Sheila quotes from South Park

Sheila

[outraged in shock to Ike] It was you all this time! What have you done, Ike?! Do you have any idea the damage you've caused?! How can my child be such a monster?!

Sheila

[furiously banging and pounding from behind] YOU BOYS BETTER NOT BE ON THAT COMPUTER! I'LL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THIS! YOU LOCK YOUR MOTHER IN THE PANTRY?! I'LL LOCK YOU IN YOUR ROOMS FOREVER!!!

Sheila

[off-screen] You are not going to talk to me like that! I am exremely upset, and I am not leaving until I have said my piece! [angrily barges into the office and confronts Benjamin Netanyahu] THERE YOU ARE, MR. NETANYAHU! Just who do you think you are?! Killing thousands and flattening neighborhoods, then wrapping yourself in Judaism like it's some shield from criticism! You're making life for Jews miserable, and life for American Jews impossible! Oh, don't you roll your eyes at me, mister! You know what you're doing, and you're doing it on purpose! Well, now you can just sit in that chair, 'cause I'm not goin' anywhere, buster! I've been to every PTA meeting, every school board meeting, and I can go all day!

Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?

Sheila

How about the dreidel song, boobie?

Kyle

I can sing the Mr. Hankey song.

The Mr. Hankey song, how does that go?

Kyle

[singing] Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, he loves me, and I love...

Stan

Christmas poo?

Cartman

What the hell is Christmas poo?!

Kyle

Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, haven't you guys ever heard of it?

Sheila

Kyle, that is enough!

See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a Pagan.

Sheila

Now that does it! I am going straight to the Mayor about you, Mr. Garrison!

Oh, wait, wait, I'm sorry, was it the Pagan remark?

Sheila

Dug her up? Why?

Well. The most likely reason is that somebody wanted to have sex with her dead body.

Yep.

Sheila

What?!

Uh-huh, we don't want to upset you, but it happens. Somebody's probably making love to her corpse as we speak.

Every vile position, every disrespectful act imaginable.

Sheila

Oh, dear God!

Yes. By now he's probably even removed her eyes and made love to the empty sockets as well.

Sheila

[sadly rubs her eyes] Ooh.

Now, we don't want to upset you, but you should know that your mother's body would be stiff and dry, so he would have to have it soaked in warm water for several hours before making love to it.

Sheila

Ooh!

Yes. And, now for the difficult part.

Brace yourself.

It is highly possible that he has created new orifices in her decomposing flesh, leaving her to look something like an over loved hunk of Swiss cheese. She probably--

Sheila

Okay, okay! I get the point! Just tell me what you're going to do about it!

Do?

Oh, we don't do anything. We're just the watchmen.

Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might want to call the police or something.

Cartman

[singing] Here's a little dreidel that's small and made of clay. But I'm not going to play with it 'cause dreidel's friggin' gay.

[singing] Courtney Cox, I love you. [Kyle stops and stares at Gerald] You're so hot [Sheila stops, then Stan] on that show.

Kyle

Dad? [Cartman stops]

Courtney Cox,

Kyle

Dad.

I- huh? [stops singing]

Kyle

We're singing about a dreidel.

[stops dancing] ...Oh, sorry.

Sheila

We'll talk about this later, Gerald!

Stan

Dude, are you okay?

Kyle

[sarcastically] Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you?

Stan

Well, um, I found out that Cartman's letting a few people each day into his theme park. I was thinking we could put on disguises and get in.

Sheila

I'm afraid Kyle can't ride any amusement park rides for over a year because of his horrible hemorrhoid.

Stan

Jesus.

Kyle

But it's okay, Stan, because I finally figured it out. You see, if someone like Cartman could get a million dollars and his own theme park, then there IS no God. There's no God, dude.

Sheila

Kyle, don't say such things!

Kyle

Why? Why, Mom? Because if I do, something bad will happen to me? Because if I do, your God might not shower me with his blessings of infected hemorrhoids?

Kyle, you just don't understand, it's-

Kyle

No! I finally DO understand! There is no justice! There is no GOD! Do you hear me!? I RENOUNCE MY FAITH!

Welcome to Cartmanland.

Sheila

Isn't he getting any better, doctor?

I don't understand it. He's not fighting the infected hemorrhoid at all. It's like he... like he's lost all hope. Well if you'll excuse me, I've got more tests to run. [leaves. The TV monitor is seen, with a picture of a financial program]

And now back to Money Quest, on HBC.

[Camera zooms in on the two hosts] Welcome back to Money Quest. [Kyle looks at the show] In just over two weeks, young financial genius Eric Cartman [his picture appears on the screen behind the hosts] has managed to turn a theme park that was seeing less than a hundred attendees a day into a thriving park with attendance in the thousands.

And the way he did it is with the brilliant "You Can't Come" technique. For the first several days, the young businessman saturated the market with the claim that nobody could get into his park. It made the public crazy. So then, weeks later, when he opened the doors, they were lining up around the block. Simply amazing.

Well, ahah, I think we should point out that this technique is already being applied by businesses all over the country.

I'm sorry, we're no longer taking reservations. Nobody can eat here. You'll have to leave now.

No, I'm sorry. You can't see this movie. Nobody can see this movie. I can't even go in.

[the shoppers rush out of there] Out! Nobody is allowed into Gracy's anymore! Get out of here! [kicks the last shopper out]

Amazing. Eric Cartman is surely the financial genius of our time.

Kyle

Oh... Oohh—Ohuhughughhh... [passes out. A flatline appears on the heart monitor]

Sheila

[approaches] Kyle? Kyle? [turns to Gerald] Get the doctor!

The right time to start having sex is 17.

Sheila

So you mean 17 as long as you're in love?

Nope, just 17.

But what if you're not ready at 17?

17, you're ready.

He's very lucky you got him here when you did. He was in a very advanced state of vaginitis.

Vaginitis?

It occurs when a person stops eating meat. Those sores on his skin were actually small vaginas. If we hadn't stopped it in time, Stan would have eventually just become one great big giant pussy.

Kyle

Whoa, dude.

We've got an IV of pure beef blood pumping into Stan's veins and the... sores are fading.

Cartman

Thank God we stopped it in time.

Stan

Well, I guess we learned something today: it's wrong to eat veal because the animals are so horribly mistreated, but if you don't eat meat at all you break out in vaginas.

Butters

Hear hear.

Sheila

All right boys, it's time to go home. You've got some serious grounding time to start.

I'll say!

Butters

Aw, we're still grounded?

Kyle

But, but we, we learned things, and took up a cause.

Yes Kyle, but you still defied your parents. And you need to learn that terrorism is never the answer.

That's right, let's get these terrorists to their rooms. [Sternly] But first, [softens] maybe we can grab some burgers.

All right!

Stan

Dude. This is worse than Child Tracker.

It's okay, boys, just act as if we weren't here.

Right, do what you would normally do.

Kyle

[awkwardly] You're such a fat-ass, Cartman.

Cartman

[just as awkwardly] At least I'm not a stupid Jew.

Sheila

What-what-WHAT?!

And so, that's the situation. All the boys are out there somewhere with a... pornographic videotape.

Sheila

Oh, God! This-this is horrible!

All right, calm down! Now, just how bad of a porno tape are we talking here? I mean, was it like... Crotch Capers 3?

I'm afraid it was... Backdoor Sluts 9.

BACKDOOR SLUTS 9!?!

It's that bad?

Backdoor Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!

I-It is the single most vile, twisted... dark piece of porn ever made.

Sheila

[lightly slaps Gerald] How the hell do you know?!

I...uh... I-I-I read about it in People.

Sheila

[to Randy and Sharon] Oh, this is just great! How could you two be so careless?!

We're sorry!

Well, Sheila, we can't shelter our boys forever from these things. Maybe it's okay for them to see an adult film.

Sheila

Not without their parents to put it in a proper context! They won't understand what they're seeing!

I-It can't hurt 'em that much, can it?

Butters

[grasping the window outside] Precious!! Let me see my precious! Please!!

Stan!

Sheila

Kyle!

The answer is no, Kyle.

Kyle

Oh, come on, dad, stop being such a Jew!

Sheila

Kyle! Don't belittle your own people.

Kyle

Where is Clyde? We are supposed to leave 40 minutes ago.

Sheila

Well, I think we should be going without him Kyle because it's getting late.

Kyle

Yeah, screw him. Let's go.

Kyle

Oh, finally!

Cartman

Happy Birthday, Kyle. I just came to stop here to you your present.

Kyle

Oh. Thanks dude!

Cartman

Hope you have a good one, I'll see you later.

Kyle

Oh wait, Cartman.

Cartman

Yes?

Kyle

Clyde didn't show. You want to go to Casa Bonita with us?

Cartman

Clyde didn't show? I can't believe it. Are you sure you told him the right time and everything?

Kyle

I told him 5:30 and he we got to get going. Are you in?

Cartman

Well I should be going home to get my no I have everything I need lets go.

Kyle

Alright let's go.

Sheila

Okay, boys, get in the car.

Cartman

Casa Bonita, here we come.

Sheila

Oh Hello, Mr. Donovan.

Hello, everyone. Have any of you seen our son?

Kyle

Clyde is supposed to go with us to Casa Bonita Tonight.

We know but he hasn't been home since last Night. The police been looking everywhere, but well, thank you. Please let us know if you find out with anything.

Kyle

Dude weak.

Cartman

Yeah, man That sucks about Clyde. Well, let's get going, shall we.

Kyle

Nah. Dude, I can't go to a birthday party while Clyde is missing.

Stan

Yeah, it's kind of weird.

Cartman

Yeah, Yeah. I think you're right but on the other hand I think Clyde would want us to go. You know Clyde.

Kyle

Nah, I can't. We should help look for him.

Stan

Yeah.

Sheila

That's very good of you boys. We can postpone Casa Bonita till next Saturday.

Cartman

Next Saturday?!! I'll never be able to keep Clyde down in the depts of my heart for that long. I sure he shows up he turns up before then.

Stan

Dude we should check over at Stark's pond Clyde always hangs out there.

Kyle

Yeah and we should try the football field.

Sheila

I'll drive you boys.

Cartman

OH God damn it. I'm going to try to keep Clyde down in that Bomb Shelter for a whole week.