Gerald Broflovski quotes from South Park

Could you please pass the dead fetus--I mean gravy?

Look, Ike! Your daddy's a dolphin!

What kind of nut job would agree to surgically alter my son into a tall African-American?!

Kyle

[voiceover] "My Final Solution" by Kyle Broflovski. My dad is the smartest guy in the whole wide world. He has taught me that all poor people are actually things called clods. I wanna live in a world of only gods so my idea to make America better is put all the poor people into camps.

WHAT!?

Kyle

[voiceover] If we get rid of them, there will be nothing but rich people, and there won't be any hunger, poverty or homeless people, 'cause they'll all be dead. The End.

Oh God, what have I done?

You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal, democratic society. And democrats make sexual harassment laws. These laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace, and what we can and can't do in the workplace.

Kyle

Isn't that fascism?

No, because we don't call it fascism. Do you understand?

Kyle

Do you?

Just because we shared an intimate moment in the hot tub, I'm not going to let it--

We did not share an intimate moment, okay? That makes it sound gay!

Cartman

[singing] Here's a little dreidel that's small and made of clay. But I'm not going to play with it 'cause dreidel's friggin' gay.

[singing] Courtney Cox, I love you. [Kyle stops and stares at Gerald] You're so hot [Sheila stops, then Stan] on that show.

Kyle

Dad? [Cartman stops]

Courtney Cox,

Kyle

Dad.

I- huh? [stops singing]

Kyle

We're singing about a dreidel.

[stops dancing] ...Oh, sorry.

Sheila

We'll talk about this later, Gerald!

Oh, hello, son.

Kyle

Dad, there is so a tooth fairy, huh?

What? Oh. Kyle, let's have a little talk.

Kyle

Oh my God! You did lie to me!

No. Kyle, she's just make-believe. Like Peter Pan.

Kyle

Peter Pan, too?

Kyle--

Kyle

What about Moses and Abraham?

Well, they were probably real.

Kyle

Probably? Is Atlantis real?

Probably not.

Look, Kyle, adults make up those things because they're fun for children.

Kyle

Fun for children?! Fun for children?! Look at me, Dad! I don't even know what's real anymore! [leaves and sobs some more]

Stan

Dude, are you okay?

Kyle

[sarcastically] Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you?

Stan

Well, um, I found out that Cartman's letting a few people each day into his theme park. I was thinking we could put on disguises and get in.

Sheila

I'm afraid Kyle can't ride any amusement park rides for over a year because of his horrible hemorrhoid.

Stan

Jesus.

Kyle

But it's okay, Stan, because I finally figured it out. You see, if someone like Cartman could get a million dollars and his own theme park, then there IS no God. There's no God, dude.

Sheila

Kyle, don't say such things!

Kyle

Why? Why, Mom? Because if I do, something bad will happen to me? Because if I do, your God might not shower me with his blessings of infected hemorrhoids?

Kyle, you just don't understand, it's-

Kyle

No! I finally DO understand! There is no justice! There is no GOD! Do you hear me!? I RENOUNCE MY FAITH!

The right time to start having sex is 17.

Sheila

So you mean 17 as long as you're in love?

Nope, just 17.

But what if you're not ready at 17?

17, you're ready.

Stan

Dude, it looks like Cartman and Kenny are ditching school again.

Kyle

[he and Stan take their seats] Yeah, they're gonna get busted again.

[enters carrying a few books] Alright, class, let's take our seats. [seats the book down on her desk and turns to the class] Now, uh, before we get started, Stan and Kyle? Uh, the principal needs to see you in her office.

Stan

The principal? Aw, come on!

Kyle

We don't know where Cartman is, Ms. Choksondik!

She needs to see you now. [points to the door. Stan and Kyle leave their seats, Kyle leading Stan]

Kyle

Aw man, here we go again! Use the Jew as a scapegoat.

Hello, boys.

Stan

Wait. What's going on here? [he and Kyle back up a bit. Their parents join them]

Kyle

Alright, we don't know for sure why Cartman is ditching school, but it has something to do with abortion. That's all we know.

[Chef has joined the principal and Mr. Mackey] You didn't do anything wrong boys. We just need to talk to you. Have a seat. [the boys each take a chair and sit down] Boys, uh... your little friend Kenny went to the hospital last night, m'kay. [the boys look stunned] And well, he's pretty sick. [Sharon leans on Randy]

Kyle

Kenny's sick?

Stan

Well, how sick?

Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with a... terminal disease.

Stan

[after a pause] ...But... the doctors are gonna make him better, right?

Oh dear. [buries her face in Randy's shoulder]

Stan

Mom, that's what hospitals are for. They, they can make him better.

Randy...

They don't think so, Stanley. Your friend is terminally ill, and that means.. Well son,... th- that means he's going to be going to heaven soon.

Kyle

Wait. Kenny's going to die?

He might, Kyle.

Stan

[tearing up] ...But... he's out... fu... fufu- friend.

We know, and that's why he's going to need you boys to be strong for him, m'kay? He needs you now more than ever.

Stan

No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die! Kenny can't die!! [buries his face in Randy's arm and begins sobbing]

He's very lucky you got him here when you did. He was in a very advanced state of vaginitis.

Vaginitis?

It occurs when a person stops eating meat. Those sores on his skin were actually small vaginas. If we hadn't stopped it in time, Stan would have eventually just become one great big giant pussy.

Kyle

Whoa, dude.

We've got an IV of pure beef blood pumping into Stan's veins and the... sores are fading.

Cartman

Thank God we stopped it in time.

Stan

Well, I guess we learned something today: it's wrong to eat veal because the animals are so horribly mistreated, but if you don't eat meat at all you break out in vaginas.

Butters

Hear hear.

Sheila

All right boys, it's time to go home. You've got some serious grounding time to start.

I'll say!

Butters

Aw, we're still grounded?

Kyle

But, but we, we learned things, and took up a cause.

Yes Kyle, but you still defied your parents. And you need to learn that terrorism is never the answer.

That's right, let's get these terrorists to their rooms. [Sternly] But first, [softens] maybe we can grab some burgers.

All right!

And so, that's the situation. All the boys are out there somewhere with a... pornographic videotape.

Sheila

Oh, God! This-this is horrible!

All right, calm down! Now, just how bad of a porno tape are we talking here? I mean, was it like... Crotch Capers 3?

I'm afraid it was... Backdoor Sluts 9.

BACKDOOR SLUTS 9!?!

It's that bad?

Backdoor Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!

I-It is the single most vile, twisted... dark piece of porn ever made.

Sheila

[lightly slaps Gerald] How the hell do you know?!

I...uh... I-I-I read about it in People.

Sheila

[to Randy and Sharon] Oh, this is just great! How could you two be so careless?!

We're sorry!

Well, Sheila, we can't shelter our boys forever from these things. Maybe it's okay for them to see an adult film.

Sheila

Not without their parents to put it in a proper context! They won't understand what they're seeing!

I-It can't hurt 'em that much, can it?

Butters

[grasping the window outside] Precious!! Let me see my precious! Please!!

All right, Token, we know you must be very confused about what you saw.

Yes, uh, you see, Token, that was called a pornographic film. It shows adult men and adult women having sexual intercourse. [long beat] Well, you-you see, when a man and a woman fall in love, the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina. It's called lovemaking and it's part of being in love.

Token

[beat] And when the woman has four penises in her at the same time, then stands over the men and pees on them, is that part of being in love, too? ...Five midgets, spanking a man covered in Thousand Island dressing. Is that making love?

Jesus, what kind of porno was that?

It was Backdoor Sluts 9.

Oh Jesus, not that one!!

The answer is no, Kyle.

Kyle

Oh, come on, dad, stop being such a Jew!

Sheila

Kyle! Don't belittle your own people.