn't toilet paper that house.

Huh?

Butters was with us all night, Officer Barbrady.

Butters, what have we told you about confessing to crimes you didn't commit? We have had it, mister!

Butters

Well, he kept accusing me for hours, and then he shot me up with Sodium Pentothal.

And that's your excuse?

Looks like I made a mistake. I guess I'd better let you out now. [lets Butters out of the cell]

Just wait till we get you home, you little fibber!

What did that?! WHAT IS THAT THING?!?!

Mr. Marsh, you have to move! It isn't safe to be here!