PC Principal quotes from South Park

All right, everyone, listen up. I’ve got a lot of reports of disruptions in the classroom, and some satanic numerology shit going on. So I want to remind you, this is a power christian school, and I am a power christian principal, and we will be PC! So now I want you to hear from someone who is the authority on biblical prophecies. This person is an absolute expert on the end of days, and the coming of the Anti-Christ. Please welcome, Mr. Peter Thiel.

[speaking into the microphone] Alright, parents and students, please take your seats. [Randy gleefully throws a crumpled up piece of paper at him] M'kay, m'kay. Now as you (all) know, there was an incident at the school last week involving a student referring to rape as a "Hot Cosby," m'kay? [several people laugh] Listen, listen! Principal Victoria has been fired.

What? Fired?

Cartman

Sweet, dude!

And a new person has been appointed to try and make South Park Elementary a more... progressive place that... fits in with today's times. Heh m'kay? So please welcome... PC Principal.

All right, listen up. My name is PC Principal. I don't know about you, but frankly I'm sick and tired of how minority groups are marginalized in today's society. I'm here because this place is lost in a time warp! Students who still use the word "retarded"! A teacher who said women without wombs should get an AIDS test!

Oh, I was a lesbian then.

A chef "person of color" who the children had sing soul songs and who the children drove to kill himself!

Butters

No, he got brainwashed by a cult.

And that's two days' detention for you, young man, we'll see you at 4.

Butters

What?!

Let me ask you this. We're in Colorado, right? Where are the Hispanic kids? Huh? Where are the ethnic and racial minorities?

Well, we got Tolkien. He's black.

And that's two days' detention for you, Mackey, congratulations.

Wha— I got detention?

I Googled South Park before I came here, and I cannot believe the shit you're getting away with! People claiming to be advocates of transgender rights, but really just wanting to use the women's bathroom! A white man who thinks he's Chinese and built a wall to keep out Mongolians!

Ohhhh, I hate-a Mongorians!

What the fuck is this? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm telling you all, this is done! Like it or not, PC is back, and it's bigger than ever! Woowoowoo! You hear that? That's the sound of 2015 pulling you over, people! Suck it!

Uhm, hi, I'm Gerald, Kyle Broflovski's father?

Have a seat. I've been talking with your child, and we're gonna be giving him two weeks' detention.

Wh-what's this about, Kyle?

Your son said some things to a fourth-grade girl that frankly make me wanna puke. Now that I'm principal, I'm not gonna allow [pounds desk] anyone at this school to be made feel unsafe and harassed!

Wh-wh-what did he say?

You'll have to excuse my language. [picks up a report and clears his throat] "I don't think Caitlyn Jenner is a hero."

This kind of trans-phobic and bigoted hate speech isn't going to fly here, Bro! Well, I thought we were all on board that Caitlyn Jenner is an amazing, [quickly stands up] beautiful woman who had the exquisite bravery of a butterfly flying against the wind, AND THEN THIS SHIT COMES OUT OF PEOPLE'S MOUTHS!!

[beat] PC Principal, I-I'm sure Kyle was just referring to Bruce Jenner as a person, a-and not trying to say anything against—

You got a problem, Mr. Broflovski?

..No...

Bruce Jenner? Oh. Wait a second. Wait a second! Cuz it's not Bruce Jenner!! IT'S CAITLYN!! AND SHE'S A FUCKING STUNNING WOMAN!! Or maybe you're the one teaching him to demean women in the first place! HUH!? What's up? What's fucking up, bro?

Look, maybe we can all just ta—

[flips his desk] GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, DUDE!!!

Cartman

[meets PC Principal] Oh, PC Principal. How are you today?

Doing good. What are you doing in the faculty bathroom?

Cartman

You know, I think you and I got off on the wrong foot the other day. By all means, please, keep your dick out. You see, I'm not going to accept four days of detention, and... you're going to apologize publicly for being so strict to me and my friends at school.

What the frack are you talking about?

Cartman

It's just a request, that's all. See you around. Oh, you seem to have dropped something, PC Principal. [picks up a pair of underwear] What's this? Why, this is a little boy's underwear. [sniffs it] Why, this is Butters's underwear.

What?

Cartman

PC Principal, you have Butters's underwear? And now— [sloshes underwear in the urinal] Oh my gosh, it's got your DNA all over it. This certainly doesn't look good for you. I don't need to tell anyone about this. No, I think we have an understanding. Capiche?

[pause] What did you just say?

Cartman

You mean about keeping your dick out?

"Capiche"? You're associating Italian-Americans to intimidation tactics?! You better watch your microaggressions, bro!

Cartman

O-Kay. Look, you don't want to end up like the spokesman for Subway, do you?

Did you just use a term that excludes women from an occupation?! [picks Cartman up]

Cartman

Okay, let's back up. [gets slammed against the stall] AAAHHH! [PC Principal slams him several times into the wall next to the mirror]

Wait a second. DID YOU JUST SAY "SPOKESMAN" INSTEAD OF "SPOKESPERSON"? WHEN WOMEN ARE JUST AS CAPABLE OF SELLING SANDWICHES AS ANYONE? [smashes Cartman into the mirror] ARE YOU PURPOSELY TRYING TO USE WORDS THAT ASSERT YOUR MALE PRIVILEGE? [smashes Cartman's head into a sink]

Cartman

No, I'm sorry! I was just trying to frame you for raping Butters!

DO YOU THINK ITALIAN-AMERICANS AND WOMEN ARE LESS IMPORTANT? [throws Cartman on the floor]

Cartman

Oh, God!

[punches Cartman to a bloody pulp] YOU DARE USE WORDS THAT ALIENATE TWO COMMUNITIES OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO DEAL WITH VERBAL BIASES LIKE YOURS ON A DAILY BASIS?

All right, everyone, listen up. In order for better understanding, we've asked students of Canadian origin to introduce you to their culture and—HEY, LESLIE, SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!!!! Now where was I? Oh. yeah. We've asked students of Canadian origin To introduce you to their culture and customs. So let's give them our undivided attention as they take us on a whirlwind journey through their diverse history. [hands microphone to Canadian kids]

We are the Hopewell and Abenaki, first settlers of Canadian soil, guy. [hands mic over to second group]

We are French and British explorers, seeking furs and goods. [Mr. Garrison walks up and takes the mic]

Yeah, and I'm Dan Rather, and I got news for you! Nobody wants you here! [long beat] Sorry not sorry! It's time for someone to say it like it is, and make our country great again!

Garrison, what do you think you're—?!

And I'm also not afraid to stand up to PC Principal! You, sir, have a pizza face and you suck your mom's dick!

[beat] That's it, Garrison! You are fired from South Park Elementary!

Oh, see? And now I'm fired! That's the cold, hard truth of immigration! Well, there's only one immigration policy that I believe in, and that's f**k them all to death!! [all students gasp] I'm just saying what everyone's thinking here, kids! Sorry not sorry!

Stan

Dude, the Canadians are pissed off.

Token

Can you really blame them?

Alright, guys, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around. Just wanted to check in, see if you have any questions for me.

Why are the Asian girls drawing pictures of us being gay?

What's wrong with being gay? Nothing is wrong with that.

But we aren't! I'm not!

I'm not either!

That is completely irrelevant, okay? What matters, and the reason I brought you in here, is that you understand affirmative consent.

What's that?

If there is a romantic relationship here, you have to make sure your partner is comfortable with any sexual exploration.

Agh!

Now, in a gay relationship it gets a little trickier, but you still have to follow some guidelines, alright?

But I'm not gay!!

I don't care about that, bro! Tweek, if—and I'm only saying if—at some point you wanted to touch Craig's penis, you just can't go grabbing for it. Alright? You need to say something like, "Craig, is it alright with you if I touch your penis?" Okay? Let's try it out.

No!

You want two weeks' detention instead? This is important!

[beat] ..Craig, can I touch your penis?

Okay, good. Now Craig, you might say, "You may touch my penis. I'm comfortable with that." [Craig stays still for a long beat] Or, of course, you could say, "No, you may not touch my penis at this time."

No, you may not!

Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Now Craig, what would you say if you wanted to take a gander at Tweek's asshole?

McKinsey, you got consent forms?

Oh, yeah! Right here, bro! [hands consent forms to him]

Rise and shine, guys! If you scored last night, I'll need your consent forms! [the bros hand over their forms] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you—whoa! Barker, did you perform cunnilingus? There's a different release form, bro.

Yeah, uh, s-sorry, it's right here.

Nice.

[runs to PC Principal Peter Charles] Bro!! Aw, dude, bro!! Peter Charles!

What, bro? Bro! Robert! You're here! Aw! It's so good to see you. Tell me what happened.

Dude, I scored with this female and after consenting to putting her mouth on my penis, she wanted me to walk her home.

Yeah?

And when I got to her house she had me meet her father who is Filipino, so I asked him if he could tell me about their cultural and social dynamic to being a Filipino-American.

Naturally.

So he said some stuff, and then the newspaper landed on his doorstep, 'cause I guess her dad subscribes to the school newspaper, and he picked it up and I saw the headline said this! [he shows the paper to PC Principal Peter Charles which headline reads "'PC' STANDS FOR PUSSY CRUSHING"; he grabs paper]

What the heck is this, bro?

Peter Charles Bro, that little kid wrote that our tolerant views and fight for social justice is just a way for us to crush puss!

THAT'S NOT TRUE!!

I KNOW, Peter Charles BRO!!! WE'RE BEING TOTALLY VICTIMIZED!!!

I KNOW THAT LITTLE SUCKER, DUDE!!!

Alright everyone, listen up. I don't know about you, but I for one am sick and tired of all the hate speech and microaggressions against our species. We have a new enemy out there. An almost invisible foe that is so bigoted, so racially biased they actually think we should all die. They are trying to attract our youth using tactics that are underhanded and unfair. But no matter how hard they hit us, we cannot let them take from us our PC. And so I have been asked to stay on as your principal. A lot of changes will happen in the coming months. The bottom line is that the only thing that distinguishes those who want to kill us from those who don't is that we have the burning desire for social justice. We are at war, but the only way to win this war is to be as understanding, non-biased, and politically correct as possible.

Stan

[to his friends] This is going to be really hard.

Heidi

[standing on the podium] Fellow students, I have asked to speak today because of the hypocrisy and bullying that is coming from the administration at this so-called school. It is an outrage that our principal and counselor demand our participation in privileged programs that are outrageously overfunded. Why is it that the school allows funding that only goes to special-needs students? Are the rest of us not special? If we are continually asked to work for no money and ask our parents to pay for our programs, then soon we will all be poor, and forced to live in a trailer park, like Theresa.

It's not a trailer!

Heidi

Theresa, get over it. You live in a trailer park. It's not a big deal.

Cartman

Uh, okay, honey. You're kind of getting off topic, sweetie.

Heidi

What did you say?!

Cartman

I just… I just want you to stay on point so we can get this over with.

Heidi

"GET THIS OVER WITH?!" You're supposed to be supporting me!

Cartman

I am supporting you, sweetheart!

Heidi

Being supportive doesn't mean you criticize me, asshole! Just forget it! My point is, if the school administration doesn't cancel the science fair, I will see to it that they are all fired for discrimination!

[to PC Principal] She's kind of like Cartman, but with the ability to follow through.

Oh, dude. Bro.

Alright, everyone. Listen up. As you all know, we've been looking for a strong woman to take on the role of vice principal at this school. We couldn't be happier with the selection we've made and we're sure she'll be making our school a better place. So with that let me turn over the floor to our new vice principal, Strong Woman. [applause all around]

Thanks everyone. Alright, listen up. [gathers her papers up] I fully appreciate that some of you might be uncomfortable with me being here. Earlier today, I noticed that some faculty weren't sure whether to call me "Miss Woman" or just "Strong." If I were a man, you'd probably address me as Vice Principal Woman, so why should it be any different, huh? We good?

Uhm'kay.

So I've been getting to know some of the students here and I'm definitely hearing a lot of frustration and confusion over issues that all the schools are facing right now. I also spent some time observing in the cafeteria and was pretty shocked by the abusive and intolerant language. [as she speaks, Hootie & The Blowfish's "Hold My Hand" begins to play in PC Principal's head] Not sure if any of you have noticed, but a lot of the girls are eating their lunches out on the playground to avoid being around the toxic environment that's been created. It's my intention to make the cafeteria... P.E. class is another huge problem at this school. The girls' gym outfits seem not to have been updated since the '60s. We have a lot of work to do here. I intend to do it quickly. [in PC Principal's mind, everything around her fades out and all he sees is her against a pink background with hearts everywhere, soon replaced by flowers and leaves, then a blue sky with clouds]

Excuse me uh, I'm sorry, but uh, is anyone else hearing Hootie & The Blowfish like, very very softly?

Yeah, yeah, I hear it.

[rises and walks towards PC Principal] It's, it's coming from over here somewhere.

E-excuse me everyone, I um, I need to get to the restroom. Sorry, I'll be right back. [rushes out the door, and the song disappears with him]

Your vice principal gave birth to all five babies with no epidural. I must say, she's a very strong woman.

That she is.

The quintuplets are all healthy and resting away. There are her babies right there.

Oh, dude. Bro.

Yes, cute, little buggers, aren't they? Three boys and two girls.

I think it's wrong to force gender specification upon them at this young age.

Funny. That's exactly what their mother said. The quints are all Caucasian, blue-eyed, and something kind of weird.

What's that?

Well, the babies are all extremely PC, the likes of which I have never seen.

My babies! Where are they?

Shh. It's okay. The babies are fine. Resting in the nursery. They're the most... They're the most PC babies I've ever seen.

You shouldn't be here. People will start getting suspicious!

Kids, kids. Okay, what's the matter?

Oh, no, I left Disney+ on and it went to "Mulan."

They don't like Mulan?

No, because Mulan is a female that identifies as male and yet the movie doesn't take the time to address real trans issues.

Okay, okay, we know! [takes the remote and turns off the TV] "Mulan" is outdated in creating straw dog characters to talk about trans issues! Daddy's turning it off! [switches to another channel]

[approaching Kyle and Tolkien with Scott] Hey, Kyle, you got a minute?

Kyle

Yeah, what's up?

Well, there's this rumor starting to go around the school. Kids are saying it like… I don't know, like, you run Hollywood.

Kyle

What?

I told Scott that's just people being dumb and he shouldn't listen to stuff like that. But…Scott and I do have this sweet movie idea about a dude who has guns for hands and we have the first 20 pages written, so… You don't really run Hollywood, right?

Kyle

[angrily] I'm not even going to justify that with a response. Because repeating a derogatory slur, even for the purpose of refuting it, can make stupid people think it's valid! [storms off]

Holy shoot. Kyle runs Hollywood.

Kyle runs Hollywood, and you fucked up the pitch!

How'd I frack up the pitch?!

You gotta tell him what the stakes are! People who make movies, they just care about the stakes!

The guy has guns for hands!

[confronting Cartman] Mr. Cartman, did you or did you not tell students at this school that Kyle runs Hollywood?

Cartman

I think I did say that, yes.

And why would you say such an intolerant, offensive thing like that?!

Cartman

[shrugs] Somebody runs Hollywood.

Kyle

[irritated] Lots of people run Hollywood!

Cartman

Yes, lots of… people like Kyle.

Mr. Cartman, you are a dangerous frickin' ground here, buddy!

[intervening Betsy and Nelly's fight] Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, break it up, break it up! [pushes them away from each other]

She's rubbing everyone's noses in her Labubus!

Both of you to the counselor's office, NOW!

Betsy

She totally started it!

Oh, my God, shut up, I did not!

Betsy

[points to Nelly] She came up to me at my locker with her Labubu and started talking shit!

[points back at Betsy] You talk shit about my Labubus everyday, whore!

[breathes in; perplexed] Yeah, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you.

Betsy

Tell her to stop saying my Labubus are knock offs!

I'm sorry, what is a Labubu?

It's a little monster accessory.

Betsy

They come in blind boxes so you never know which one you're gonna get.

Like, you could just luck out and get a Time To Chill Out Pajama Gold Labubu.

Betsy

[uplifting] Oh my god, that one's so cute!

It's so cute, right?

Uh, all right, ladies, why don't you just, give me the dolls until the end of the school day?

That's not fair!

[takes their Labubus] Go on out to recess, and you can pick up your Labubus after school.

Wow. What kind of counseling was that?

Betsy

I don't know. Jesus sucks, dude.

The older counselor was so much better.