Father Maxi quotes from South Park

It is sometimes hard, in times like these, to understand God's way. Why would He allow nine innocent people to be run down in the prime of their lives by a senior citizen who, perhaps, shouldn't be driving? It is then that we must understand, God's sense of humor is very different from our own. He does not laugh at the simple "man walks into a bar" joke. No, God needs complex irony and subtle farcical twists that seem macabre to you and me. All that we can hope for is that God got His good laugh and a tragedy such as this will never happen again.

Cartman

And that was about everything from first grade. And then last year...you can't tell anybody about this stuff, right?

Your confession does not leave this box.

Cartman

Okay, because last year, I took a sandwich that the priest of this church had been eating.

Oh. Well, I'm sure he would forgive you...if he...knew.

Cartman

No but I'm not finished yet. I took the sandwich that the priest was eating, took the piece of ham out of it, put it between my butt cheeks, and then put the sandwich back and watched him eat it.

[annoyed] I see.

Cartman

And then this other time, I went pee pee in the holy water thing, and the priest blessed himself on the forehead with it every day for about a week. And then this one time, I was at the park, and the priest was out walking his dog, and I went number two on the sidewalk, and then told Officer Barbrady that it was the priest's dog, so then the priest got fined like $100 for not picking it up. And then this one time, I put superglue all over the priest's bottom...

Well, what do you suggest we change, Father Maxi?

Well, for one, no sex with boys.

Awwwwww! Rabble rabble rabble!

Well, maybe we could change the law to say that it's okay for a priest to have sex...with women.

Ah! Rabble rabble rabble rabble!

The Gilgamek vagina is three feet wide and filled with razor sharp teeth. Do you really expect us to have sex with them?

Right, maybe we should forget about the Gelgameks for right now.

Forget about the Gelgameks?!

Ah! Rabble rabble rabble rabble!

Hail, Queen Spider!

Queen spider?

O, Great Queen Spider, we seek your guidance.

What do you ask of me?

Great Queen Spider, we wish to change one of the Vatican rules.

The Vatican rules cannot be changed, so sayeth the spider.

Go on, Priest Maxi, see if you can convince her.

(furious) Alright, that does it! I have had ENOUGH! You people have COMPLETELY LOST TOUCH with the outside world! You sit in this big room with your Gilgameks and your Queen Spider and none of it applies to what being a Catholic is all about!

But the Holy Document of Vatican Law states that--

TO HELL WITH THE HOLY DOCUMENT OF VATICAN LAW!

Gone...it's all gone.

Well, thanks a lot, Father Maxi; you've killed our religion.

No, I didn't! All that's dead are your stupid laws and rules.

(continuing) You've forgotten what being a Catholic is all about: this book. You see, these are just stories. Stories that are meant to help guide people [cut back to Vatican] in the right direction. "Love your neighbor", "be a good person", [cut to the Williams family watching] that's it! And when you start [cut back to Vatican] turning the stories into literal translations of hierarchies and power, well...well you end up with this.

People are losing faith because they don't see how what [cut to Marsh residence] you've turned the religion into applies to them. They've lost touch with any idea of any kind of religion, [cut to the Tweak residence] and when they have no mythology to try and live their lives by, well, they just start spewing a bunch of crap out of their mouths!

(distracted) What was that last bit?

Look, I'm proud to be a Catholic, but I'm a Catholic in the real world - in today's world! It's time for you all to do that too. It is time...for change.

He's right, Sharon. We don't have to believe every word of the Bible, they're just stories to help us live by. We shouldn't toss away the lessons of the Bible just because some assholes in Italy screwed it up.

Oh, Randy, I don't wanna put food up my butt anymore.

Gang, I think maybe we owe God an apology.

Stan Marsh

Does this mean we have to go to church on Sundays again?

No, it means we get to, son. It means...we get to.

I've called you all here because South Park has an image problem. Thanks to Mr. Garrison, we are now being referred to as the "shitheads of America". One of our more politically sensitive citizens has proposed an idea for this crisis and I'd like you to hear him out. [Randy takes the dais]

Hello everyone, I'm Randy Marsh, and I've been PC for almost two weeks now. You know, we've all been making changes to be more socially conscious, but have we really done enough? The truth is, there's something we're lacking as a community, and it's time we all faced it. What this town needs... is a Whole Foods.

It would instantly validate us as a town that cares about stuff.

We couldn't get a Whole Foods to open here!

And why not?! Huh?! We all just don't believe we can get a Whole Foods! Because we don't believe in ourselves!

Where could it even go?

Mayor?

I'm announcing a plan for Sodomy—a new urban development that will turn the most rundown and dilapidated part of our town into a quaint center of artisan shops and cafés.

Lots of cities are dong this. The area south of downtown South Park has always been the ugly eyesore of this town. But now, SoDoSoPa... is going to bring in the fresh new vibrancy that Whole Foods can't ignore!