Sgt. Yates quotes from South Park

Man must learn to think of these horrible outcomes before he acts selfishly or else--I fear--recording artists will be forever doomed to a life of only semi-luxury.

Dammit! Where were all these sexed-up teachers when I was a kid?!

Kyle

Hello, my name is Brad. I need to report a crime-anonymously.

Okay, Brad, what's the crime?

Kyle

I attend South Park Elementary, and one of the teachers is having sex with a student.

[pause for a moment, then a dramatic uproar] Oh my God! [Sgt Yates and Murphy stand near Kyle, Murphy is holding a notebook]

You did the right thing telling the police, Brad. So who is this teacher? What is his name?

Kyle

Well, it isn't a guy teacher, it's a woman.

[sounding surprised] A woman? But she's ugly, right?

Kyle

Well, no, not really. It's the kindergarten teacher, Miss Stephenson.

[even more surprised] The blonde?

Kyle

Yeah.

Miss Stephenson is having sex with a student?

Kyle

Yeah.

Nice. You're sure they've had sex?

Kyle

Yes.

Has she performed oral sex on him?

Kyle

I think so.

Nice.

Wait, what's the crime?

The crime is she's not doing it with me! [policemen laugh]

Kyle

Hey! He's totally underage! She's taking advantage of him!

You're right, we're sorry. This is serious. We must find this kid and... give him his "Luckiest Boy in America" medal right away! [policemen laugh again. Kyle screams in frustration and runs off]

Cartman

I don't believe it. She is using the Mel Gibson defense.

Do we still press charges?

Who are we gonna convict? Johnny Walker?

Poor woman, she's a victim. A hot victim.

You just had to push it, didn't you Stan? You just had to make fun of Tom Cruise again.

Did you call him a fudge packer?

Stan

Aww, he was packing fudge!

Little boy, you don't understand how serious this is. Tom Cruise has put together a class-action lawsuit along with 200 other celebrities!

They're going to sue the bajeezus out of this entire town, m'kay?

Stan

It wasn't just me. Other kids called him a fudge packer. Even Mr. Garrison.

But you started it. Mr. Broflovski, tell him what you told us.

Stan, a class-action lawsuit means the end of this town. We can't possibly go up against their lawyers.

Dammit, Marsh, why couldn't you've just kept your stupid ugly kid in line?

Hey, don't start blaming me for his looks!

Mr. Cruise, my son is so, so sorry. And he would do anything to take back his hurtful comment.

That's nice. I'm still suing you all! Nobody calls me a fudge packer!

Yes, it was a terrible mistake. But, maybe you could see how -- since you do, take fudge and, pack it into a box...

What?

I'm just saying, you are employed currently, as a person who, packages...

I'm an actor. I do not pack fudge!

Right, my son just got confused. Because you have a little uniform, and a hat that says "Fred's Fudge & Candies." And you are... look it doesn't matter just... please withdraw the class-action lawsuit. Nobody in our town will ever call you a fudge packer again.

[takes a short break and sighs] There is... one thing that your town could do to... maybe make me forget about this lawsuit.

Anything! Anything you want, Mr. Cruise.

It's just that there's somebody I've always wanted to meet. Face to face. If you could get him to show up in your town...

Sure, who is it? We can get anybody for you.

Muhammad. The prophet of the Muslim faith.

Stan

Ooooo...

That's tricky.

Well then you can just get sued!

Mr. Cruise, if there's anybody else we could try to bring to town, we could-

NO! Just him! You get Muhammad to appear in South Park, or your little town is done!

Okay, people, I kno- I know. But, he will get the other celebrities to withdraw their lawsuit if we just... get Muhammad to appear in South Park.

Are you nuts?! If Muhammad appears in South Park, we get bombed!

We don't know that! Maybe enough time has passed.

Kyle

[to Token] Dude, I can't believe we are dealing with this Muhammad thing again.

But even if it were safe now for Muhammad to come, huh, how would we ever find him?

Yeah, showing an image of him is completely off-limits and censored. So nobody has ever seen what Muhammad looks like.

Stan

I saw him once.

You did?

Stan

Yeah. A while ago my friends joined David Blaine's cult. I had to go to the Super Best Friends to rescue them. Muhammad was one of the Super Best Friends.

Oh, and what? And he was just out in the open where everyone could see him and nobody got bombed?!

Stan

No, dude, it was totally flying.

Muhammad showed up and there was no violence at all.

Stan

Well this giant John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln.

Alright, Stan, that's enough. Jesus, can't learn to shut up, can you? [to the audience] Now look, I believe we CAN find Muhammad. I've done a lot of research and I've completed a sketch of what Muhammad could look like today.

[stands up] No, don't!

Is that okay to show? [sits down]

I don't know. I guess we'll see.

Mayor, we do not have the resources to deal with this situation. A full evacuation is impossible!

Jesus Christ, what are we supposed to do?!

We have to give in to their demands!

I'm sorry, Muhammad, but we're going to have to give you over to the gingers.

We have a major epidemic here, Detective. C. diff has spread to half the town. We don't have enough staff or enough to supplies to keep up with it.

How did this happen?

Apparently, the outbreak started at a restaurant when some women got sick on everybody. The women contracted C. diff. by giving themselves DIY fecal transplants.

So they got sick from another woman's feces?

No, they got sick from using this, [holds up a turkey baster] a common household turkey baster. It's a thing most people use just once a year, around Thanksgiving. The rest of the year it just sits in a drawer collecting bacteria, and then the ladies went and stuck it up their asses.

Oh, those ladies!

It gets worse. We're completely out of healthy donor feces. Even if we found a donor at this point, it wouldn't be enough to give everyone transplants.

So what happens next?

With how contagious C. diff is and how deadly, half of South Park is going to die.

Jesus... what have those rascally ladies done? [walks off]

Alright, students, listen up. I know this situation is not ideal, but we all have to quarantine together for two weeks.

Cartman

This is bullshit!

You don't want to infect your families, do you? You were all exposed to a student here who was taken to the hospital due to COVID. [Stan raises his hand up] Yes?

Stan

Uh, we were there, and Token was actually taken to the hospital because you guys shot him.

Yes, due to COVID. If it weren't for COVID, all the previous teachers would have still been here, we wouldn't have been in the class, and nobody would have gotten shot. Therefore, the young man is in the hospital due to COVID.

It was COVID-related.

Stan

That doesn’t make any sense!

Sir! There's a Studio Ghibli here that wants to talk to the kid.

What's a Studio Ghibli?

Some Japanese guys say they represent Totoro.

[angrily; pushes Mitch] You! You fuck Totoro!

Totoro is Studio Ghibli I.P.!

Oh, so Totoro's already got some lawyers, huh?

It takes hundreds of artists, three years to make Totoro! And then two minutes, you spit out your shit, and fuck Totoro!

Studio Ghibli no sakuhin! (Studio Ghibli's artwork!)

What!?

Kenny

[muffling] But we didn't make that video!

Alright, I can't understand a word anyone here is sayin'!

You stop! This is a "Shi-shu and de-shisto"!

"Shi-shu and de-shisto"!

[to Mitch] Mitch! Get 'em outta here!

Shimatta! Totoro no meiyo ga kigasareta! (Damn it! Totoro's reputation has been tarnished!)

[to Butters and Kenny] You cannot just do whatever you want with someone else's I.P.!

Butters

[speaking out to the court] It wasn't their fault, all right? It's all my fault! This all started with me, because my heart was broken. I made the first videos using Sora 2. I saw the ones Eric Cartman made to get out of going to school and I thought I could make these about Red 'cause the bitch deserves it! But it was just me!

Wait, you're saying that the Eric Cartman videos are all being created by someone to distort the truth? [looks at Mitch] That's gotta be Totoro! Trace the IP address, and let's get the son of a bitch!

Alright, I sure don't wanna tango with you guys. How about you just press this secret button in the floor here, and the jail cell doors will all open.

[bending over, looking at the floor] The secret button?

Yeah, you see, it's right there! [kicks Hegseth in the ass, knocking him over] Now get your little bitch ass out of my town.

Oh, you-! I dare you to do that again!