Mr. Mackey quotes from South Park

I'm tired of your right-wing authoritative bullshit!

Uh, smoking's bad, m'kay? If you start smoking at an early age, it's gonna be bad, m'kay? [The fire quickly spreads across the whole school; Mr. Mackey remains unaware] Smoking can lead to all kinds of health problems like cancer. M'kay, let me tell you something about cancer. Uh, cancer's bad, m'kay, and, uh--[realizes that the school is burning] What? What the? HOLY SHIT!! M'kay?

[reading a note from the sex ed "question box"] "Mr. Mackey is gay." OK, kids, that's not funny, m'kay! This box is supposed to be used for serious questions, about serious issues, m'kay? Let's stop the tomfoolery. M'kay, let's look at a real one here. "Dear Mr. Mackey, you are gay." All right, all right, that is enough, kids! Let's quiet down and try to be mature, m'kay! Here we go, m'kay. "Mr. Mackey, sometimes my parents hit me...and you are gay." Dammit is there not one serious question in here?! [quietly going through notes] "Mr. Mackey's gay..." "Mr. Mackey's gay..." Okay, here: "I am a boy at South Park Elementary. Sometimes when I'm sitting in class, my penis becomes hard for no reason. What should I do?"

Now you might all think I've given up finding out who crapped in the urinal, m'kay? And maybe, maybe you think it's a victimless crime. [walks up to the school janitor, who's a Latino] This is Mr. Venezuela, the school janitor, m'kay? He's the person who has to clean up when some trickster drops a dook in the wrong toilet! Mr. Venezuela makes six bucks an hour at best, m'kay? He's got three kids at home, he's got a car that barely works, he's gotta clean up puke with sawdust, m'kay? Then he walks into the boys' room and sees a big meaty chud staring him in the face! So when you crapped in that urinal, m'kay, you might as well have just dropped your pants and laid a turd right on Mr. Venezuela's head! [the boys laugh] Oh, you think it's funny, huh?!

Attention students. Apparently Clyde could not have been the one who crapped in the urinal, because Clyde had a colostomy at age five, m'kay? Now whoever did this unspeakable act is still at large. The boys' bathroom is closed until further notice. 'Cause one of you thought it would be a good idea...to pull down your pants, m'kay... [cut to the hall; all the students there are listening] ...hover your butt cheeks over the urinal... and squeeze out a chocolate hot dog, m'kay? [the students laugh] Oh, you think that's funny, huh?! [cut back to Mr. Mackey] Let me assure you, there is nothing funny...about going up to a nice, clean, unsuspecting urinal... [cut to the gym; the students there have stopped practicing basketball to listen] ...m'kay, dropping your pants and then...turning around...squatting over that urinal...m'kay, maybe, maybe pulling your butt cheeks apart with your hands, m'kay...and then laying out a big fudge dragon for all the world to see. [the gym students laugh] Oh yeah, that's REAL funny! [cut back to Mr. Mackey as he slams the mic down in anger] I'm gonna catch this son of a bitch if it's the last thing I do, m'kay?!

When you dook in the urinal, it's bad, m'kay? How would you feel if somebody came into your home, m'kay, pulled down their pants and laid a big mud monkey right on your mom's face? [Stan laughs] Oh, you think that's funny, huh?! Yeah, that's REAL funny!

Stan

Boo!

Who was that? That is not appropriate behavior, m'kay?

Stan

[imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] I'm sorry Mr. Mackey, m'kay.

That's okay. Just don't let it happen again, m'kay.

Kyle

[imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] We won't let it happen again Mr. Mackey, m'kay.

Now, young man, uh... ...school is a time for learning, not for immature skylarkings.

Stan

What's skylarkings?

You know, like tomfooleries.

Stan

Who?

Oh, your parents are here.

Stan

Oh, no.

Thank you for coming on such short notice. I was just disciplining your son for his skylarkings.

Stanley, I... Skylarkings?

Yeahm'kay?

Stanley, I want you to explain to me why you were passing notes in school.

Randy, let me handle this. Now Stanley, I want you to explain to me why you were passing notes in school.

Stan

It wasn't my note, dude. It was some girl's.

Okay, Stanley, we're all here to get to the root of your behavior disorder.

You really should know better, Stanley.

You need to shape up, mister.

[To Randy.] Don't interrupt me! You always interrupt me when I talk! Can't you see that I?--

[A bit testily.] I don't interrupt you.

There, you did it again! [To Mr. Mackey.] He interrupted me again.

Okay, uh -- perhaps you should let your wife finish talking, Mr. Marsh. Now, Stan, I want you to be...

Okay, I'm sorry I interrupt. But she always takes over any conversation!

I am tired of seeing you in my office, young man! You get sent here every day, Craig!

I know.

Why can't you behave?

..I don't know.

What do you have to say for yourself? [silent pause] Well, I tell you what, young man. Uh, you're going to be held back a grade if you don't luh— [Craig sticks his right middle finger up] Did you just flip me off?!

[lowering his middle finger] No.

Yes you did, you just flipped me the bird! Now see, this is exactly what I'm talking about! If you don't shape up, m'kay, and get your head straight— [Craig sticks up his right middle finger again] There! You just flipped me off again!

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did! And until you stop flipping people off, you can just go back to the waiting room! M'kay? Next! [as Craig leaves, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman enter] Well, well, well, if it isn't Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Eric.

Kyle

Hey, Craig.

Cartman

Hey, don't flip me off, you son of a bitch!

Every year the fourth-graders do The Miracle Worker and every year I have to sit and watch it.

Yeah, I swore that if I had to see it one more time I'd put a bullet in my head. But luckily I got really stoned before I came.

Cartman

All right, I don't know who the hell put you all up to this, but I am not going to some gay-ass fat camp!

Now, Eric, all these people are doing this because we care about you, m'kay?

Except for me. I just wanted to see the look on your face when we told you.

Eric, what the heck are you doing?

Cartman

I'm putting on a new condom. I filled the other one up.

Why are you wearing a condom?

Cartman

So I don't get AIDS.

Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting around. You have to get it from sex.

Stan

Dude, it looks like Cartman and Kenny are ditching school again.

Kyle

[he and Stan take their seats] Yeah, they're gonna get busted again.

[enters carrying a few books] Alright, class, let's take our seats. [seats the book down on her desk and turns to the class] Now, uh, before we get started, Stan and Kyle? Uh, the principal needs to see you in her office.

Stan

The principal? Aw, come on!

Kyle

We don't know where Cartman is, Ms. Choksondik!

She needs to see you now. [points to the door. Stan and Kyle leave their seats, Kyle leading Stan]

Kyle

Aw man, here we go again! Use the Jew as a scapegoat.

Hello, boys.

Stan

Wait. What's going on here? [he and Kyle back up a bit. Their parents join them]

Kyle

Alright, we don't know for sure why Cartman is ditching school, but it has something to do with abortion. That's all we know.

[Chef has joined the principal and Mr. Mackey] You didn't do anything wrong boys. We just need to talk to you. Have a seat. [the boys each take a chair and sit down] Boys, uh... your little friend Kenny went to the hospital last night, m'kay. [the boys look stunned] And well, he's pretty sick. [Sharon leans on Randy]

Kyle

Kenny's sick?

Stan

Well, how sick?

Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with a... terminal disease.

Stan

[after a pause] ...But... the doctors are gonna make him better, right?

Oh dear. [buries her face in Randy's shoulder]

Stan

Mom, that's what hospitals are for. They, they can make him better.

Randy...

They don't think so, Stanley. Your friend is terminally ill, and that means.. Well son,... th- that means he's going to be going to heaven soon.

Kyle

Wait. Kenny's going to die?

He might, Kyle.

Stan

[tearing up] ...But... he's out... fu... fufu- friend.

We know, and that's why he's going to need you boys to be strong for him, m'kay? He needs you now more than ever.

Stan

No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die! Kenny can't die!! [buries his face in Randy's arm and begins sobbing]

Now, who can tell me when the first moon landing took place? Uh, how about you, Clyde?

Nineteen-sixty--

No helping!

I'm not really sure having all the parents here is a good idea, m'kay?

Well, maybe things would be better if we could trust people like the Stotches!

Us? Your family's always been the shifty-eyed ones!

Oh yeah? [all the parents argue]