Dr. Doctor quotes from South Park

That kid's got as much hope as Steve Irwin in a tank full of stingrays.

Will he be okay out of the hospital?

Oh sure, sure. But we have to get him back soon. If he doesn't get his antibiotic shot today, he could die.

DIE!??

Yes, die. It won't be any easy death, either. The chickenpox will slowly move down his trachea into his lungs.

Okay, well well, let's go look—

As he chokes for breath, the pox will move through his inner ear, into his brain, making him think he's David Duchovny.

Oh God, no!!

I'm a-I'm sure he couldn't have gone far.

Now moving on all fours and wheezing uncontrollably, his cellular structure will regress into a gelatinous mass of—

Boys, I'm afraid your fat little friend has suffered head trauma.

Well, apparently, he thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute named Ming Li.

Kyle

..Oh.

Stan

But can he still ride a bull?

What?

Kyle

We need him to win a bull-riding contest so we can get Terrance and Phillip dolls. Can he still do it?

No, boys! You need to take him home and let him get plenty of sleep.

Kyle

Damn it!

He's very lucky you got him here when you did. He was in a very advanced state of vaginitis.

Vaginitis?

It occurs when a person stops eating meat. Those sores on his skin were actually small vaginas. If we hadn't stopped it in time, Stan would have eventually just become one great big giant pussy.

Kyle

Whoa, dude.

We've got an IV of pure beef blood pumping into Stan's veins and the... sores are fading.

Cartman

Thank God we stopped it in time.

Stan

Well, I guess we learned something today: it's wrong to eat veal because the animals are so horribly mistreated, but if you don't eat meat at all you break out in vaginas.

Butters

Hear hear.

Sheila

All right boys, it's time to go home. You've got some serious grounding time to start.

I'll say!

Butters

Aw, we're still grounded?

Kyle

But, but we, we learned things, and took up a cause.

Yes Kyle, but you still defied your parents. And you need to learn that terrorism is never the answer.

That's right, let's get these terrorists to their rooms. [Sternly] But first, [softens] maybe we can grab some burgers.

All right!

What happened to him, Doctor?

From the test results, it would appear your child was tortured by a bully. He received a massive snuggie; his underwear pulled up so high, it nearly killed him. He also received two Indian sunburns on his forearms, a charlie horse on the thigh, and a second-degree titty-twister. And from the damage to his head area, it appears he was also given a swirly-- a colossal one. It also looks like he received a noogie, and a Polish bike ride.

Boys, you have to let him rest. Some mean kid gave him a Texas Chili Bowl.

Stan

What's that?

It involves Tabasco sauce, a telephone, and the anus.

Little boy, are you sure you haven't taken it up the hoohoo just once or twice?

Kyle

No! No, God damn it no! I'm telling you, you're wrong! There, there's no way I can have HIV! Unless maybe... [Kyle's eyes open wide at the realization that Cartman had deliberately infected him with the HIV virus] Oh my God. [his fear immediately turns into utter anger] THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!

Sheila

Kyle? Kyle!

Cartman

Pass me the ball! Pass me the ball, Craig, you stupid asshole! [Kyle furiously shoves him to the ground] Kyle, what the F?!

Kyle

[enraged] I'M GONNA KILL YOU, CARTMAN!!!

Cartman

Kyle, what?

Stan

What did he do?

Kyle

WHY DO I HAVE HIV?!

....Oh.

Cartman

Oh, you have HIV, huh Kyle? Guess it isn't so funny now, is it?

Kyle

WHAT DID YOU DO?!

Cartman

Nothing!

Kyle

Then WHY did Butters say he helped you sneak into my room last Friday night?!

Cartman

Aw, nice going Butters, ya big tattle-tale!

Kyle

TATTLE-TALE?! DO YOU KNOW HOW SERIOUS THIS IS?!

Cartman

Well, Kyle, maybe I was just trying to prove a p--

Kyle

[snaps] AAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!

Kyle

HATE YOU!! HATE YOU!!

[Approaches the fight] Hey! Hey, that's enough! Break it up, m'kay?! [tries to separate Kyle & Cartman] Break it up! Hm'kay?! [struggles, but ends up hoisting them away together at each other's throats] M'kay!