Craig quotes from South Park

Yeah, and if I had wheels I'd be a wagon.

I am tired of seeing you in my office, young man! You get sent here every day, Craig!

I know.

Why can't you behave?

..I don't know.

What do you have to say for yourself? [silent pause] Well, I tell you what, young man. Uh, you're going to be held back a grade if you don't luh— [Craig sticks his right middle finger up] Did you just flip me off?!

[lowering his middle finger] No.

Yes you did, you just flipped me the bird! Now see, this is exactly what I'm talking about! If you don't shape up, m'kay, and get your head straight— [Craig sticks up his right middle finger again] There! You just flipped me off again!

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did! And until you stop flipping people off, you can just go back to the waiting room! M'kay? Next! [as Craig leaves, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman enter] Well, well, well, if it isn't Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Eric.

Kyle

Hey, Craig.

Cartman

Hey, don't flip me off, you son of a bitch!

Cartman

I guess you don't care about what Tweek said about your mom.

Nope! [slams the door shut]

Cartman

[surprised] God damn it. [knocks on door again. Craig answers again] Oh, I guess you don't want to hear what he had to say about your guinea pig?

Said what?! What did he say about Stripe?

Cartman

Oh nothing, just that you stick it up your leg before you go to bed every night.

That son of a bitch, I'll kill him!

Kyle

[with a bouquet of flowers] I can't. I have to wait for Rebecca to show up.

Stan

Oh, brother! [shows his displeasure to the others]

Kyle

Don't you "Oh, brother" me! She's the woman of my dreams!

Kyle

You suck!

Are you ready to rock, boys and girls?! [silence] I said, are you ready to rock?!

Then let's hit it! [the band begins to play] I know you all remember this one. It's off my first solo album. The song that you all helped me make number 1. Holy Diver, you've been down too long in the midnight sea. Oh, what's-

["-becoming of me?"] Hey, there he is! There's the home-schooled kid! [Mark enters and stands next to Kyle] Come on! Let's go duct-tape him to the flagpole! ["Ride the tiger."]

Butters

Hey, isn't that the home-schooled kid's sister? ["You can see his stripes but you know he's clean."]

[dressed as a slut] Hi, guys. ["Oh, don't you see what I mean?" She walks up to Butters, kisses him, and walks away]

Butters

Woo-oh Holy Cow! [Kyle and Mark are quite surprised. "Gotta get away."]

[walks over to Tolkien] He-ey, baby. Come s-see me later, 'kay? [grabs his ass and walks off]

Tolkien

What the-? Damn, baby. [rubs his ass. Red looks angrily at Rebecca. Kyle is shocked, and Mark has left]

[walks over to Kyle] Hey, Kyle. Wanna go make out?

Kyle

Rebecca. You...

[returns] Rebecca, what the devil are you doing? [Pip walks by]

I'm... having... fun, Mark. [reels Pip back and kisses him]

Oh, my goodness! [hurries off]

You're out of control. [turns to Kyle] You did this to my sister!

Kyle

Uh. All I did was show her how to-

You made my sister into a slut! I'll kill you! [leaps at him and slaps him around. The kids gather around to watch the fight, and Dio plays on. Mark throws Kyle into the air]

Kyle

[landing on his back] Aaaah!

[pounces on again] You bitch! I'm gonna whip your bitch ass! [slaps him around some more]

Kyle

Ooww!

Stan

Dude, he's kicking the crap out of Kyle!

Butters

Yeah. He's a badass! [smiles]

[entering] Alright, alright, that's enough, boys. [takes Kyle with him]

...I'm not through with you, bitch! [Stan walks up]

Stan

Hey, you're pretty cool, Mark. [Butters walks up]

Butters

Yeah, tha-that was real badass how you stood up for your sister. Uh-uh-I'd have kicked Kyle's bitch ass, too.

Stan

Do you wanna go have some cake with me, Mark? [Craig walks up]

[grabbing Mark's right hand] No! He's my friend!

Butters

[grabbing Mark's left hand] Eh, he said he'd hang out with me!

Kyle

Dude, that new kid is such a douche.

Cartman

Yeah, somebody needs to put him in his place.

Butters

He's a pecker-face, that's what he is.

Cartman

Go kick his ass, Stan!

Yeah, go kick his ass.

Stan

[unsure] W-—maybe he won't fight.

Cartman

Will he bleed? That's all we care about.

Kyle

Come on, dude, somebody needs to wipe that buckskin smirk off his face.

Yeah, little bitch!

Stan

Alright, I'm going to go kick his leg. [leaves to do so]

Cartman

Yeah, go Stan! Go Stan! ...alright, I've got five bucks on the other kid, who wants in?

Kyle

We were taking him to the vet until you fracked it all up! Butters!

Was he bleeding?

Cartman

[uninterested] Yeah, a little. Butters!

Oh, shit. You guys are in trouble. We're out of here!

Stan

No, dude! You got to help us find him!

To hell with that!

Cartman

We're in this together, Craig! If Butters tells on us, we're going to tell on you; that's the ninja code!

Jimmy

Hey, fellas, where's Cartman?

Stan

Cartman isn't our friend anymore.

Kyle

We're ignoring him.

Token

Ignoring him, how come?

Kyle

Because he's a fat, racist, self-centered, intolerant, manipulating sociopath.

Token

Oh yeah.

Hey I hate Cartman too; can I ignore him with you?

Yeah / me too / yeah /screw him!

I never realized ignoring him was an option.

Cartman

Ah, gentlemen, thank you for coming. We don't have a lot of time, so I'll cut to the chase. The girls at our school have been hiding something from us; hiding something huge.

What?

Cartman

What if I were to tell you that the girls have a device which allows them to see into the future?

Stan

What?

Butters

How do you know?

Kyle

The girls do not have a device that shows them the future, Cartman. That's retarded.

[with a faux British accent] You, sir, mocked Cartman before. Yet you too sit here demanding answers. Now damn you, let him speak!

Cartman

[Somewhat shocked] Thank you, Clyde.

[writing on blackboard] Okay, so what do we get when we multiply a negative number--

Cartman

Dick tits!

[pauses] ...when we multiply a negative number by another negative--

Cartman

Shoot! Asshole! [Stan and Kyle glance back at him. Mrs. Garrison sighs; Cartman smiles] Excuse me.

And if we apply what we've just learned, we see that all negatives can--

Cartman

Splodge! Balls! Bloody vaginal belch!

Cartman

[in a sing-song voice] You guys, don't laugh. It makes me feel insecure about my illness.

All right, kids, let's just try to focus on learning, okay? Now all you need to remember here is that negative numbers--

Cartman

Tampons! Tampon dick shit!

Kyle

Will you knock it off already?!

Cartman

Kyle, don't you think I wish I could? I'd give anything to be normal like you. Kike.

Kyle

Don't push me, asshole!

Kyle! Watch your language! [Cartman begins laughing maniacally]

If I could yell "tampon dick shoot" in the classroom, I'd be so happy.

Cartman

Stop cheating, Craig!

How was that cheating?!

Cartman

'Cause you tricked me, you black asshole!

Ow! What you did that for?! [Butters kicks her again] Hey, what's your problem, asshole?!

Cartman

Bail! Bail! [back at his house in the basement] Okay, our mission failed, but we've learned a lot, primarily that girls do not have balls.

Butters

[in a sling and with a black eye, after being pulverized by Nelly] They sure don't.

Cartman

Never mind, because we are going to Plan B, one that I call, "Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time." When Nelly leaves the cafeteria for recess, Kenny will jump in front of her and spit on the ground.

Butters

You think maybe girls keep their balls on the inside of their tummies?

Cartman

Butters, we're done talking about girls balls right now. Pay attention. [The next day… he, along with Craig, Butters, and Kenny, holding the list, run by] We got it! We got it!

We got the list from the girls!

[angrily catching up to them] Give that back, you dirty buttholes!

Cartman

Tape it to the wall, Kenny! Jason, watch the door!

Stan

It's listed in order from cutest to ugliest. Clyde's number one.

Me? I'm the cutest?

Stan

And then Token. And then me.

Token

I'm number two? Wow!

Butters

Come on, let me see, let me see! [looks through the list and finds himself as number 11] Oh, boy! I'm number 11! Whoopie! Number 11!

[finds himself as number 12 where Cartman is number 15, under Timmy and Francis] Ah! Look at that! I'm hotter than you, fatso!

Cartman

What?! That's bullcrap!

Kyle

Oh, so big deal, guys. You feel better now? Clyde's the best-looking kid in the class. And then Token and Stan. And last is Francis, Cartman, and… [finds himself on the bottom of the list as number 16, revealing he's been voted the ugliest; shocked] Me?

Cartman

You're last, dude! [laughs]

Kyle

No way!

Cartman

Yes way, check it out!

Stan

Cartman, lay off. You're next-to-last.

Cartman

So? I'm hotter than Kyle! [walks off, gloating] I'm better looking than Kyle! Yes! I'm hotter than Kyle! I'm hotter than Kyle!

Damn you, Craig! You just don't ever stop, do you?!

I didn't say anything.

You see, for thousands of years, horrid creatures have lived in the guinea valley of Peru. The Incas learned how to keep the creatures at bay, by playing pan flute music. Guinea creatures hate it even more than humans do. But the prophecy foretold that one day, the creatures would be unleashed and I have made that happen! The Incas predicted the world would be saved… by Craig. But that part of the prophecy will not come true! For you will all die on this mountain!

Cartman

There, ya see!? Can ya fahking believe it!?!?

Butters

Is that really all our wiener sizes!?

Cartman

Yeah, dude look at it! It says right there: "Eric Cartman, 1.2 in"! [turns around and faces the others] Why would they tell everybawdy that!?!? They wanna measure my wiener, FINE! BUT DON'T PUT ME ON BLAST!!!!

Craig Tucker, 2.4 inches. Yeah; that's about right.

Butters

Butters Stotch, 2.2 inches. Is that good?

Kyle

How big do they say mine is? [several other boys walk up to the chart in curiosity as Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey watch from afar]

I told you the students would be interested in how much they grew since their last physical.

You right. They really seem into it, m'kay. [takes a sip of coffee and walks away.]

Stan

[looks at the chart in perplexation] Wait, it says that my penis is only 2.1 inches; that doesn't seem right.

Cartman

[enraged] No schick, Sherlock! My penis isn't 1.2 inches eitha! IT ISN'T! This is anotha conspiracah by DA SCHOOL FACUALTAHH!!!

Butters

[curious and confused] A conspiracy?

They're tryin' to stir up some big thing again, get all da girls all heated up- freakin' out- over which boy has da biggest schlong! THIS HAS TO BE DEALT WITH!!!!

Kyle

Well, everyone's already seen it; there's nothing we can do about it now.

Cartman

Oh, there's something we can do about it, alright! It they're gawna put us on blast, they're at least gawna get da numbahs right! We are going to REMEASHAA!!!!

Kyle

[runs up to the boys at the neighborhood park] Guys! You guys! Listen. Cartman has tens of thousands of voter ballots hidden somewhere. He's changed the outcome of the election!

Stan

Wow, really? That's pretty impressive.

Kyle

Come on, guys! He's hidden them somewhere and we have to find them!

Stan

But I thought Obama won pretty easily last night.

Kyle

Dude, because of the electoral college these votes in swing states can really matter.

Stan

I don't understand that stuff at all. I need Morgan Freeman to explain it to me.

Jimmy

Yeah, I love when Morgan Freeman explains stuff.

Whenever I'm confused about what's going on in a movie, I'm always so relieved when Morgan Freeman shows up and explains the plot to me.

Kyle

God damn it this is serious, you guys! Cartman has stolen the election!

Butters

Well, maybe Cartman had a good reason.

Kyle

[stares at Butters for a while] Butters, you know something, don't you?!

Butters

Huh? Wha? NO. Uh-uh, why?

Kyle

[walks towards him] What did Cartman tell you?!

Butters

He didn't tell me nothin'. And I'm sworn to secrecy. I-it's really important, Kyle, and it isn't what you think. [gasps] Uh, don't make me say anymore!

Kyle

Tell us what you know, right now!

Butters

I can't! Don't you see?! [feels his body and takes out a small bottle of almond M&M's] Don't make me swallow this! Wa-I'll do it!

Stan

Is that an M&M?

Butters

It's an almond M&M. Ah-I'm very allergic to almonds. Please, just leave me alone.

Kyle

Then you have to tell us!

Butters

Well… uh… HWAAAH! [quickly swallows the almond M&M and makes sure he doesn't throw up]

Kyle

Oh, shit! Don't let him swallow it!

Stan

Pry his mouth open!

He ate it!

Kyle

[grabs Butters by the collar] Butters, where are the ballots going?! Where are they going?!

Butters

Ah! Bah! I hate almonds.

Butters

[as Cartman walks up to a stall while peeing in the urinal] I think someone's in there.

Cartman

No! God damn it, no! Who's taking the shit?!

Occupied.

Cartman

I called dibs on stall one for all recess, Craig!

You can't call dibs on a toilet.

Cartman

Son of a bitch! [walks up to another bathroom stall, but Kyle is already using it] Oh, no. No, no, no! I cannot go another lunch break without my toilet time!

Kyle

Then don't eat 14 Eggo waffles for lunch, fat-ass!