Shelley quotes from South Park

They're having a cat orgy!

Serves you right, you little brat!

Stan

Well, at least I'm not going to die from it, which you might! [giggles]

If I die from this, I'm taking you with me!

Stan

I don't want to watch this! I want to watch Terrance and Phillip!

We're watching this!

Stan

Well I got the remote, bitch! [giggles]

And you must be Stan's sister! Oh, I think your brother's the greatest!

My brother is a stupid turd!

[walks up to Shelley's room after telling Stan to get off the Internet and go to bed] Shelley, off the Internet. It's bedtime.

Mom, I'm i-chatting with my boyfriend in Montana!

Now, Shelley. [closes the door]

WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!

Stan

What the hell?

[entering] Stan! Stan, I gotta use your computer!

Stan

What?

My Internet's not working, I gotta use yours. And give Daddy some private time, will ya?

Stan

My Internet's not working either.

What?!

[entering with her laptop] Dad, the Internet's not working!

I know that, okay?!

I have to get online with my darling, Amir, before school starts!

[walking up] Randy, I can't get my e-mail to open.

Stan

[tries to use the telephone to call a number, but finds the line cut off] What the hell? Shelley, I need use your cellphone.

[trying to look for it in her bag; freaking out] I can't find it! Somebody took it!

[enters] All right, Randy, where are the car keys? [Randy doesn't answer] Randy, where are the keys to the car?!

Oh Jesus.

Beer is all wheat, Dad!

Shut up, beer is bad for you?

I'm warning you. You're on the wrong side of this. We're just trying to get answers.

[drawing her gun on him] You pulled a gun on our son, Randy!

He pulled one on me first, Sharon!

Stan

Because you wouldn't talk to me, Dad!

Stanley, let your mother and I deal with this!

I told you to leave him alone!

God, I hate this family! [pulls out her gun at Sharon] Why are you always taking Stan's side?!

Whoa! Whoa, Shelley! Put down the gun, Shelley!

You're always acting like Stan can't do anything wrong!

Stan

She doesn't always take my side!

You shut up or I'll swear to God I'll use this.

Shelley, put it down, now.

You don't even try to know me, Dad!

I want to, Shelley! I just sometimes like you hate me!

I feel like you hate me, Randy!

I don't hate you, I LOVE you! I need to be a better husband, a better father!

Stan

We all need to be better to each other!

Okay, maybe I need to stop being so angry!

..I love you guys.

Stan

We love you too, Dad. We just wanna know what's going on with you.

All right. I'll tell you everything. [holds his gun] Wow, these things are amazing.

Shelley, you take care of Grandpa!

Okay! [cocks her gun aims it at Grandpa Marvin]

No, no, no, don't shoot Grandpa! Just literally take care of him.

[points to Butters after he unlocks the church doors] Ohhh! [laughs along with the other congregants]

Butters

There's no church today! You all are just gonna have to find somethin' better to do! [closes the doors and locks them up]

Hey. Hey! Open the door! Hey! Come on! [driving all the way home, moments later…] Well, this sucks. What are we supposed to do without church?

I just feel so empty.

What are you guys so upset about?

Shut up, Shelley!

[turns off TV after watching the commercial] Well? What'd you think, guys?

How much did you spend making that commercial?

Who cares, Sharon? Business is up.

[furiously] Nobody cares about your stupid $300,000! We've become the kind of business that we moved out here to get away from! You know why the Chinese buy our weed?! It's to plant on their student protesters so they can put them in jail!

Yeah. We make money either way.

You don't care how anyone else feels! We bought this farm together, Randy! Or did you forget that?! [leaves]

I hate marijuana! [gets off the sofa and leaves too]

[gasps] Shelley!

Stan

I hate marijuana too. [gets off the sofa and leaves as well]

[gasps] Stan!

Hey, where's Shelley?

Shelley hasn't come out of her room in two days.

Why?

You know why, Randy.

[sighs] Yeah. Yeah. [walks upstairs and enters Shelley's room] Hey, Shelley? Can I talk to you for a minute?

What do you want?

Come on, kiddo. Come talk with your old man, huh? Come on now. [Shelley leaves her desk to sit on her bed next to Randy] Shelley, we need to talk about your marijuana problem. You know, what's your problem with it?

I hate marijuana!

Yes, we all know, but ugh, why?

It stinks, and it makes everyone in this town dumber than they already are!

Shelley, the truth is, some of the most important people in the world smoke weed. Did you know that Snoop Dogg smokes weed?

Yes, everyone knows Snoop Dogg is a stupid pothead!

Ugh, way more people enjoy marijuana than you think, okay? Okay, who's your idol? Who do you most look up to in the whole world?

Serena Williams.

Total stoner. High as a kite. Every tennis match.

No, she's not!

You don't know that, Shelley! Now you're just making assumptions!

Everyone in this country is getting dumber, and I wish Marijuana was illegal again!

Shelley! Okay, look. The thing is, this problem you're having with marijuana? It's just got to stop, okay? We're working on out Tegridy Farms Halloween Special, okay? Nobody wants a giant bummer ruining it! I love you!

It's really smooth. This is so good that we shold stop smoking it right now. We don't want to ruin our Halloween experience, you know? [Shelley walks in with her potion] This is seriously gonna be the best Halloween ever. [Shelley then splashes the potion all over the Halloween Special; turns around, alarmed] SHELLEY!

That's what I think of your stupid special! [walks away]

No! NOOO!!

Dad, you have to drive me to the book fair.

[chuckling] W-what?

Mom said you have to drive me because she's taking Stan trick-or-treating.

You're going to a book fair.

Yes.

On fucking Halloween?!

Yes!

I don't even know how to deal with you anymore. You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?!

You're my dad. Drive me to the book fair!

I will not! I have things to get ready! And nobody cares about books on Halloween, Shelley!

The last thing people in this town need is more marijuana! [kicks the table's leg off and jars of marijuana fall and shatter]

OH, MY GOD!!

See, Stan? You gotta choose if wanna be in Gryffindor or Slytherin.

Stan

Yeah, can I do it?

Yeah, see, you gotta fight these fairy guys.

[entering] Randy? Randy! The powder room toilet is broken…again!

Did you jiggle the handle?

Yes, I jiggled the handle! Will you come fix this, please?!

Okay, okay. [gets up from the sofa and enters the powder room to try and fix the toilet] Huh, well, let's see. It's gotta be the little black floaty thingy. [to Sharon] What'd you do to it?

I didn't do anything.

Let me see if there's water in the bowl… [starts to open the lid]

[quickly closes it] No! Don't lift the lid!

[smirking] Why can't I lift the lid?

Don't, Randy!

Uh-huh. [peeks out the door; to his kids] Hey, guys! Your mom took a shit and doesn't want me to see it!

Stan

[disgusted] Ew!

Gross, Dad!

Randy, we need to get a new toilet.

We can't just get rid of Ol' Blue, Sharon.

This is embarrassing. It's the powder room toilet, the one guests use! You get a new toilet, Randy, or I'm not helping you sell weed anymore! [walks out]

Alright, alright, Sharon, you win. As usual.