Tweek quotes from South Park

Aah!! Too much pressure!!

Stan

Great. Lotta help you are, kid.

The Gnomes!

Stan

What?

We can do our report on the Gnomes.

Stan

Doesn't it give any other directions?

Butters

Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to r-roll it over your wiener. [reading the disclaimer] If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studses. [STD's]

Kyle

What are studses?

Butters

Huh...how the heck should I know? [opens condom] Why, it's just a little doughnut! [touches it] Oh, ohhhh...it's all gooey!

Cartman

Just put it on, Butters.

Butters

How come I got to go first?

Cartman

Butters, will you stop uh-...filibustering?

Butters

Oh all right then. [turns around and pulls his pants down] Oh, it's all sticky.

Kyle

It says you gotta check it for holes or tears.

Butters

I don't even understand how this thing-oh, wait. Oh, I see. [Cartman looks over]

Stan

Don't look at Butters's schlong, gay mo!

Cartman

I wasn't looking at his schlong! I was seeing how to put the condom on!

Kyle

Sure...

Butters

But it won't stay on. I need a rubber band or something.

Gah! I got rubber bands!

Butters

[fastening the condom with rubber bands] Ow! Oh... ow! Okay... ow! There... okay, I think it's on.

Stan

How do you feel?

Butters

...Pretty good.

Cartman

Do you feel protected?

Butters

Yeah, I don't think nothing's getting in my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it.

Stan

All right, here, everybody. Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Somebody needs to help Timmy get his condom on.

TIMMEH!

But, what if when I'm trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?

Stan

Tweek, when has that ever happened, except that one time?

Hello there, children.

Stan

Chef, what would a priest want stick in our butts?

Good-bye.

Nobody's going to tell us! This is gonna drive me insane!

Kyle

Calm down, Tweek. There has to be a rational explanation.

Yeah... Maybe we could melt the governor's icy heart with a cool island song!

Yeah!

No!

No?

No! He's right. We have to freeze his hot heart with a cool island song.

Or is it freshen his hot temper with a cool island song?

Let's cool his hot temper with a fresh island song.

That's it!

[from atop a cliff looking down upon the entourage in the canyon] Hello!

The kid? The Tweaked-out kid?!

[leveling a bazooka] I'm gonna blow up the print, Spielberg.

Your persistence surprises even me.

Surely you don't think you can escape from this premiere.

That depends on how reasonable we're all going to be. All I want are my friends.

Cartman

Wow!

Except for Cartman. You can keep him!

Cartman

Ey!

[to the eight Asian girls in the school lobby as they're drawing; holding up a picture of himself pushing Tweek on a swing, and Tweek enjoying it] Uh, excuse me, why are you doing this?

Oh, hi, Craig. [speaking Korean to another Asian girl] He's wearing a different shirt today.

[also speaking Korean] How do you know what's underneath his jacket?

What? What did she say?

I don't know. That was Korean. I'm Japanese.

What is going on, huh?! Me and him aren't together! Why is this happening?!

Alright, guys, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around. Just wanted to check in, see if you have any questions for me.

Why are the Asian girls drawing pictures of us being gay?

What's wrong with being gay? Nothing is wrong with that.

But we aren't! I'm not!

I'm not either!

That is completely irrelevant, okay? What matters, and the reason I brought you in here, is that you understand affirmative consent.

What's that?

If there is a romantic relationship here, you have to make sure your partner is comfortable with any sexual exploration.

Agh!

Now, in a gay relationship it gets a little trickier, but you still have to follow some guidelines, alright?

But I'm not gay!!

I don't care about that, bro! Tweek, if—and I'm only saying if—at some point you wanted to touch Craig's penis, you just can't go grabbing for it. Alright? You need to say something like, "Craig, is it alright with you if I touch your penis?" Okay? Let's try it out.

No!

You want two weeks' detention instead? This is important!

[beat] ..Craig, can I touch your penis?

Okay, good. Now Craig, you might say, "You may touch my penis. I'm comfortable with that." [Craig stays still for a long beat] Or, of course, you could say, "No, you may not touch my penis at this time."

No, you may not!

Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Now Craig, what would you say if you wanted to take a gander at Tweek's asshole?

You got a fuckin' problem, man?! [shoves Tweek]

You're the one with the fuckin' problem! [shoves Craig in return]

I told you to stay 100 yards from me!

You better not fucking push me again, man!

I went through your phone when we went out last night, Craig. I saw your text to Michael about hooking up with him!

Wait, uh, that's, that's not what happened.

Oh, it's not?!

No. Uh, look, we both know this is for the better.

Oh, don't use that lame shit on me, man! You don't wanna feel bad, so you try and tell me what I want?

Wait, don't make me out to be the bad guy here.

[tearing up; voice cracks] No-ho, you're not the bad guy! You're never the bad guy, are you?! You, you just step on people and you use them!

You're going too far, dude. This is like, totally not necessary.

I'm going too far?! What is wrong with you?!

This wasn't part of the plan!

Well, guess what, Craig?! Love doesn't follow a plan!

Butters

Yeah!

I was totally wrong about you. I opened myself up and let you in. But you've got spikes, man. You've got spikes.

[standing in front of the doorway of the Tucker residence as Thomas answers] Hi, is Craig here, sir?

Why can't you quit him.

Thomas.

Five minutes. He's in the back.

Oh, my god! What is that?! What is that?!

It's probably nothing. Everything's fine.

Will you please stop saying that?! I can't take it!

I'm trying to make you feel better!

Well, maybe I don't want to feel better right now!

Okay, but think about that. That actually doesn't make any sense.

Why do you have to be so logical?! I don't need you to problem-solve all the time! I need you to... [yells] I don't know!

Tweek, honey. All week, you've been freaking out and I've been the one forced to deal with it.

You haven't been dealing with it! You've been trying to make it go away because my emotions are freaking you out!

Tweek, North Korea isn't bombing anyone. They would lose the support of China, and that would be -

There you go again! Stop preaching facts to me! It's not what I need!

Well, I'm sorry that I'm actually in control of my goddamn emotions, you baby! [beat] Oh, see? Now you made me lose control of my emotions. Goddamn it.

[screams] What?! Why would he say that?!

Tweek, calm down.

Tweek! What's going on?

What?! What do you mean what's going on?! The same shit that's been going on!

Nothing's gotten any better?! Oh, my God! How does that make you feel?

I feel scared! I feel alone!

That must be horrible to feel that way! It must be hard for you to even think!

It is! [jumps off the bed] It's terrible!

I bet it's terrible! What else are you feeling?

Like - Like I have no control over my life! Like I'm just a pawn in a big game.

Oh, that's a terrifying thought. You must feel trapped!

Yeah, like trapped but, like, completely unable to even move!

Jesus! It's like there's no solution to any of this! What are you gonna do? What can you do?!

I don't know! It's-It's like maybe-maybe I have to find a way to feel a little in charge of me again.

That sounds so insurmountable, though. How would you even start?

I don't know, but I-I gotta do something about this. There's gotta be a way I can... [calms, turns to Craig and smiles] Thank you, Craig.

[comforting Tweek] There there, Tweek. Everything is going to be okay.

I saw what I saw, Craig! You have to believe me!

Stan

What's going on?

Tweek's having a panic attack.

It was real! He tried to get me!

Kyle

Who did?

The President!

It's just your imagination, Tweek.

Stan

It's not his imagination. I saw him too.

Kyle

You saw the President?

Stan

Out by the quarry. But I didn't believe it. I said, "How could this be?"

Heidi

"The President?" I saw him too. He had a blue suit and an orange face. He kept asking me "How are my ap-"

Token

"How are my approval ratings?" I saw him too.

Stan

Dude, isn't this all really familiar? I saw something just like this on that show called Stranger-

Stranger Things. Stranger Things is the show. I saw it too.

But wait, isn't Stranger Things just like that movie-?

Cartman

Just like that movie IT.

You saw IT too?

Cartman

Yeah, I saw IT in the theater.

Token

I saw Stranger Things and IT.

Jesus, I don't think anyone's imagining anything. I think the President IS here. You kids get inside somewhere. I have to warn the town! [gets on his bike and rides off, only to fall on his face] Aw!