Blond quotes from South Park

Sheila

Dug her up? Why?

Well. The most likely reason is that somebody wanted to have sex with her dead body.

Yep.

Sheila

What?!

Uh-huh, we don't want to upset you, but it happens. Somebody's probably making love to her corpse as we speak.

Every vile position, every disrespectful act imaginable.

Sheila

Oh, dear God!

Yes. By now he's probably even removed her eyes and made love to the empty sockets as well.

Sheila

[sadly rubs her eyes] Ooh.

Now, we don't want to upset you, but you should know that your mother's body would be stiff and dry, so he would have to have it soaked in warm water for several hours before making love to it.

Sheila

Ooh!

Yes. And, now for the difficult part.

Brace yourself.

It is highly possible that he has created new orifices in her decomposing flesh, leaving her to look something like an over loved hunk of Swiss cheese. She probably--

Sheila

Okay, okay! I get the point! Just tell me what you're going to do about it!

Do?

Oh, we don't do anything. We're just the watchmen.

Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might want to call the police or something.

Alright. Would you have sex with your son to save his life? [the others ponder the question]

Oh, this is one of them Scruples questions, ain't it?

No, no, I got a better one: Would you have sex with your mother to save your father's life?

[wondering] Woo, yeah.

Oh, like if someone had a gun to your father's head and said, "Have sex with your mother or else I'll shoot him"?

Yeah.

Oh, that's a tough one.

Hmm.

No no wait, uh, you don't understand.

How about if someone made you have sex with your mother and father to save your own life?

No, no, no way. No.

But if it was to save my mother's life, uh-I think I would have to have sex with my father.

Yep.

Me, too.

Well, I think that goes without saying.

Well actually, I'm just...talking about a son.

Well, personally, I would have sex with my son to save to save my mother's life. It depends, uh- how big a gun are we talking here?

Uh, he doesn't have a gun.

The father doesn't have a gun?

No! Nobody's got a gun!

I think if someone said, "Have sex with your mother or else I'm gonna kill your son," but he didn't have a gun, I wouldn't do it.

He could have a knife, though.

Yeah.

Sure.

Yeah, a knife.

If a killer put a knife to my throat, and said, "Have sex with your father or else I'm gonna kill your mother while having sex with you," I would have sex with myself.

They're just gonna let us starve to death?

They don't care about us. face it! We're already dead to them.

[makes up his mind] Well then, I guess I might as well eat! [walks towards the storage room]

There's nothing left, I told you!

There's plenty of pizza dough.

Are you crazy?!

I'm crazy hungry! [takes a wad of dough and begins eating it] Oh... Oh... Fuck, it's so good. [Randy and Mr. Garrison wait for the other shoe to drop] I want more! It's, it's been so long! [gets more dough and eats voraciously]

Oh my God, you... but... you're okay.

You don't think it's a little ridiculous that wheat protein is toxic? This whole thing was a setup, man!

A setup? But by who?

Oh my God, we... we have to get a hold of someone who and get the word out.

Maybe Papa John can help us. If we can get a hold of them, then maybe we can-- [his penis quickly flies off and dies]

Ng-oh. [snaps his fingers]