Harriet quotes from South Park

Henrietta, sweetie.

Shut up, Mom! Go away!

Ohh, but remember, Daddy wanted to talk to you in the living room, my dark little princess.

Stop calling me a princess. I'm not a beauty queen in a Disney movie!

We'll be waiting in the living room.

God, she just never stops!

Have a seat, Henrietta.

Ooh, a little family chitchat.

Shut up, Mom.

Henrietta, as you know, your mother and I have been concerned about your behavior for some time.

Are we really doing this again?

We've had a hard time coping with the dark things you're into, but we've finally had some counseling, and apparently we're not the only parents who have a child that is... emo.

What??

But Daddy and I love our little muffin, even if she's emo or not.

I'm not a fucking emo! Don't you even know the fucking diff?!

Do you know how your foul language breaks your mother's heart?

Like calling Mommy, "Demon Jizz."

So listen, sweetie, we've found a camp.

No.

A camp which is for troubled kids like you, and you get to work outside and learn about responsibility.

I'm not going to any fucking camp!

It's for two weeks, and when you come back we can talk about earning back some of your privileges.

I won't come back because I'll be fucking dead. I'll walk out of that camp and I'll walk the streets until I probably get picked up and gang-banged by criminals until I'm bleeding out my fucking eyes!!

They have a horseshoe pit where you can challenge the other kids to horseshoes.

[cutting herself on her arm] Are you guys getting into that Fall Out Boy concert?

[cutting herself on her arm as well] I can't. I'm too depressed. I keep cutting myself.

Yeah. I'm cutting myself to hurt this worthless body that I'm in.

[knocks on the door and opens it; holding a plate of cookies] Henrietta, I baked cookies for your new little Emo friends.

Not now, Mom! Can't you see I'm hurting?! I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment! Sorry I'm not the pretty cheerleader you always wanted!

Does she still seem better?

Oh, much better! She didn't call me a bitch, and she actually apologized to me.

Well, that's more like it.

So, my friends. Have you made the transformation?

Uh, Henrietta, we have some bad news. The plants you think took over your body and made you emo? They're just plants. From Lowe's Home and Garden.

It was all a prank by some douchey network reality show.

No. There's an organic spore in my head that made me switch cliques so easily.

No, you just kind of did it on your own.

Oh my God. This is so... embarrassing.

Ah, hang on. What I meant to say was we just infiltrated the Emo lair and... we torched the plant leader.

Oh. Oh! I'm, I'm-I'm me again! Oh my God, I'm all better. Thanks you guys.

[enters] Henrietta, I have dinner ready.

Shut up, Mom! Leave me alone, you conformist bag of demon jizz!

...Fatty. [closes the door]

You did everything you could, Mr. Marsh. If your wife can't realize the truth and appreciate you, maybe she never will.

Realize what?! What have you been telling everybody, Randy?!

Randy was just trying to make you feel loved while you're going through menopause.

Menopause?! I'm not going through fucking menopause!

How do you know?

I just got my period this morning!

You... you got your period?

YES!

You just got your period this morning?

YES!

So, the past few days, maybe you have been just a little-

NO! NO NOTHING! Don't you guys see what's happened here?! I want you to be angry! Every day we hear about another school shooting! It used to be a big deal! I want it to be a big deal again. I mean Harriet, you came to my house and said there was a school shooting to trick me into going with you!

I was just trying to be a part of the big surprise, Sharon.

That's what I'm talking about! That's crazy, Harriet! I want you all to be shocked! I want you all to be sad!

You want everyone to be sad?

Well. Sharon, if you wanted to make me sad, congratulations. [voice cracks a little] You did a great job. [sadly walks away]

Yeah, let's go somewhere without so much negativity.

Kyle

Do you guys have any idea what I'm saying?! Half the cells in our bodies aren't human! Right now there are alive creatures on your eyelashes and in your teeth!

Cartman

So?

Kyle

So?! Right now, that straw has a bunch of little bugs and they're trickling in your mouth and mixing with millions of other little bugs that are alive inside you! You aren't even totally you!

Stan

Dude, Kyle, why are you talking about all this?

Kyle

Okay, guys, listen. My mom had a fecal transplant.

Cartman

[spits his soda out and laughs] Fecal transplant!

Hi, Kyle. I'm Harriet, Henrietta and Bradley's mommy. I've been looking all over town for you.

Kyle

Why?

Well, I went to the video game store and I bought this. [reaches into her purse and pulls out a video game] "Jedi: Fallen Order." It's getting great reviews. Thought you might want it.

Cartman

Whaaat?

Stan

Yeah, he wants it.

Great. Could you do just one little thing for me, Kyle?

Kenny

[muffled] Yeah. He'll do anything.

When you get back home, could you find a way to get a little of your mom's poop, and put it in this jar?

Kyle

What?! EW! NO!

Cartman

Yes!

I don't need much. I'm sure you can find a way to sneak it from her. You do that and the game is all yours.

Kyle

That is disgusting. Absolutely not!

Cartman

Kyle!

Oh, well, think about it. The offer stands. I heard you can customize your own lightsaber.

Cartman

What is your problem?!

Kyle

What is MY problem?! I'm not gonna go steal my mom's shit!

Stan

Dude, you realize we won't get that game 'til Christmas. We could be paying with it tomorrow.

Kenny

[muffled] TO-MORROW!

Kyle

I said, NO, and that's final!

Sheila

Girls, can I just say, you both look fantastic.

[chuckles] Oh, thanks, girlfriend. We've been working out and dieting, you know. Not cheating like that bitch Harriet.

Sheila

Well, it's great you guys are doing it the natural way and we don't have to deal with Harriet anymore.

[angrily barges in, having thrown up on herself] There you are, you goddamn bitch! I will take you to court, fat whore!

Sheila

Harriet, I do not like your tone.

You knew I was gonna steal your poo, and so you tainted it, didn't you?!

Sheila

What are you talking about?

I have been shitting and throwing up all day! It has to be from your feces!

Sheila

So you DID take my poo, huh, Harriet?

That's beside the point now!

Sheila

Oh, is it? 'Cause the girls told me you called me the C word the other day!

Oh, you're all backstabbing bitches now?!

Fuck you, Harriet!

Oho. Okay ladies, come on.

Just admit it! I can't stop puking and shitting because of what you did to me! [Laura begins to moan before she, too, starts throwing up and poops her skirt with projectile force; shocked] What the fuck?!

You thought you were such hot shit, Harriet. We took the leftover feces from your house and put it up our asses with a turkey baster! Oh- Oh God! [moves away from the table and projectile-vomits, then has to lean over on a chair as she is unable to hold in her diarrhea and squirts it out around other diners, also splashing her now-infected vomit on everyone in the diner, as all the girls in the group but Sheila are now vomiting and soiling themselves uncontrollably]

Oh, Sheila, I'm so sorry for stealing your feces.

And we're sorry for stealing it from you, Harriet.

Sheila

Girls, this was all my fault. I think I got a little carried away bragging about my fecal transplant.

I hope we can all be besties again.

You ladies are pretty lucky. If it hadn't been for these little turd burglars here, you'd be dead. And also responsible for the deaths of countless others.

Sheila

Kyle, how did you do it? I mean, how did you even know what was going on?

Kyle

I didn't know. My microbiome did. All along they were trying to tell me something. I really learned that I'm not just me. I'm also all the creatures inside of me. From now on, I'm gonna trust my gut a little more.

Well, I think we've all learned something. One for the ladies, is one too many for the ladies.

Sheila

Are you implying that Jews in America have some kind of obligation to do something about it?!

Whoa, whoa!

Sheila

You wanna vilify my faith, is that it?!

Sheila, it's okay.

Sheila

It's not Jews vs. Palestine, it's Israel vs. Palestine!

Here we go with the Palestinian stuff again.

Sheila

And maybe if you read books instead of everything Hollywood actors say, YOU'D KNOW THE DIFFERENCE! [walks away, leaving]