Mayor McDaniels quotes from South Park

Mr. Lu Kim, tear down this wall!

Alright, people, let's start rebuilding our town! For the 39th time.

Students and parents, I know that you are all concerned about the witch who is preying upon our town. And I wanna speak to you all about how to try and protect yourselves. But first, some gentlemen have asked to speak on what they perceive to be a "witch pursuit thing."

People, it's time we faced some hard truths. The town is looking to us for answers, and all we keep doing is burying our heads. We need to cut the budget for this year's Christmas pageant.

Can't go on... So hungry...

We're all going to die in this horrible place.

We have to have the energy to make it through the night. We have to eat.

How can we? How could we live with ourselves?

There's only one answer: Eat Eric Roberts.

Yes, of course! Nobody gives a shit about Eric Roberts.

Eat Eric Roberts!

No! No, please!

Well, there's no going back now. We're cannibals! God save us...

God wants you to live, Mayor. Fight!

It's over! We're free!

Yes, but at what cost, Mr. Garrison? At what cost?

Listen, everybody! We did what we had to in there.

But how will we live with ourselves now?

One day at a time, Mayor. One day at a time.

Well, I'm bringing home some Eric Roberts in a doggy bag. Does anybody else want some?

How 'bout we get rid of all the Mexicans.

Mr. Garrison, every Christmas you suggest we get rid of all the Mexicans, and every Christmas we tell you, "No!"

Rats!

Mayor, this is an outrage! We are being discriminated against as lesbians!

You're a lesbian now?

That's right. A proud lesbian. And our home is being taken away!

The bar has been sold to Persian club owners, I don't know what you want me to do about it.

Forbid the transaction! This is happening all over the country, Mayor.

The fact of the matter is that "fag" is still defined in the dictionary as a pejorative term against homosexuals. And so you are still causing harm to gay people everywhere, whether you mean it differently or not. The town of South Park and its mayor have once again shown themselves to be completely out of touch with the progressive world.

She's gaining support all over the country. I should've never listened to you!

Kyle

We're sorry, Mayor.

Oh, that's nice. You made our entire town look like gay bashing, redneck homophobes, but at least you're sorry!

Stan

We can fix this!

How?

Stan

That lady said it's because "fag" still means "homosexual" in the dictionary. So we just have to convince the dictionary people to change the definition.

You just had to push it, didn't you Stan? You just had to make fun of Tom Cruise again.

Did you call him a fudge packer?

Stan

Aww, he was packing fudge!

Little boy, you don't understand how serious this is. Tom Cruise has put together a class-action lawsuit along with 200 other celebrities!

They're going to sue the bajeezus out of this entire town, m'kay?

Stan

It wasn't just me. Other kids called him a fudge packer. Even Mr. Garrison.

But you started it. Mr. Broflovski, tell him what you told us.

Stan, a class-action lawsuit means the end of this town. We can't possibly go up against their lawyers.

Dammit, Marsh, why couldn't you've just kept your stupid ugly kid in line?

Hey, don't start blaming me for his looks!

Mr. Cruise, my son is so, so sorry. And he would do anything to take back his hurtful comment.

That's nice. I'm still suing you all! Nobody calls me a fudge packer!

Yes, it was a terrible mistake. But, maybe you could see how -- since you do, take fudge and, pack it into a box...

What?

I'm just saying, you are employed currently, as a person who, packages...

I'm an actor. I do not pack fudge!

Right, my son just got confused. Because you have a little uniform, and a hat that says "Fred's Fudge & Candies." And you are... look it doesn't matter just... please withdraw the class-action lawsuit. Nobody in our town will ever call you a fudge packer again.

[takes a short break and sighs] There is... one thing that your town could do to... maybe make me forget about this lawsuit.

Anything! Anything you want, Mr. Cruise.

It's just that there's somebody I've always wanted to meet. Face to face. If you could get him to show up in your town...

Sure, who is it? We can get anybody for you.

Muhammad. The prophet of the Muslim faith.

Stan

Ooooo...

That's tricky.

Well then you can just get sued!

Mr. Cruise, if there's anybody else we could try to bring to town, we could-

NO! Just him! You get Muhammad to appear in South Park, or your little town is done!

Okay, people, I kno- I know. But, he will get the other celebrities to withdraw their lawsuit if we just... get Muhammad to appear in South Park.

Are you nuts?! If Muhammad appears in South Park, we get bombed!

We don't know that! Maybe enough time has passed.

Kyle

[to Token] Dude, I can't believe we are dealing with this Muhammad thing again.

But even if it were safe now for Muhammad to come, huh, how would we ever find him?

Yeah, showing an image of him is completely off-limits and censored. So nobody has ever seen what Muhammad looks like.

Stan

I saw him once.

You did?

Stan

Yeah. A while ago my friends joined David Blaine's cult. I had to go to the Super Best Friends to rescue them. Muhammad was one of the Super Best Friends.

Oh, and what? And he was just out in the open where everyone could see him and nobody got bombed?!

Stan

No, dude, it was totally flying.

Muhammad showed up and there was no violence at all.

Stan

Well this giant John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln.

Alright, Stan, that's enough. Jesus, can't learn to shut up, can you? [to the audience] Now look, I believe we CAN find Muhammad. I've done a lot of research and I've completed a sketch of what Muhammad could look like today.

[stands up] No, don't!

Is that okay to show? [sits down]

I don't know. I guess we'll see.

Mayor, we do not have the resources to deal with this situation. A full evacuation is impossible!

Jesus Christ, what are we supposed to do?!

We have to give in to their demands!

I'm sorry, Muhammad, but we're going to have to give you over to the gingers.

I've called you all here because South Park has an image problem. Thanks to Mr. Garrison, we are now being referred to as the "shitheads of America". One of our more politically sensitive citizens has proposed an idea for this crisis and I'd like you to hear him out. [Randy takes the dais]

Hello everyone, I'm Randy Marsh, and I've been PC for almost two weeks now. You know, we've all been making changes to be more socially conscious, but have we really done enough? The truth is, there's something we're lacking as a community, and it's time we all faced it. What this town needs... is a Whole Foods.

It would instantly validate us as a town that cares about stuff.

We couldn't get a Whole Foods to open here!

And why not?! Huh?! We all just don't believe we can get a Whole Foods! Because we don't believe in ourselves!

Where could it even go?

Mayor?

I'm announcing a plan for Sodomy—a new urban development that will turn the most rundown and dilapidated part of our town into a quaint center of artisan shops and cafés.

Lots of cities are dong this. The area south of downtown South Park has always been the ugly eyesore of this town. But now, SoDoSoPa... is going to bring in the fresh new vibrancy that Whole Foods can't ignore!

This town is outraged, Officer Barbrady. People are tired of the police not being held accountable for their actions.

Mayor, I didn't know if there was a gunman or a bomb—

You shot an unarmed six-year-old Latino child!

..I'm sorry!

You are fired.

[beat] No, Mayor, please! This is all I know! I used to be the only policeman in this town, remember? Bob, I-I used to chase away the sixth graders for you!

You're from another time, Barbrady, and the last thing that needs to go. Your gun and your badge. [Barbrady slowly takes his gun and badge and lays them on the table] And your sunglasses.

No, please, not my sunglasses!

You're DONE, Barbrady. The town doesn't want you here.

[then takes off his sunglasses, opens his eyes after he puts them down] Where should I go?

You should have thought of that before you shot a Mexican.

Latino-American.

Latino-American. Shit!

[stands up] You should go away. You don't belong anywhere in a town as progressive as this one.