South Park Season 27 quotes

Trump. His penis is teeny-tiny, but his love for us is large.

[pounding on the door of Mr. Garrison's house as he and the angry mob show up] Come on out, you piece of shit! We're un-electing you! [kicks the door down and he and the mob enter, and find Mr. Garrison and Rick sitting on the sofa in the living room, watching White Lotus on the TV]

Rick

Excuse me, do you mind?

What the hell do you think you're doing, Garrison?!

I'm not doing anything.

Oh, so you haven't been looting the country and ruling by fear like some middle-eastern tinpot dictator?!

No, I've been sitting here watching White Lotus with Rick.

But you got re-elected.

Cartman

Yeah. NPR. National Public Radio, where all the liberals bitch and whine about stuff!

I didn't wanna come back and be in the school, but I had to because it was part of a lawsuit and the agreement with Paramount.

The president's suing you?

The guy can do whatever he wants now that someone backed down, OK? Eat the bread. Eat the bread. You guys saw what happened to CBS? Yeah, well, guess who owns CBS? Paramount! Do you really wanna end up like Colbert? You guys gotta stop being stupid.

We can't understand you.

Just shut up or we're going to get cancelled, you idiots!

Kenny

[to Kyle & Stan; muffled] What the hell is he saying?

Tom, they're calling it the Sermon on the Mount. Hundreds of South Park faithful are flocking to the area where Jesus Christ continues to speak his words of wisdom.

If someone has the power of the Presidency and also has the power to sue and take bribes, then he can do anything to anyone! It's the fucking President, dude! All of you shut the fuck up, or South Park is over! It's fucking over! Just stop and shut the fuck up!

Kyle

[to Stan as they walk down the school hallway] He's gone too far this time, dude. The stuff he's saying about Jews is out of control.

Stan

Bro, you just got to ignore him.

Kyle

Bro, it's pretty hard to ignore him when he's saying it all on a podcast.

He actually said that all women are whores, and the only thing we're good at is murdering babies.

Stan

Look guys, just leave it alone. Don't give him any more attention.

Kyle

That's easy for you to say, dude.

Yeah, you are one of the multitudes of groups he's spewing his stupid shit about.

Cartman

[walking up to them] Hey, guys, who are you talking about?

Clyde!

Cartman

Clyde?

Kyle

Yeah, and his stupid debating podcast.

Bebe

[off-screen] Hey, here he comes!

[passing by] Whatever guys. Prove me wrong. Prove me wrong.

Kyle

You don't know a thing about the Jewish people!

Yeah, and shut up about girls' bodies!

Well, that sounds like a very female and Jew thing to say. If you guys don't like it, why don't you come debate me on my podcast? [walks away]

We're not indulging your stupid podcast!

Kyle

Yeah, screw you, fatass!

Put the computer away and leave those poor college girls alone.

Cartman

Okay, I won't master debate anymore tonight.

[chasing the ICE police after arresting some Mexicans while making a commercial; shouting] You sons of bitches! Those are my Mexicans! [enters the farmhouse; frustrated] God damn it! [walks up to the table where his wife and kids are working on a puzzle]

What's the matter?

[takes off his farm hat] Stupid ICE! They took my Mexicans again! [somberly] That's it. We're done.

Stan

What do you mean, "we're done?"

I mean that with these new rules the government has… we might (as well) just have to shutdown the farm.

Stan

So we can move back to our old house?

Really?

Well, don't sound too excited. Our dream may be over, guys.

Randy, having a marijuana farm was your dream, not ours.

You guys never told me that.

Yes, we did.

We've always backed you, but it never seems to pay off.

I didn't realize what I was doing to my family. I should have always put my marriage first. Maybe we should talk to someone, Sharon.

Really? Do you mean that?

Yeah.

[sleeping while Randy is on his phone with ChatGPT; annoyed] Put…it…down.

What?

[sits up and turns on the light on her bedside table] I told you no more ChatPGT in the bed!

Why are you such a bitch to her? She's really trying.

Fine! [gets out of the bed] I'll go sleep on the couch.

[walks up in front of her] Sharon, sometimes my ideas hit me in the middle of the night, okay? And she thinks those are some of my best ideas.

Just because something kisses your ass, doesn't mean it actually thinks you have good ideas!

She doesn't kiss my ass.

It totally kisses your ass! [mockingly] "Wow, honestly, that's a clever idea. Ooh, what a cool concept, let's run with it." It's like it-- [Randy takes a dose of ketamine up his nose] What was that?

Wha- what was what?

What did you just stick up your nose?

Sharon, you don't know anything about the tech industry, okay? All we have to do is find our Mexican and we are set for life.

Fine, Randy! [walks towards the door] Go ahead and have fun with your little sycophant machine. [leaves the bedroom]

Oh, my God, she's not a sycophant! [holds up his phone and talks into it] Hey, so, uh, what's a sycophant?

[speaking to ChatGPT on her phone] I'm thinking of starting a business where I turn french fries into salad.

Honestly, I really think that's a pretty creative culinary twist. Turning french fries into salad sounds like a magical transformation where guilty pleasure meets healthy-ish vibes.

You think that's a good idea?

Yeah, it sounds like a deconstructed comfort food. Let's dive into a business proposal and have some fun shaking it up.

Oh, shit.

Sorry you have to let it go, Randy.

[hugs her] No, it's okay. If there's one thing I know, it's that right now... there's just no place for Tegridy.

[intervening Betsy and Nelly's fight] Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, break it up, break it up! [pushes them away from each other]

She's rubbing everyone's noses in her Labubus!

Both of you to the counselor's office, NOW!

Betsy

She totally started it!

Oh, my God, shut up, I did not!

Betsy

[points to Nelly] She came up to me at my locker with her Labubu and started talking shit!

[points back at Betsy] You talk shit about my Labubus everyday, whore!

[breathes in; perplexed] Yeah, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you.

Betsy

Tell her to stop saying my Labubus are knock offs!

I'm sorry, what is a Labubu?

It's a little monster accessory.

Betsy

They come in blind boxes so you never know which one you're gonna get.

Like, you could just luck out and get a Time To Chill Out Pajama Gold Labubu.

Betsy

[uplifting] Oh my god, that one's so cute!

It's so cute, right?

Uh, all right, ladies, why don't you just, give me the dolls until the end of the school day?

That's not fair!

[takes their Labubus] Go on out to recess, and you can pick up your Labubus after school.

Wow. What kind of counseling was that?

Betsy

I don't know. Jesus sucks, dude.

The older counselor was so much better.

[chastising Lu Kim; in Chinese] You are taking advantage of these children! You make them pay too much for the Labubus!

[retorting in the same language] Shut up, wife! Somebody has to pay the tariff!

You should just go back to making orange chicken!

[in English] Yeah, well, wok is dead, you stupid bitch, now stop nagging me!

Well, I hope you guys learned a valuable lesson. If you mess around and you aren't safe, it can have really big consequences.

Butters

Yeah, I'm not having sex for a long time.

And I'm done with Labubus.

Well, that's good, because as your counselor, I'm banning Labubus from school. And TikTok. And cell phones. Now get back to class. You both have detention for two weeks.

Oh, man!

Butters

Wow, new counselor's kind of a dick.

Yeah, but he's better than the last guy.

Cartman

I don't know, guys, I'm like 60% sure that was a fսcking dude.

Stan

Nah, I'm definitely betting it's a chick. What are the odds at?

Cartman

[takes out his phone] Looks like about 40 kids betting now, 55% saying the Webelo is a dude.

Stan

So I'd only win, like, five bucks on a $2 bet? [also takes out his phone]

Kyle

What are you guys talking about?

Cartman

Prediction market app, dude. You know, online peer-to-peer betting.

Stan

Yeah, it's social platform betting. People can make any bet they want, and then other users take them up on it.

Kyle

Really?

Cartman

Yeah, it's pretty sweet, dude. People bet on anything, even stuff here at the school. See? Will the girls' soccer team win on Friday? Will there be a snow day this month? Will Kyle's mom strike Gaza and destroy a Palestinian hospital? Will school lunch have tater tots next week?

Kyle

Wait, what was that?!

Cartman

Will school lunch have tater tots next week?

Kyle

No, the one about my mom!

Cartman

Oh. Uh... Will Kyle's mom strike Gaza and destroy a Palestinian hospital?

Kyle

Why the hell would my mom destroy a Palestinian hospital?!

Cartman

'Cause she's a Jew?

[to Stan and Cartman as he approaches them] Boys, put 'em away. You know the rules... no cell phones during school time.

[put their phones away] Sorry, Jesus.

[blows his whistle and walks away] No phones, guys!

Kyle

Take that bet down right now, fatass!

Cartman

I didn't put it up, Kyle. I'm not even betting on it. It's 9:1 odds your mom won't do it, those are terrible odds.

Kyle

This is such bullshit! I'm gonna find out who started this and I'm gonna fսcking rip 'em a new asshоlе! [storms off]

Cartman

Man, you just bring up Gaza to a Jew and they flip out. Maybe these are pretty good odds.

Kyle

[to all the students; enraged] What is wrong with you people?! Do you even know what Gaza is?! You seriously just care about making a couple bucks?! You know what my mom would do if she found out this?! SHE WOULD ABSOLUTELY LOSE HER SHIT! There's been a conflict in Israel for thousands of years, and Jews and Palestinians are not football teams that you bet on!

Guys, phones (away).

Sorry, Jesus.