Liane quotes from South Park

[talking to Mrs. Stotch on the phone] Actually, Eric is still supposed to be grounded for trying to exterminate the Jews two weeks ago.

[walking out] Eric, you want to say hi to Grandpa?

Meow.

Cartman

No, Kitty, this is my pot pie!

Meow.

Cartman

No, Kitty, s'bad Kitty!

Meow.

Cartman

NO, KITTY, S'MY POT PIE!

[hisses at Cartman]

Cartman

MOM! KITTY'S BEING A DILDO!

Well, then I know a certain Kitty-Kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.

Cartman

What?

Cartman

Well, what a day this has been. I was on TV and I'm a hero. [Cartman's mother appears after he picks his nose]

Don't pick your nose, hon.

Cartman

GOD DAMN IT, MOM, I WASN'T PICKING IT! I HAD AN ITCH!!

Cartman

T-Tooth? What the hell? Mom!

Yes, Eric.

Cartman

You know, the tooth fairy forgot to bring me money last night! Call the police!

Oh. Eric, poopie, sit down. Mommy has something to tell you. It's just that...well...there is no tooth fairy, Eric. I've been putting all that money under your pillow. And because you had so many teeth fall out, I've actually run out of money and can't go to the grocery store for at least a month.

Cartman

You almost had me for a second there, Mom. Heh. "There's no tooth fairy." I suppose you're gonna tell me there's no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Jesus, either. Heh heh. [She doesn't respond] ...M-Mom?

I'm sorry, Eric. All children find out sooner or later.

Cartman

Y-you're serious here. There really is no tooth fairy?

No, honey. It's just--

Cartman

How could--? How could you lie to me, mother? Lie right to my face?

Oh, Eric, it's just part of being a child.

Cartman

How can I trust you? How can I trust anyone ever again, mother? I guess, uh to make it through this life, I can only trust myself.

And so, that's the situation. All the boys are out there somewhere with a... pornographic videotape.

Sheila

Oh, God! This-this is horrible!

All right, calm down! Now, just how bad of a porno tape are we talking here? I mean, was it like... Crotch Capers 3?

I'm afraid it was... Backdoor Sluts 9.

BACKDOOR SLUTS 9!?!

It's that bad?

Backdoor Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!

I-It is the single most vile, twisted... dark piece of porn ever made.

Sheila

[lightly slaps Gerald] How the hell do you know?!

I...uh... I-I-I read about it in People.

Sheila

[to Randy and Sharon] Oh, this is just great! How could you two be so careless?!

We're sorry!

Well, Sheila, we can't shelter our boys forever from these things. Maybe it's okay for them to see an adult film.

Sheila

Not without their parents to put it in a proper context! They won't understand what they're seeing!

I-It can't hurt 'em that much, can it?

Butters

[grasping the window outside] Precious!! Let me see my precious! Please!!

Cartman

Mom!

What is it, sweetie?

Cartman

Ben Affleck is naked in my bed!

Oooh, looks like the tooth fairy was extra happy with you!

Cartman

You're sterile, is that it? No, that's too convenient of an excuse. The truth is, nobody ever wanted to have babies with you. Isn't that it? Always the mom's maid and never the mom? Must be hard on you, knowing that the years are ticking away, your friends all getting married, and all the while your uterus is slowly shriveling away, drying up, becoming totally worthless.

[horrified] Why, you...you LITTLE BASTARD! How dare you?!

[calmly] Eric, naughty.

[picking Cartman up by the collar] What kind of monster would--

Cartman

Yes, let the anger come! Strike me down while you can! But it won't make your dried-up ovaries any more fertile!

That's it! I'm not doing this!

Oh, but we really need some help.

Find yourself another nanny... television show!

I'm afraid Supernanny is in a deep state of mental psychosis.

What do you mean?

I mean, she spends most of her time sobbing and eating her own excrement.

From hell! It's from heeell!

And then we'll go to Target, and...I'll buy you a Mega Ranger?

Cartman

Could I have...two Mega Rangers?

You can have anything you want, dear.

Cartman

Alright, major stone shield potions... should be... oh God, I'm gonna have diarrhea again. Aaaaagh... doo!

Stan

You can't go to the bathroom, you're stacking sunder armor!

Cartman

It's okay. [over intercom] Mom! Bathroom!

What, hon?

Cartman

Bathroom! Bathroom!

Ooh, that's a big boy, isn't he? [exits with the poop-filled bedpan]

Cartman

Alright, Kenny, drink your elixir of the mongoose. I'm now going to use mocking blow.

Wake up. Wake up, honey.

Cartman

It's over?

That's right, you did it.

Cartman

It's over. I didn't feel anything. You were right, Mom.

I'm so proud of you, Eric.

Cartman

All right, so where's my ice cream?

Oh. Here's the doctor now. Hi, doctor.

Cartman

You were right, doctor. Everything is okay.

No, it's not. Eric, I'm afraid that we've accidentally infected you with the AIDS virus.

[shocked] What?!

Cartman

What's that supposed to mean?

During the tonsil surgery, we had to supply you with donor blood, a mistake was made and you were given blood contaminated with HIV. It was a one in a billion fluke.

Cartman

I have AIDS?!

Not yet, but we confirmed that you now have the virus that causes AIDS. We are very sorry.

Cartman

Sorry?! You gave me AIDS and you're sorry?!

I think I owe you some ice cream. [a nurse serves Cartman two ice cream sundaes; Cartman shoves them away angrily]

Cartman

Oh, FUCK your ice cream! You said I'd be fine! You ALL SAID I'd be fine!

[crying] Oh, my baby has HIV!

Cartman

No! Noooo!

[calling from downstairs] Wendy?!

Yeah?

We need to talk you, right now! [Wendy leaves her room and comes downstairs to the living room, she and her husband are both very displeased] Wendy, have you been bullying kids at school?

What? No.

Well, do you want to explain why this little boy's mother had to come talk to us?

Did you tell this little boy you were going to beat him up?

You don't understand. He said horrible things.

Cartman

[sobbing and sniffling] The thing is I totally said I was sorry. But she still wants to beat me up. [grabs Liane's blouse and cries into it as she comforts him]

Wendy, no matter what a person says, you don't respond with violence. Haven't we taught you that?

Cartman

[still sniffling] The thing is, Wendy, I really think you're awesome, and I know I'm just a nerdy little weakling to you, but, I want to be your friend, because I don't have that many friends in schooool. [starts crying even harder as Liane continues to comfort him]

Wendy, you tell this little boy you aren't going to hurt him!

Mom, you don't--

Now, young lady.

[to Cartman] I'm not going to hurt you.

If there is any word of you fighting at school, it's over for you, missy. Do you understand?

Yes, sir.

We're so sorry about this, Mrs. Cartman.

Oh, no, thank you so much for your time.

It really won't happen again.

You're very sweet. Thank you again. Come on, muffin.

Cartman

[stops making faces and looks up at her, then joins her as she walks to the front door] Okay, Mommy. Mamamama.

Oh, my goodness, what's going on?

Kyle

Sorry, Ms. Cartman, but your son took some things that didn't belong to him.

Oh, I've told him to respect people's property. What did he take?

Stan

He stole ballots in all the swing states so the wrong person was elected president.

[walks off into the kitchen] Oh, well, no TV for him for a few days.

Jimmy

There's nothing here, Kyle. Not even one Scooby clue.

Stan

[looking outside] Oh, my God, you guys! Look! Dude, it's Boba Fett's ship!