South Park · Season 26
[Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are watching Kyle and Tolkien's TikTok video on Stan's phone, all perplexed]
What the fuck is this? Seriously, what the fuck is this? You guys notice that Kyle and Tolkien are doing everything together, lately?
Yeah, they're quite the little team, aren't they?
Hey, Stan. Guess what? I have some good news for you.
What?
A little magic fairy told me that you and Kyle are gonna get back together soon.
I don't care that Kyle is making TikToks with Tolkien.
Yes, you do. But don't worry, Stan. It's almost Valentine's Day. And the little angel on my shoulder says that Kyle is gonna come running back to you any minute!
[approaching Kyle and Tolkien with Scott] Hey, Kyle, you got a minute?
Yeah, what's up?
Well, there's this rumor starting to go around the school. Kids are saying it like… I don't know, like, you run Hollywood.
What?
I told Scott that's just people being dumb and he shouldn't listen to stuff like that. But…Scott and I do have this sweet movie idea about a dude who has guns for hands and we have the first 20 pages written, so… You don't really run Hollywood, right?
[angrily] I'm not even going to justify that with a response. Because repeating a derogatory slur, even for the purpose of refuting it, can make stupid people think it's valid! [storms off]
Holy shoot. Kyle runs Hollywood.
Kyle runs Hollywood, and you fucked up the pitch!
How'd I frack up the pitch?!
You gotta tell him what the stakes are! People who make movies, they just care about the stakes!
The guy has guns for hands!
[Later, in the principal's office…]
[confronting Cartman] Mr. Cartman, did you or did you not tell students at this school that Kyle runs Hollywood?
I think I did say that, yes.
And why would you say such an intolerant, offensive thing like that?!
[shrugs] Somebody runs Hollywood.
[irritated] Lots of people run Hollywood!
Yes, lots of… people like Kyle.
Mr. Cartman, you are a dangerous frickin' ground here, buddy!
Okay, wait, wait, cut. Hang on. Let's try it again. I think you forgot the words.
Yeah, sorry. I'm just tired. I didn't get the best sleep last night. Maybe I should do the mom part.
Nah, you do the kid part, it's funnier.
Okay, yeah. I guess you call the shots.
What's that supposed to mean?
Just means you're in charge.
Oh, I'm in charge. Like I control things? Huh, are you gonna start saying I run Hollywood now too?
I didn't say I run Hollywood. And honestly, I'm getting kind of sick of hearing it.
You're sick of hearing it?
Yeah, I'm sick of hearing it.
[as Cartman watches them argue from behind the bushes, smiling] Oh, my God, are you listening to yourself? You of all people should have some compassion.
Oh, really? Why me of all people, Kyle?
You seriously don't know why? You know that Jews have stood alongside Blacks since the Civil Rights movement began, right?
What does that have to do with anything?
I'm just saying I thought you'd be a better friend. 'Cause you're like…
'Cause I'm like what? Black?
Oh my God, this is so awesome.
Whatever, Tolkien. Now you're gonna act like I somehow did something wrong to you.
No, you didn't do it to me. It just seems to work out that way all the time for you people.
You people?! No, it works that way for you people!
You know what?! I don't wanna make TikToks with you anymore!
I don't wanna make TikToks with you anymore!
Good!
Good!
[They both angrily go their separate ways]
What are you waiting for? Let's jack up these mofos!
Holy shit!
What the heck is that?!
[off-screen] CUPID YE!!! [the kids all turn around and stare at him; shaking a bottle of pills] Time to take your meds.
[answering the phone] Park Country Police Station. What's your emergency?
[on the phone] Yeah, the neighbors across the street are setting off fireworks and it's 10:30 at night!
Oh, is it the Prince of Canada and his wife, who just want to be left alone?
Yes! They're being super loud, and I'm trying to work on my brand! [looks outside from his window] Oh, God damn it, now the prince is playing polo on the lawn!
Wow, Kyle, you seem really different.
Do you like it?
Uh, sure.
Thanks, Jimmy. But you know, I really need to thank a good friend. He introduced me to a way of becoming a more stable person. Have you seen Butters?
Butters? Oh, sure. He's out on the playground, getting the shit beat out of him by Bebe.
What?!
[Outside on the playground, all the kids gather around, watching Bebe beating up Butters to a bloody pulp]
[savagely] MOTHER… FUCKER! DON'T EVER SAY THAT SHIT AGAIN!
[runs up] Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! [breaks up the fighting] What the hell is going on?!
I wasn't even doing anything, and he came up and started talking shit to me!
Yeah, everyone likes a guy that's strong and assertive, so I told Bebe to go fuck herself.
WHO DO YOU EVEN THINK YOU ARE?!
You want some more of this, you dumb slut?!
Butters, what are you doing?! This isn't you!
Hey, Kyle, will you relax? You're kinda fucking up my brand.
Okay, that does it-- come on, Butters. You're going back to CumHammer.
You're lucky he saved your ass!
Fuck you, you fucking bitch!
[Tegridy Farms; Shelley, Stan, and Randy are all in the living room as Shelley is on her phone while Stan watches Randy play Hogwarts Legacy]
See, Stan? You gotta choose if wanna be in Gryffindor or Slytherin.
Yeah, can I do it?
Yeah, see, you gotta fight these fairy guys.
[entering] Randy? Randy! The powder room toilet is broken…again!
Did you jiggle the handle?
Yes, I jiggled the handle! Will you come fix this, please?!
Okay, okay. [gets up from the sofa and enters the powder room to try and fix the toilet] Huh, well, let's see. It's gotta be the little black floaty thingy. [to Sharon] What'd you do to it?
I didn't do anything.
Let me see if there's water in the bowl… [starts to open the lid]
[quickly closes it] No! Don't lift the lid!
[smirking] Why can't I lift the lid?
Don't, Randy!
Uh-huh. [peeks out the door; to his kids] Hey, guys! Your mom took a shit and doesn't want me to see it!
[disgusted] Ew!
Gross, Dad!
Randy, we need to get a new toilet.
We can't just get rid of Ol' Blue, Sharon.
This is embarrassing. It's the powder room toilet, the one guests use! You get a new toilet, Randy, or I'm not helping you sell weed anymore! [walks out]
Alright, alright, Sharon, you win. As usual.
[as the Japanese toilet is being installed in the powder room] That's the new toilet? How much did it cost?
Oh, Sharon. Tenn-ish.
What's tenn-ish?
Tenn-ish. Thousand-ish. Ten thousand-ish.
[shocked in anger] You spent $10,000 on a toilet?! We don't have that kind of money, Randy!
Yeah, we do.
[The adults are having brunch with Randy at the table while Stephen tries out the new Japanese toilet in the powder room]
If you think about it, a dry piece of toilet paper can't clean your half as well as pressurized water. I feel that most people have to walk around with fecal matter on their anus, but I'm just lucky I've sold enough weed to be able not to. But was it really luck? Or was it hard work? Heck, I don't know, but you know--
[barging into the kitchen] Dad, can I talk to you?!
Stan? You're back from school already?
I need to talk to you right now! [they enter Randy's office; closes the door] The fuck are you doing?!
The fuck are you doing?
You need to stop gloating to everybody!
I am not gloating.
Yes, you are, and now kids at school are calling me Richie Rich!
They are?
Nobody cares about your stupid toilet and you're acting like a jerk!
You're stupid. I'm acting like a jerk because I'm trying to help people?!
How are you trying to help people, Dad?
Because the people don't know that these toilets are awesome, and I'm just, like, the well-respected guy who's trying to open people's eyes like JFK.
You are not like JFK! You're just showing off!
Nuh-uh, I'm like JFK 'cause I am trying to change things! You're part of a very respected family, Stan. You should start acting like it.
[Hell's Pass Hospital; The Marshes are sitting in the Waiting Room as the doctor comes to see them for on an update on Randy after he was shot by an unknown assailant]
I'm sorry, but he's in critical condition.
Who shot him?
Nobody knows.
Is he gonna be okay?
He's in a coma. He's unconscious and just blabbering nonsense.
[lying down in a hospital bed; blabbering weakly] Bikkuri… Bikkurishita... Taihen deshou...
Hey, Clyde, can I talk to you?
Sure, bro.
Well, um, Wendy just came up to me and was acting all hurt 'cause she think I don't care about her.
[closes his locker] Uh-huh.
And she said that she wishes I would reply to her texts the way that Clyde responds to Bebe's. So, like… how do you do it?
ChatGPT, dude.
ChatGPT?
Yeah, dude, there's a bunch of apps and programs you can subscribe to that use OpenAI to do all your writing for you. People use 'em to write poems, write job applications, but what they're really good for is dealing with chicks. Here. Check it out. There's tons of ChatGPT apps for your phone. So, then I can take whatever latest dumb thing Bebe texted me, I copy it, then I open the GPT app, click "respond to," paste her text here, hit "write." It just thinks for a second. "You would look great with any length of hair! Trying a new look could be fun." Copy that into messages and send it off. It's super easy and convenient and it saves me a ton of time because she texts me so goddamn much. [his phone buzzes, getting another text from Bebe] Jesus Christ! [reads her text] "I probably won't do it, but thanks for being supportive." Cut. Paste. Write. Cut. Messages. Paste. Send. There. [copy and pastes Bebe's latest text, responding, "No problem! I'm glad you feel supported whether you do it or not."] All done with her stupid shit.
This is a real app?
It'll completely change your life, bro.
[Mr. Garrison's residence; Rick is cooking up dinner while Mr. Garrison is grading essays]
Ugh. Ugh, God, I can't take it, Rick!
What's the matter?
Oh, it's just grading these stupid papers all the time! I have to read 'em all and comment on each one of them. Jesus Christ. Something's changed, and now a few of the kids are writing these really long, detailed essays. I don't know what's going on. I guess I've just taught them really well, maybe a bit too well.
Butters, what the hell are you wearing?
I got a job over at the ice cream shop! Well, guess what? I got my very first paycheck.
That's not fair. I want a paycheck.
My dad told me if I got a job, we could put my paycheck in my very own bank account.
I want a bank account.
I didn't know kids could get jobs.
This is going to be the best restaurant in Colorado, Kenny. And I know exactly what we should name it.
Tom, I'm standing out front of a Colorado icon, the old Coney Island Hot Dog, where the owners plan to reopen soon. The hot dog stand is going through major renovations and the new name has just been announced, DikinBaus Hot Dogs is sure to be a big hit here in town.
[McCormick residence; Cartman and Kenny are watching the news and burst out laughing at the new restaurant name]
[laughing] He said it! We got him to say dick and balls!
[holding a plate with a hot dog] The owners say they're planning on all kinds of rides and games. And also, with each hot dog served here at DikinBaus Hot Dogs, they actually use the ketchup to put a nice little smiley face on the plate. It's just their sort of trademark touch. The renovations are supposed to be finished soon and the new owners are inviting everyone to come on down, enjoy, and let DikinBaus put a smile on your buns.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
