[Cartman stands on a platform and is preaching to the kids. He speaks in the manner of a stereotypical, fire-and-brimstone televangelist.]
I am saying this because we must be saved-ah. The Lord is powerful and he will smote the sinners and send them to everlasting hell-ah. If you do not live your life for Him-ah, then to the lake of fire you shall go-ah!
PVPrincipal Victoria
[approaches with parents behind the gathering] You see that, parents? Your children have refused to come into class since this morning. I'm afraid your son is the leader, Ms. Cartman.
[meanwhile, in the background] Well, God is going to heal those eyes and save you from the devil begone-ah! O praise His name!
PVPrincipal Victoria
Apparently he's read the entire Bible, and now he's scaring the hell out of everyone.
[in the background] But some of you believe in the power of God-ah! Do you believe he is going to cure your face of the uglies?
CMs. Cartman
[to Eric] Poopikins, it's time to stop preaching damnation to everyone, sweetie!
[South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are filling their seats. Stan and Kyle enter the classroom]
Dude, it looks like Cartman and Kenny are ditching school again.
[he and Stan take their seats] Yeah, they're gonna get busted again.
[enters carrying a few books] Alright, class, let's take our seats. [seats the book down on her desk and turns to the class] Now, uh, before we get started, Stan and Kyle? Uh, the principal needs to see you in her office.
The principal? Aw, come on!
We don't know where Cartman is, Ms. Choksondik!
She needs to see you now. [points to the door. Stan and Kyle leave their seats, Kyle leading Stan]
Aw man, here we go again! Use the Jew as a scapegoat.
[Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Stan and Kyle are expecting the usual lecture, but are surprised to see their parents on either side of Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey]
PVPrincipal Victoria
Hello, boys.
Wait. What's going on here? [he and Kyle back up a bit. Their parents join them]
Alright, we don't know for sure why Cartman is ditching school, but it has something to do with abortion. That's all we know.
[Chef has joined the principal and Mr. Mackey] You didn't do anything wrong boys. We just need to talk to you. Have a seat. [the boys each take a chair and sit down] Boys, uh... your little friend Kenny went to the hospital last night, m'kay. [the boys look stunned] And well, he's pretty sick. [Sharon leans on Randy]
CChef
Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with a... terminal disease.
[after a pause] ...But... the doctors are gonna make him better, right?
Oh dear. [buries her face in Randy's shoulder]
Mom, that's what hospitals are for. They, they can make him better.
They don't think so, Stanley. Your friend is terminally ill, and that means.. Well son,... th- that means he's going to be going to heaven soon.
Wait. Kenny's going to die?
[tearing up] ...But... he's out... fu... fufu- friend.
We know, and that's why he's going to need you boys to be strong for him, m'kay? He needs you now more than ever.
No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die! Kenny can't die!! [buries his face in Randy's arm and begins sobbing]
The boys are standing off against the Indian casino and their bulldozers about to level South Park. At first, they're on their own, but then they hear some singing in the distance that gets louder and louder - it's the entire adult population of South Park, marching down the street and from up on the rooftops, united to defend their town and defiantly singing "Love is a Battlefield" in a cappella.
CSCitizenry of South Park
We are strong
No one can tell us we're wrong
Searching our hearts for so lo-o-ong
All of us knowing
Love is a battlefield!
This land is not for sale.
Dammit! I thought you said they were dealt with!
CSChief's assistant
T-they were!
Sorry, charlies! You can just keep your filthy, bastard, Indian money! [tears up a check]
PVPrincipal Victoria
[aside to Garrison] Filthy, bastard, Native American money.
O-oh right, sorry about that!
[Mr. Mackey interrogates Clyde in his office]
Why, Clyde? Why did you do it?
You got a whole school here, Clyde, m'kay? You got over three hundred people that need to use the boys' room, and you decide you're gonna be a comedian, m'kay, and pinch one off in the urinal, and leave it laying there for everyone to have to look at! [Clyde struggles to contain his laughter] M'kay, m'kay, you think it's funny, but nobody else does! They gotta walk in that bathroom and see your rancid dook propped up against the back of the urinal like a brown ragdoll! [Clyde bursts out laughing]
PVPrincipal Victoria
Mr. Mackey, Clyde's parents are here.
M'kay, that's good! [to Clyde] Let's see what your mom and dad have to say about your little poop-scapade! [Roger and Betsy appear and enter his office] Come on in, please. I'm just trying to get your son to explain why he would drop a dookie in the urinal!
PVPrincipal Victoria
Stacy, go ahead and send in Eric Cartman.
[Cartman enters the room and starts laughing as uncontrollably as he did before at Dr. Nelson]
PVPrincipal Victoria
Eric, Mr. Nelson is concerned about how you react to little people.
Oh, oh- did I hurt his little feelings? Ha ha ha!
You know, you think you have the power to make me insecure, but your words are actually completely powerless.
Oh-oh-oh-oh! If we could get, like, 8 of these, we can dress them all up like little beavers, right? And then put them in a pond, and see if they build a dam!
Dr. Nelson [as Cartman continues laughing at him]: You see? No matter what you say, I'm still standing!
No matter how you act, I can rise above it!
[his face is now blushing in anger] SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!
PVPrincipal Victoria
Mr. Nelson!
Dr. Nelson [as Cartman laughs at him again]: He didn't get to me. I was just joking.
Look, look how his face is all red. He's like a little strawberry.
Well he was being a total dick! And he's a big tattle-tale and going around and talking crap about me!
PVPrincipal Victoria
Did you infect Kyle with the HIV virus, yes or no?
Eric, that is not appropriate behavior. M'kay. You cannot purposely infect other kids with your disease.
PVPrincipal Victoria
That's right, I think you owe Kyle an apology.
PVPrincipal Victoria
You're sorry for what, Eric?
I'm sorry for giving you AIDS, Kyle.
PVPrincipal Victoria
That's better. And now, Kyle, you should also admit you were wrong for tattling.
Kyle, the thing about tattling is, eh, tattling's bad. M'kay, because nobody likes a tattle-tale, m'kay?
A tattle-tale?! HE INFECTED ME WITH AIDS!
[As Wendy is called over to Principal Victoria's office…]
PVPrincipal Victoria
Wendy, I've been hearing rumors about a fight between you and Eric Cartman?
No, ma'am, there isn't going to be a fight.
PVPrincipal Victoria
Oh, no? Are you sure?
PVPrincipal Victoria
I see. [gets up from her desk and walks to the window] I noticed all the things you've done for breast cancer awareness month. Did you know I'm a breast cancer survivor?
PVPrincipal Victoria
I was diagnosed seven years ago. Cancer is... pure evil. It is a fat little lump that needs to be... destroyed. When there is a cancer, you have to "fight" it. You can't reason with cancer, you can't wish it away. Cancer doesn't play by the rules, so neither can you.
[South Park Elementary; Stan is called over to Principal Victoria's office and as he enters, he is stunned to see Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, his parents, Kyle's parents, Sgt. Yates, Officer Barbrady, and the Mayor with her aides, all there together, and are incredibly displeased with him]
You just had to push it, didn't you Stan? You just had to make fun of Tom Cruise again.
PVPrincipal Victoria
Did you call him a fudge packer?
Aww, he was packing fudge!
Little boy, you don't understand how serious this is. Tom Cruise has put together a class-action lawsuit along with 200 other celebrities!
They're going to sue the bajeezus out of this entire town, m'kay?
It wasn't just me. Other kids called him a fudge packer. Even Mr. Garrison.
PVPrincipal Victoria
But you started it. Mr. Broflovski, tell him what you told us.
Stan, a class-action lawsuit means the end of this town. We can't possibly go up against their lawyers.
Dammit, Marsh, why couldn't you've just kept your stupid ugly kid in line?
Hey, don't start blaming me for his looks!
[Back at the fudge factory, Stan and Randy talk with Tom Cruise]
Mr. Cruise, my son is so, so sorry. And he would do anything to take back his hurtful comment.
That's nice. I'm still suing you all! Nobody calls me a fudge packer!
Yes, it was a terrible mistake. But, maybe you could see how -- since you do, take fudge and, pack it into a box...
I'm just saying, you are employed currently, as a person who, packages...
I'm an actor. I do not pack fudge!
Right, my son just got confused. Because you have a little uniform, and a hat that says "Fred's Fudge & Candies." And you are... look it doesn't matter just... please withdraw the class-action lawsuit. Nobody in our town will ever call you a fudge packer again.
[takes a short break and sighs] There is... one thing that your town could do to... maybe make me forget about this lawsuit.
Anything! Anything you want, Mr. Cruise.
It's just that there's somebody I've always wanted to meet. Face to face. If you could get him to show up in your town...
Sure, who is it? We can get anybody for you.
Muhammad. The prophet of the Muslim faith.
Well then you can just get sued!
Mr. Cruise, if there's anybody else we could try to bring to town, we could-
NO! Just him! You get Muhammad to appear in South Park, or your little town is done!
[The school hallway, moments later. The boys gather in from of the chart that Cartman had mentioned.]
There, ya see!? Can ya fahking believe it!?!?
Is that really all our wiener sizes!?
Yeah, dude look at it! It says right there: "Eric Cartman, 1.2 in"! [turns around and faces the others] Why would they tell everybawdy that!?!? They wanna measure my wiener, FINE! BUT DON'T PUT ME ON BLAST!!!!
Craig Tucker, 2.4 inches. Yeah; that's about right.
Butters Stotch, 2.2 inches. Is that good?
How big do they say mine is? [several other boys walk up to the chart in curiosity as Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey watch from afar]
PVPrincipal Victoria
I told you the students would be interested in how much they grew since their last physical.
You right. They really seem into it, m'kay. [takes a sip of coffee and walks away.]
[looks at the chart in perplexation] Wait, it says that my penis is only 2.1 inches; that doesn't seem right.
[enraged] No schick, Sherlock! My penis isn't 1.2 inches eitha! IT ISN'T! This is anotha conspiracah by DA SCHOOL FACUALTAHH!!!
[curious and confused] A conspiracy?
CCassie
They're tryin' to stir up some big thing again, get all da girls all heated up- freakin' out- over which boy has da biggest schlong! THIS HAS TO BE DEALT WITH!!!!
Well, everyone's already seen it; there's nothing we can do about it now.
Oh, there's something we can do about it, alright! It they're gawna put us on blast, they're at least gawna get da numbahs right! We are going to REMEASHAA!!!!
Let me guess - I'm in trouble again!
PVPrincipal Victoria
You're darn right, Eric!
VVictoria
Why did you measure all the boy students's penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?
[points at her] Why did YOU measure our penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?!
I don't care if Obama is president! You don't go around putting little boys on blast, telling the whole world the lengths of their DICKS!
VVictoria
Wait. Are you talking about the numbers we published Tuesday from the physicals?
You're damn right! 1.2 inches. I'll have you know that my penis is a respectable 1.4 inches! Maybe it's still the smallest in school, but it's .2 inches bigger than you said!
VVictoria
The numbers we put up were HEIGHT differentials!
VVictoria
We thought it would be fun to put up how much each student has grown in height since their physical last year. You grew 1.2 inches.
Those weren't our dick sizes?
VVictoria
WHY would we publish the lengths of our students's PRIVATE PARTS?
I don't know! Why would you?!
[gets off the chair] Aw, crap! You mean everyone knows my wiener is smaller than everyone else's... because of me?
VVictoria
THIS is exactly the kind of thing we are always talking about, Eric. You get angry about something, you don't think, and you cause bad things to happen! This time, you've done it to yourself!
Oh, God. Why couldn't I have just taken a minute to think about it?
VVictoria
Because you have an anger problem, Eric!
[points at her] FUCK YOU! NO, I DON'T!
PVPrincipal Victoria
Eric, as you might've heard, a student here at South Park Elementary, had an accident in the classroom.
I know, dude, Pete Melman crapped his pants! So freakin' funny!
PVPrincipal Victoria
Okay, but you probably understand that for Pete, it isn't that funny. For him, it's embarrassing and terrifying.
Right, that's why it's super funny to me.
PVPrincipal Victoria
Eric, it has been almost one year since Corey Duran defecated in his pants here at school. Now, you remember what happened to him?
PVPrincipal Victoria
Alright, are we sure we're alone?
We're alone, now what the hell are we gonna do?
What can we do? We're all gonna get fired!
PVPrincipal Victoria
This story hasn't gone on Eavesdropper yet, maybe it won't.
Oh, right! The school faculty tries to poison all their students, that's not gonna be on Wikileaks!
Let's just face it. We made our beds when we enlisted Eric Cartman's help, we have to lie in them.
South Park · 1,569 quotes
