Ryan quotes from South Park

Kyle's already got two weeks of detention.

Huh for what?

Just 'cause he said something about Caitlyn Jenner. [a hush falls over the table]

Oh, Caitlyn Jenner. She's a hero. She is stunning and brave.

Stunning. She is absolutely beautiful, and an inspiration.

Yup!

Yup, that's right.

Thanks for coming, everyone. I know you are all concerned as Sarah and I are about what's happening to our children.

I just... can't believe that children in our town are dressing up in hero costumes and peeing in each other's mouths.

And who are these kids? Does anyone know? They're wearing capes and forcing objects into their own rectal cavities? Why?

[referring to himself and his wife] We were shocked to read that a young African-American boy is wearing Tupperware and defecating on girls while they sleep. What if those kids are hanging out with our kids?

You know what I think the problem is? Facebook.

Facebook? How so?

Well, look, we all know there's a lot of mixing of truth and fiction that's been on Facebook lately, and children lack the cognitive ability to determine what's true and what isn't on Facebook. That's why we now have young kids dressing up in costumes, eating poop, and having sex with antelopes in our town.

Maybe we need to get our kids off of Facebook.

That'll never happen. You know what I say we do? Let's invite Mark Zuckerberg to come and talk to us all about our concerns in this community.

Do you really think he'd come?

Why not give it a try? Let's invite Mark Zuckerberg here and see what he has to say? I'm sure he's a reasonable person. [sips his coffee]

Thanks for coming, everybody. I'm sure you all heard there was yet another school shooting today. We have to figure out what we're going to do as parents, because this whole thing is out of control! We have to ask ourselves why this is happening and do something now!

Well, you know, Sharon, I think... it s a complex issue, you know. It's... it's not really as simple as just... [Randy perks up and begins signing to him furiously; It basically amounts to "Stop! Stop! It's Sharon! She's menstruating!"] What I'm saying is that, that with issues like this, sometimes you have to be kind of... [begins to see what Randy is doing: "she's touched in the head"] crazy?

What are you talking about? [Randy pulls out a red handkerchief and pretends it's a bloody tampon] Do you understand that our children are being murdered?

Red?

How much closer to home can this all hit? [Randy continues signing: "She's menstruating heavily and it's driving her crazy."] It was at our children's school!

[still not getting it] Crazy time. Crazy red time.

[stops in his tracks as Sharon notices] I agree with my wife.

Well, there certainly are things that need changing. Just yesterday, I was at the park with my son Craig and... have you seen the state of the playground equipment? Not only does it seem unsafe, but it's become quite an eyesore.

The whole park could use an upgrade, if you ask me. It's become a camp out for the homeless.

[now irked and enraged, screaming at the top of her lungs] ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING?! YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ONE SECOND TO COMPARE CHILD MURDER TO PARK UPGRADES?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYBODY?! YOU'VE ALL GONE CRAZY! [furiously goes upstairs]