[South Park Elementary; Ms. Nelson is handing her students back their graded math exams]
I want you all to take a close look at your math exams, children. Some of you did very well, but many of you did not.
[disappointed as he received an F] Aw, man!
The addition of fractions is very simple. Let's run through it again. How do we solve this first one?
[Sounds of gunshots and children screaming are heard from outside in the hallway]
[raises his hand] Add together the 3 and the 3!
Good, Butters. We add the 3's together. And what about the 4's? Token?
They're the denominators, so they stay a 4.
Some kid shot up the school.
Who shot up the schoo-- was it you?
Oh... [goes back to cutting his steak] Well, what's this about failing a math quiz?
[pounds the table, angrily] Are you serious?! Did you not hear what your child said?! Kids died at his school!
Why are you all acting like this is normal?! What is wrong with you people?! [storms upstairs]
[Later that night, Sharon is angrily and tearfully putting up laundry in the master bedroom]
[entering] Hey, Sharon. You doing okay?
No, I'm not okay! Children were shot! They were killed at a school where they were supposed to be safe!
Uh-huh, and... what else is going on?
Why does there need to be anything else?! [in unison] ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
[in unison] I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Sharon.
Why isn't anyone else emotional?!
Hon, uh… when was your last… I mean, you know how sometimes things can seem like a little bigger deal 'cause, you know, you're… down there?
Don't you dare suggest that I'm only emotional because it's…
I'm… I'm just… I'm just pointing out that it is around that time.
GET OUT, RANDY! I'm not overreacting!
[Marsh residence; Sharon has called a group of parents together for a meeting]
Thanks for coming, everybody. I'm sure you all heard there was yet another school shooting today. We have to figure out what we're going to do as parents, because this whole thing is out of control! We have to ask ourselves why this is happening and do something now!
Well, you know, Sharon, I think... it s a complex issue, you know. It's... it's not really as simple as just... [Randy perks up and begins signing to him furiously; It basically amounts to "Stop! Stop! It's Sharon! She's menstruating!"] What I'm saying is that, that with issues like this, sometimes you have to be kind of... [begins to see what Randy is doing: "she's touched in the head"] crazy?
What are you talking about? [Randy pulls out a red handkerchief and pretends it's a bloody tampon] Do you understand that our children are being murdered?
How much closer to home can this all hit? [Randy continues signing: "She's menstruating heavily and it's driving her crazy."] It was at our children's school!
[still not getting it] Crazy time. Crazy red time.
[stops in his tracks as Sharon notices] I agree with my wife.
Well, there certainly are things that need changing. Just yesterday, I was at the park with my son Craig and... have you seen the state of the playground equipment? Not only does it seem unsafe, but it's become quite an eyesore.
The whole park could use an upgrade, if you ask me. It's become a camp out for the homeless.
[now irked and enraged, screaming at the top of her lungs] ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING?! YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ONE SECOND TO COMPARE CHILD MURDER TO PARK UPGRADES?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYBODY?! YOU'VE ALL GONE CRAZY! [furiously goes upstairs]
SOfficer Stevens
You did everything you could, Mr. Marsh. If your wife can't realize the truth and appreciate you, maybe she never will.
Realize what?! What have you been telling everybody, Randy?!
Randy was just trying to make you feel loved while you're going through menopause.
Menopause?! I'm not going through fucking menopause!
I just got my period this morning!
You... you got your period?
You just got your period this morning?
So, the past few days, maybe you have been just a little-
NO! NO NOTHING! Don't you guys see what's happened here?! I want you to be angry! Every day we hear about another school shooting! It used to be a big deal! I want it to be a big deal again. I mean Harriet, you came to my house and said there was a school shooting to trick me into going with you!
I was just trying to be a part of the big surprise, Sharon.
That's what I'm talking about! That's crazy, Harriet! I want you all to be shocked! I want you all to be sad!
You want everyone to be sad?
Well. Sharon, if you wanted to make me sad, congratulations. [voice cracks a little] You did a great job. [sadly walks away]
Yeah, let's go somewhere without so much negativity.
[points to Butters after he unlocks the church doors] Ohhh! [laughs along with the other congregants]
There's no church today! You all are just gonna have to find somethin' better to do! [closes the doors and locks them up]
Hey. Hey! Open the door! Hey! Come on! [driving all the way home, moments later…] Well, this sucks. What are we supposed to do without church?
What are you guys so upset about?
Mr. Hankey, everyone's really mad at you. Were you on Twitter last night?
Did you tweet, "The kids of South Park are retarded homos who can't play music?"
Why would you tweet that?! All the kids are really pissed off!
It was a bad attempt at a joke. I'm sorry. Will you tell the kids I didn't mean it?
What do you want me to say?
The fact is, I couldn't sleep last night so I took some Ambien. Do you take that stuff? It turns your brain into oatmeal. Please, Kyle, tell the kids I didn't mean any harm. We've gotta focus on Christmas!
[furiously] Hankey! [Hankey turns to her and the other council members, all pissed at him] We need to talk about what you tweeted.
Oh, I'm sooo sorry. I took Ambien two nights ago and I called the schoolkids homos.
MMMayor McDanniels
No, I'm talking about what you tweeted last night. [takes out her phone] "The city council members are a bunch of pussy-licking Islamists."
Oh-oh Jeez, did I say that? Listen, if you're tired and you can't sleep, DO NOT take Ambien. Okay? Whew!
MMMayor McDanniels
I'm afraid we have no option but to fire you as executive planning manager of the city council.
Fire me? No, no, no, please. I-I'm really sorry. No, no wait! Wait, please give me another chance! Don't do this! What about Christmas?
Your vice principal gave birth to all five babies with no epidural. I must say, she's a very strong woman.
The quintuplets are all healthy and resting away. There are her babies right there.
[They look through the nursery window and see the PC baby quintuplets resting after they've been born]
Yes, cute, little buggers, aren't they? Three boys and two girls.
I think it's wrong to force gender specification upon them at this young age.
Funny. That's exactly what their mother said. The quints are all Caucasian, blue-eyed, and something kind of weird.
Well, the babies are all extremely PC, the likes of which I have never seen.
NNewscaster
Today, South Park says goodbye to Mr. Hankey. The longtime union of this town and the holiday figure is over for good. We should all feel pretty great about ourselves, give ourselves a little, nice pat on the back, as we, as a society, continue to try and sweep away all the poop.
Well, everyone, I guess this is goodbye. It sure has been swell.
No goodbyes, Mr. Hankey. You just need to go. We already called you a Poober.
A Poober? They have that? [A Lyft car honks and pulls up] Oh, you mean Lyft. Well, okay. Goodbye, everyone. I hope I brought a few smiles and a few laughs into your hearts.
[opens the back door for him, coldly] Goodbye, Mr. Hankey.
[Mr. Hankey hops into the car, Mayor then closes the door, and the car drives away]
He'll have to find a place that accepts racist, awful beings like him. There are still places out there who don't care about bigotry and hate.
I'm over it, Sharon. I am seriously over it. Don't you wanna just start over? Go back to simpler times?
I've had it -- school shootings, pieces of shit taking Ambien and tweeting, priests raping kids, and somehow... I'm not laughing anymore. Let's do it, Sharon. What I've always talked about. Let's get outta here. Go buy a farm and live off the land.
I've never been more serious.
[honking] Hey, the light's green!
SHUT UP, NELSON! Let's move out to the country. Go back to simple living when things mattered, like work hard and tegridy.
How will we make a living?
By growing things and selling what we make with our hands. We can do this, Sharon. It's time.
[South Park Elementary; Stan had told his friends about living on a farm after selling their house]
So, just like that? Your parents sold your house and everything?
Yeah, it takes me like an hour to get to school now. It sucks. All because Shelley bribed the playground monitor to let her vape during recess.
Why would your sister want to get addicted to those things?
Well, your little brother does it too, Kyle.
What are you talking about?
You didn't know? The kindergartners are, like, the biggest vapers at this school.
