Scott quotes from South Park

Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon, but you're not God! J'accuse, Terrance!

Would you like a 'Monkey Claw', Phillip?

Yes please. [Terrance farts]

That's called the 'Monkey Claw', because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys.

The 'Monkey Claw' is smelly.

I hate you, and I wish you both had cancer!

Cancer?

Yes, in the head!

Head cancer?

This is not the end, Terrance and Phillip! You'll rue this day!

I hate you more than ever, Terrance and Phillip! I absolutely abhor you both! [starts waving his arms in front of them; pause]

What are you doing, Scott?

I'm wishing cancer upon you!

Cancer?!

That's right! I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind!

[hides behind Phillip] Ugh! Stop that!

Hey, Don't give me cancer!

What are you idiots doing?

We're looking for treasure.

Is that some kind of metaphor for a kind of search that can't be described?

No, we're searching for treasure.

Hey, what are you doing?!

Argh!

Oh no! It's Scott!

What are you two doing helping these Americans? Don't you know America thinks it owns Canada along with the rest of the world?!

You're a dick, Scott!

(loud, booming voice) Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum! I smell Kraft Dinner.

You're a dick, Scott! You have always been a dick! And then you got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now you're a giant dick!

No! You all kept calling me a dick and that turned me into a dick! And THEN I got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now I'm a giant dick!

Don't worry. If there's one thing Eskimos are good at, it's finding things.

Eskimos are good for nothing! I paid one to give me a blowjob once. All she did was rub her nose against my penis for forty five seconds and ask me to pay her! God darn polar gooks.

STOP BEING A DICK, SCOTT!

Hey, stop being mean to me!

It's the Red Wedding, isn't it? You hate how I killed everyone off?

Butters

Uh, no sir, we just really need to know about the dragons, but they never seem to show up.

Oh, they're coming; the dragons are on their way.

Butters

When?

You really wanna know?

Butters

Please, it's urgent!

All right. King Joffrey is still at King's Landing, but there is a young blacksmith who wakes up one morning with a plan. And his weiner gently hangs down between his legs, soft and flaccid, his weiner glistens in the golden sunlight...

Butters

No! No! Can we just skip the weiner stuff and just get to the dragons?

[winces painfully] Aw shit, I think I'm... I think I'm gonna faint.

Butters

Uh, what's the matter, Scott?

I told you, I have to eat every two hours.

Butters

He's diabetic.

Oh Jeez, uh, why don't you kids come out from the cold? I'll order some pizzas.

Butters

Oh. Okay, thanks.

Come on in! I'll tell you everything that's gonna happen in "Game of Thrones".

...So then Samwell Tarly sees the army approaching, and his wiener is about this big...He knows that Stannis Baratheon's wiener is probably shriveled from the cold. Samwell has to rally his men, so what does he do? He takes out his wiener...

...and he dangles it around for all his men to see.

[turns away, disgusted] AAAH!

Butters

OOAH! Uh, sir, you said pizzas were coming!

Yeah yeah, they're on their way. They're still coming. So Samwell's wiener goes...

Butters

But you said they were on their way like three hours ago!

If I don't get pizza soon, I'm goin' to pass out.

Don't worry. They're coming. Pizzas are on their way. They're gonna be amazing. Now, Jon Snow finally faces Jaime Lannister, and this guy's wiener is, you know, huge, right? So it's not goin' to be easy.

Ehhh...

Dad, I love you. I love you so much, Dad.

What?

I love you so much, Dad. Please, can we get Disney+?

Goddamnit, not this shit again! No! We don't need Disney Fucking Plus, Scott! We got cable, and that's enough! All this talk about Disney+ and CBS Max and shit on a fucking extreme prime! Where's it gonna end?! Straight to fucking hell, that's where! I'm going to work!

Look at that. Look. Two hundred and forty channels of anything we wanna watch. No accounts! No fucking passwords! Just pure, simple, basic cable.

[enters the house] Mom! Dad! Guess what?

[switching channels] Not now, Scott. Your mom and I are enjoying watching whatever we want and not signing up for anything.

But Dad, there's this new girl in school, and she has... diabetes!

Oh, that's wonderful, Scott.

Yeah. And guess what? She wants to come over to our house! So we HAVE to get Disney+!

Oh, not this shit again! The answer is NO!

Dad, please! This is my life!

Streaming services are destroying our culture, Scott! People got a thousand shows at their fingertips 24/7, so Hollywood has to make shows within their shows to make more shows!

But, Dad, what's wrong with people watching what they wanna watch when they wanna watch it?

[mockingly] "What's wrong with people watching what they wanna watch when they wanna watch it? I'm Scott Malkinson. I have diabetes." [walks off]

[infuriated] UNBELIEVABLE!

Hey! Hold on a second, everybody! [grunting as he drags Bob White behind him, who is been turned into a giant penis] I think I can help things out here!

Stan

What the heck is that?

It's him! It's the chosen one!

He's come to save us all like the prophecy foretold on the internet!

Wait, he's the chosen one?

Listen! Listen, everybody. I -- I think I owe you all a big apology. I came in here expecting everything to just go back to normal, but... we've all been through the proverbial butthole of hardships lately. I thought we could all just magically be friends again. But relationships are very fragile things. And in times of crises when we need each other most, it's sometimes when we grow furthest apart. But through it all, Mr. White here has taught me a very important lesson. Make sure you're on the side of the people with the most power. And so, I've worked out a deal with some pretty powerful people... [looks up at the sky] Alright, boys, do your thing! [Low bass tone sounds, and as fireworks explode in the air, an Air Israel plane appear] It's Air Israel with enough vaccines for every adult in town!

[injecting himself] Hey, Garrison, good job!

[as Linda injects him] Yeah, you're alright, Garrison!

[laughs] Oh, jeez. Thanks, everybody.

[approaching Kyle and Tolkien with Scott] Hey, Kyle, you got a minute?

Kyle

Yeah, what's up?

Well, there's this rumor starting to go around the school. Kids are saying it like… I don't know, like, you run Hollywood.

Kyle

What?

I told Scott that's just people being dumb and he shouldn't listen to stuff like that. But…Scott and I do have this sweet movie idea about a dude who has guns for hands and we have the first 20 pages written, so… You don't really run Hollywood, right?

Kyle

[angrily] I'm not even going to justify that with a response. Because repeating a derogatory slur, even for the purpose of refuting it, can make stupid people think it's valid! [storms off]

Holy shoot. Kyle runs Hollywood.

Kyle runs Hollywood, and you fucked up the pitch!

How'd I frack up the pitch?!

You gotta tell him what the stakes are! People who make movies, they just care about the stakes!

The guy has guns for hands!

[confronting Cartman] Mr. Cartman, did you or did you not tell students at this school that Kyle runs Hollywood?

Cartman

I think I did say that, yes.

And why would you say such an intolerant, offensive thing like that?!

Cartman

[shrugs] Somebody runs Hollywood.

Kyle

[irritated] Lots of people run Hollywood!

Cartman

Yes, lots of… people like Kyle.

Mr. Cartman, you are a dangerous frickin' ground here, buddy!